Nobody's Going To Love You Like I Do

Funeral

Tuesday
April 16

Leah stands beside me wrapping her arms around my shoulder, resting her head on my shoulder crying. I rub her arm as I look infront of me at Bernice's mom, being held by her husband. She's grabbing on to his arms as if she's holding herself up. Her sunglasses block her face, but you can see black streaks from her mascara run down her cheek.

Bernice's older brother, Brandon, is slowly turning the handle lowering the casket into the grave. Everything is silent to me. I stare blankly at the Rose colored casket. "She can't be in there" I say to myself. But she is. I saw her petite body laying in the casket the day before, her blonde hair brushed evenly to her sides. Her hands interlaced resting on her abdomen. She wore her favorite white long sleeve knitted sweater. Her eyebrows are nicely done, they even put on her eyelashes.

A tear falls from my eye thinking about the pictures that played on the screen behind a podium. Memories. Our memories. I was so lost in thought, I didn't notice the woman infront of me handing me a flower. They called it the "flower ceremony" in which you toss the flower ontop of the casket.

I looked at my flower, twirling it with my fingers. Leah tries to pull me towards the casket but I stood my ground, shaking my head. I felt the tears flow down the side of my cheeks. She wraps her arms around my neck, pushing my head against her chest as I cried. Brandon placed an arm around both of us, resting his head against mine and cried, I felt his tears falling onto my shoulder.

2 hours later

Fresh dirt covered the once grassy area. Everyone was back at the Miller's house for refreshments. I came back to the cemetery. I laid down a plaid blanket we used on beach days, and sat down. I stared at the plastic marker with her name on it. I put on my gray jacket as I felt a breeze blow through. I sit indian style, picking up a handful of dirt, letting it slip through my fingers. I hear the leaves crunching under footsteps as someone approaches me.

They take a seat on the blanket next to me. He places a hand on my thigh, "it doesn't seem real huh?" Mando says in a sad tone. I place my elbow on my other thigh and rest my head on my fist. "I thought you'd be at her mom's house?" he said rubbing my thigh with his thumb. "I was. But I feel too guilty to look her mom in the eyes" I whisper and wipe my tears with the back of my hand.

"You did nothing wrong" he says confused. I looked at him. "It was because of me Cuchillos went after her, because I couldn't let Oscar go. She got caught up in Cuchillo's wrath and it caused her her life" I sniffle. "Her mom asks why her baby was kidnapped by a gang leader and I-" my voice cracks, "I can't sit there and lie to her that it was random, because it wasn't."

Tears well up in my eyes. "The last time we spoke, I was so mad at her for trying to get with Oscar while we were broken up," I look at him, "we were broken up!" I yell, a tear falls down. "It shouldn't have mattered. The last image I have of her was us dancing at Jake's birthday. I blacked out the rest of the night." I chuckle, "then I tried to commit suicide, then it was titi Nora's bday and now" I sniffled. "She's Dead" I plop my head in my palms and cry.

Mando rubbed my back in silence. I breathed through my now stuffy nose. "If I wasn't so caught up in my own shit-" "it wouldn't have changed the outcome V" he whispers. "I didn't respond to her text when she said I'm sorry" I say as my lips tremble. "She died thinking I was still mad at her!" I yell as tears continue to roll down the side of my nose curl towards my mouth.

Mando turned my face to him, he wiped my tear with his thumb. "Don't do this to yourself. You didn't respond because you didn't know if it was safe. She chose to get with Cuchillos. Just like she chose to get infront of the bullet" My mouth hung slightly open shocked at his last sentence. "You don't know the full story V, her choices got her here" he closes my mouth and caressed my chin.