𝑻𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑬 𝑶𝑭 𝑯𝑶𝑵𝑬𝒀, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒔

✵ 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑭𝑨𝑹𝑬𝑾𝑬𝑳𝑳 / 𝑱𝑶𝑯𝑵

the farewell
༊
'79

"tell me you love me, john... will you?"

her voice was strained. there was no longer a flame in it. it had become a lonely spark of what it once was.

he stood in the front doorway. none of his formalities were lost. he was still letting that cold early morning air in, door hanging wide open to welcome the neighbors and passing press, perhaps. it was as if he wished she would freeze over. that her flesh would grow goosebumps and send her shivering body retreating back so he wouldn't have to answer to her.

even now, he barely gave a glance to her and held his duffel bag languidly against his thighs. his stature reminded her of a broken down toy, the winding piece no longer fluid and quick, but jammed and stubborn instead.

he looked so exhausted. and she, she who waited on him had created too many splinters trying to carve her initial in his heart. she could only hope through wet, cloudy eyes that he had let even one scrape get past his chest.

she saw him wet his weary lips and lift his head. his brow still bent to the outside. through the corner of her eye she sees a dark car slide up the drive and blink its headlights. this startled her for there was still no word from him and their time was fleeting. he was going to make her run to him in some desperate, undignified way like he always did. despite her own childish refusal, she couldn't stand it if he hadn't given her at least one word.

some air passed through his nose and she could spot a slight twitch in his jaw as he spoke.
"c'mon, come... come give me a kiss g'bye," he sighed gently, somewhat impatiently and she watched with a sudden pang as he gestured her to come to him as if she was some little girl .

her bare feet burned cold against the floor as she reluctantly made her way to him. his eyes looked so much sadder up close. he held so much pain in his eyes, tucked behind the glasses and contact lenses. her head turned up to him and she awaited her routine farewell. a gentle kiss and a quiet goodbye. a part of her thought he hadn't heard her question. most of her knew he did. the chill was breezing directly through her now. he saw her shoulders shaking as she clung to herself. the way she would have clung to him in another circumstance.

love was hard. it brought him to her and it was going to take him away again. that heavy love for his art which was a fire that could never diminish. she could barely reach that flame, but he had always tried to remember to leave some of that warmth for her. for times like this when words get choked and lost.

a double honk from the driver interjected their thoughts. she jumped at the eruption. he wished he could have been better for her.

"john-" she said frantically, taking a hold of his arm with both stiffened hands and to both their surprise he didn't flinch away from her. she was still so warm to him.

his eyes suddenly went bright and rapid as he stared into hers yet his voice was just as lowly as before,
"if there is nothing else," she kept her everlasting grip on his arm as she hung onto his every syllable, "you must know that i do," he was beginning to pull away from her and with a deep sadness she sighed helplessly for she knew she was no match for his strength when he was urgent.

"you must know that i love you," he was halfway out the door when another round of blaring honks sounded, but in this moment there is only them. she believed him even if he's merely aiming to pacify her fears. she believed him even if the glimmering in his eyes will fade once he turns away from her. she believed religiously in those soft crescent eyes. her hands resided on his broad shoulders and she kissed his hard lips madly.

"goodbye," she whispered to him as he slipped from her grip. he'll call her later, he said. don't forget him, he said. she smiled in disbelief, tears stinging the corners of her lonely eyes.

he wasn't coming back.

he jogged to the car and turned back to give her a wave and she returned it gingerly, her body resting against the doorframe. when he disappeared inside and the tires screeched out of the driveway, she caught a couple of his kisses flying through the brisk air and planted one on her cheek and another over her sordid heart.