You're Gone and I've Gotta Stay High

Chapter 1

I stumbled through my apartment door and threw my bag down. My day had been less than wonderful and I was more than ready to take the edge off. Working for a magazine could suck sometimes. Especially when you had to deal with people. Which, spoiler alert, was most of the time. A client today had recognized me from Warped Tour last year and asked me how Alex Gaskarth, my ex boyfriend was doing. What a drag. I flipped the light switch on in my room and stripped down to just my underwear and bra, leaving clothes laying all over the floor of my bedroom. The air felt good on my exposed skin and goosebumps covered my arms and legs. I pulled my hair down from the bun it had been in and let it fall against my back. This was my normal routine. I woke up, got ready, went to work and experienced New York as I went along, went home, got naked, smoked until I couldn't feel anymore, and went to bed. That wasn't how a person should live. But people need to be happy right? And that's how I stay happy. I didn't drink until I forgot, I didn't embody the pain on my flesh by inflicting a knife on it, and I didn't wake up in a strangers room every morning with dirt and regret covering my body. I just let something take over my brain until I felt something other than misery.

 I slid down into my floor and let the haze begin. I laid my head against my bed and breathed out a puff of smoke. My eyes began to shut and what was left of my vision clouded at the edges. Forms strode by my eyes until one thing came into focus. Alex, when his hair was dyed pink, and playing guitar in the tour bus.

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He was singing "Therapy" and I was laying on the bunk, completely entranced and in love. His talent never ceased to amaze me. The words he would write were raw and the emotion behind them was so powerful. When he sang, it was like he was exposing himself in the only way he knew how.

"You are so wonderful Alexander" I said as he sat his guitar down.

We had about 30 minutes before he was supposed to get ready for their set and he always spent the time leading up to gigs in the safety of the bus with me.

"Not as wonderful as you Valerie" Alex said crawling up onto the bunk and hovering above me.

He said my name the way he'd say a song lyric. I tangled my fingers into his hair and pulled him down to me. His lips tasted like his chapstick and faintly like Jack Daniels. He moaned into my mouth and I moved one of my hands into his back pockets. Alex smirked against my lips.

"Now now young lady. What do you think we could possibly do for 30 minutes before Jack or somebody else comes in here and tells me to get ready?"

I chuckled and slid my hand around his waist and began to gingerly fiddle with his belt buckle. "Oh I don't know. I was hoping we could think of something."

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We were standing in the rain and screaming at each other. We had been arguing over God knows what and it turned into every argument ever. All the band members had huddled together in the house and left us to argue in the storm.

"I am so tired of the way you act Val!" Alex screamed. His face was red and flustered but his brown eyes looked absolutely defeated.

"Alex, don't act like everything is my fault! I do everything in the world for you!" I retorted.

I knew this was uncalled for and it was high time for it to end. But we both kept bending until we thought the other would break. He took a deep breath and I just stared at him. His hair was sticking to his forehead and he puffed out his cheeks. He looked like a wet chipmunk and it made my heart do weird tricks in my chest. His eyes caught mine.

"You're right. I'm sorry baby. Can we just forget this and go inside? We'll all order a pizza, with chicken, your favorite."

Alex's understanding of me and how to make things better was scary. But we had been together for 3 years. I nodded slowly and he stepped towards me. Not being able to resist him, I moved with him. His arms wrapped around me and I hadn't noticed how cold I was until I felt his warmth. He kissed my forehead and the stubble around his lips tickled my skin.

"I love you Val" Alex whispered.

"I love you too Alex."

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We were in bed on the morning after my 25th birthday. My hangover was already in high effect and Alex picked that morning to be snoring like a elephant in my ear. I groaned and slid away from him. Our bedroom door was busted open and a chipper Jack Barakat danced in.

"GOOD MORNING GASKARTHS! ITS BREAKFAST TIME!" He sing-songed and pulled our blanket right off us.

Thank God we were smart enough last night to at least throw something back on. Jack raised his eyebrows in a flirtatious manner when he noticed me in my underwear and bra and Alex just in boxers. I rolled my eyes and chucked my pillow at his head. Jack stumbled back and laughed. I couldn't lie; Jack's laugh was my favorite thing in the world.

"Alright, I can take a hint. Coffee and medicine for your very obvious hangovers is on the kitchen table when you two decide you can rip yourselves out of your sheets" Jack yelled as he made his way out of our room.

I rolled over and placed a hand on Alex's bare chest. I fit my head in the crook of his neck and he wrapped an arm around me. "Why did he call us Gaskarths?" I asked. "He's Jack honey. He does a lot of weird things. Is that idea so terrible to you?"

I scoffed. "As if. You won't get married. Not even to me"

"I don't know. Marriage doesn't sound so bad when it comes tied to such a good looking package"

I smiled and kissed his nose. "Lets go get breakfast. I need that Advil."

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Me and Alex clearly didn't get married. My name wasn't Gaskarth. It was still Majors and I didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I pulled myself up and into my bed. My buzz was already crashing and I needed to get to sleep quickly. I closed my eyes and tried not to let the images of Alex's bare chest and sleepy smile throw me into an emotional tornado.