The Victim (Book #1)

Chapter 34

"I hate myself," I said coolly. I didn't know what else to say.

"I think I hate myself more than anything. I am too much of a child. I am far too weak. I am too small. I am cowardly and defenseless. I am broken. I am immature. I can't form relationships with people. I think I deserve to be hurt, and I don't know what to do about that. I don't feel okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay. I can't stop feeling like this, and he's not even hurting me anymore."

She was silent after my declaration. I was too.

"I want to kill myself sometimes," I admitted in a quieter voice. I looked at her face, trying to read what she was thinking. Would she be horrified or disgusted? Would she be scared for my life or pity me?

She nodded as if she expected this.

"Have you made any plans to?" she asked, holding my gaze seriously.

"What?" I asked, now looking at her as if she were the crazy one. "No! Of course not!"

She nodded, interpreting this. I waited until she spoke.

"Sometimes, the way we feel when trauma is re-awakened is the way we felt when we faced it. When your uncle hurt you, did you ever feel like you wanted to die? Did you feel weak and small, cowardly or broken?" she asked.

My lips parted almost imperceptibly as the epiphany arrived. I nodded, and it felt like my head began to spin.

"I'm sorry all these feelings have been harassing you lately. But I'm sure when you were at your old house, your body didn't think it was allowed to feel all these things. I don't know how much you had to hide, but here you don't have to." She shook her head, trying to tell me that I was safe.

"So that's why they're all coming up to the surface and exploding all over me like a feelings grenade?" I eloquently explained.

She nodded, regretfully. I sighed, and leaned back, as if we had just faced something dire. Healing from trauma was a full-time job, it seemed.

"Why does my body think it's okay to feel now?" I asked.

She shrugged, but I knew that she knew the answer. She just wanted me to figure it out by myself.

"It's because I feel safe?" I guessed, the end of my sentence coming out like a question. "Because I know I'm not going to get hurt physically here, so my mind is letting me face emotional things now?"

She smiled at me.

"How did you get to be so smart?" she asked me, shaking her head in disbelief. I tried to stop the massive bubble of happiness that swelled in me, but it wasn't preventable. There was something in that question that made me so happy. It was like... I was finally being noticed and appreciated. I was worth more than just what I could do. I was smart. I was smart all by myself.

She seemed like she was waiting for an answer, so I giggled. "Books, maybe? Or you?"

She smiled and then fell into her thoughts. I let her process.

"I think the human brain is way more incredible than we give it credit for." She told me. "I think your brain has recognized that you are safe and is trying to tell you everything now. All the feelings that you couldn't handle before, because of him."

Although I was listening and learning, I stopped when she said "him". I couldn't stop thinking about him. Those blue eyes. That evil smile. I didn't want to be anywhere near him, ever again.

She tilted her head to the side as she watched me think, and I knew she could guess what I was feeling. I could see it in her eyes. But the pity buried in them was nearly concealed by a far stronger hatred for the man that hurt me. For any person that abused any other person. She was so cool.

"Do you think you could do something for me?" she asked. Her head was still angled, and her red hair that was in a short braid swung down over her shoulder.

I nodded, before asking what it was.

"If you have any thoughts about suicide again, will you come to me?" Her eyes pulled at my heart beseechingly, and I couldn't think of a way to refuse.

"Okay." I finally said. She smiled. I rolled my eyes because she knew I hated mushy moments, but I let myself smile too.

"Can I go get some water now? I might die of thirst." I said dryly. She shot up in alarm and pulled me to my feet.

"Of course, sweetheart! Do you want me to go with you?"

And just like that she switched from therapist to mom. What a weird relationship we had.

After brushing her off and assuring her that I was fine, I headed to the kitchen and filled myself a glass of ice water. I grabbed some peanut butter crackers off the shelf in the pantry and headed to the living room to watch TV.

I smiled at Damon and Caleb as their heads spun to face me.

"Hi." I said, sitting between them on the couch and ripping open my snack.

"Maya!" Caleb said before shooting over to me and wrapping me in a tight hug. I set down my glass and food on the coffee table before squeezing back, as tightly as possible. I smiled at Damon, who looked worried, despite me sitting in front of him in one piece.

"You okay, kid?" Damon asked when Caleb let go. I nodded and gave him a smile that I hoped reached my eyes. He focused closer on me as if trying to find the parts of me that weren't okay, but I felt good right now. The bad was buried away and locked in my mind as I usually preferred it to be.

"Wanna switch to Skyrim?" Caleb asked, throwing a controller in my hand.

"Hell yeah!" I said, turning to check with Damon that it was okay. He shrugged and made a motion toward the TV, allowing it, and Caleb and I smiled at each other.

The PS4 whirred to life and I got back on the game, allowing Caleb to walk me through different quests and laughing when I died. If I got to a part I couldn't beat, I let Caleb take over until we conquered it. I was surprised to notice that Damon stayed in the room, watching the game and commenting occasionally when a monster was attacking me. Sometimes he gave me tips, too. It felt good to have them both watching my back.

When the sun was starting to set, I handed Caleb back his controller and checked my phone. It had been a couple hours since we'd started playing... that game really sucked you in.

Dominic came downstairs as I put my glass in the dishwasher and threw my wrapper away. I heard him knock on Charlotte's door and say he was leaving. I followed him to the door to say goodbye and saw him pulling on a leather jacket and zipping it up. He was looking blankly down at his phone to text someone, so I walked up slowly behind him.

"BOO!" I shouted, jumping on his back and yelling. He continued texting, so I awkwardly slid off and walked in front of him.

"Did I scare you?" I asked pointlessly. He hadn't moved in the slightest. He finished his text and put his phone in his back pocket, before looking up at me.

"So badly." He said jokingly. I stuck my tongue out at him and he rolled his eyes, before leaning down to kiss my head. I bit my lip in surprise. He acted like what he did was normal, so I pretended the same although my mind filled with questions.

"I'm leaving for a little. Be safe! Make sure Caleb doesn't do something stupid." Dominic said, giving me a pointed look.

I nodded, pleased that he placed me in charge... sort of.

"Bye My." He rhymed, slipping out the door. I heard the loud roar of an engine as I walked past Caleb and Damon and back up to my room.

I wondered if I'd someday have a car and friends to go run off and spend time with. God, I hope so.

I opened up my laptop and turned on some conspiracy theory channel to watch until it was time for dinner. But I couldn't help thinking about how the boys acted when we first met; they seemed to hate me so immediately and barely even spoke to me. And now, they were overprotective, annoying, arrogant, and sometimes insanely sweet. I didn't know the cause of either, but if I was being honest with myself, I was starting to really care about all of them. Even Damon.

Whether I had a week left here or a month, I promised myself to enjoy it. No need to worry about the future right now. Tomorrow would worry about itself.