A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Six: He's Not the Only One With Anger Issues

After almost two weeks of training, your body was covered in bruises and you were beyond exhausted. Besides waking up in the early hours of the morning, nightmares about your family and the murder you committed haunted every one of your dreams. You spent most nights staring at your ceiling, terrified of the tortuous dreams that were always waiting in sleep.

Despite how hard you were working, you felt you were hardly improving and you could sense frustration in the Commander. Your one achievement was successfully avoiding being pinned by Ren against a wall, something you were both proud of and, for some stupid reason, somewhat disappointed by.

You left your quarters earlier than normal and went to the training room, hoping to get in some extra practice without the Commander's scrutiny.

Not long afterward, Ren stalked into the room and removed his mask, as he had done for the past two weeks. Though you were sure you had memorized his face by now, you were still shocked every time you saw him.

Since your last intimate experience with Ren, you had been able to hold in your hatred towards him, choosing to release your anger through your combat training. Despite this, you still had to resist the urge to slice him open with his own lightsaber every time he walked into the room.

"Put that away," he muttered at you.

You frowned and looked at him curiously, but decided not to ask questions as you placed the staff back in its spot on the wall.

"Sit down on the floor and close your eyes."

This certainly wasn't the strangest thing he's had you do, but you still felt exposed as you crossed your legs and shut your eyes.

You heard his footsteps draw nearer and his cloak brushed your arm. Your eyes shot open and glanced up at him, fighting the urge to scoot away from him, but his glare made you shut them again.

"I want you to tell me what you're sensing, what you're feeling. Reach outside of just this room and outside of yourself."

You screwed up your face and thought hard about what you were supposed to be doing, but the only thing you were noticing was how cold the stone floor was and how close Ren was standing to you.

"Relax," his hand crossed one of your shoulders to the other and he pulled the unfastened cloak over your head. You shuddered slightly when his bare fingers touched your skin, realizing he had taken off his gloves. You released a deep breath and tried to calm your racing mind.

"I sense... emotions, feelings... determination, exhaustion, confusion."

"Good," he said softly. "What else do you feel? What can you see?"

You relaxed even further and images of different things came into your mind, places you knew and places you had never been to.

"I can see Starkiller Base. I see..." You didn't recognize the place. "I'm not sure where they are, but I see members of the Resistance. I-" your breathing stopped and you were overwhelmed with emotion.

"What is it?" He stepped closer, standing directly behind you.

"It's, uhm, it's my family," you whispered softly. You opened your eyes as you felt his body tense behind you.

"So I thought. They've been in your dreams."

You nodded slightly and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to prevent tears from falling from them.

"I've told you to let them go, they will only serve as a distraction to you."

"I could sense how they were feeling,"

Ren walked around to face you and looked down at your face. He raised an eyebrow, prompting you further and you looked away.

"They, they um, weren't sad," you glanced up at him again but he had turned away, his back to you. "They had no memory of me." You stood up and walked toward the Commander, slowly confirming your fears.

"You wiped me from their memory. You," anger bubbled in your stomach. "Gods, you made them think I never fucking existed."

Ren turned to face you, his expression angry. "It's easier this way I-"

"Don't you fucking dare say that this is easier!" you screamed at him and stood inches from his face. "You took me from them and left me with my memories, left me with the pain of leaving them." You tried to smack him but he caught your wrist with his ungloved hand.

"I tried to take the memory from you too, but your mind is too strong. Your own power blocked me."

"Don't touch me!" You wrenched your wrist from his hand and stepped away.

"Your love for them is weakness. If you hold on," he reached out for you again but you kept backing away, moving slowly to the door. "This weakness will be your downfall."

"Fuck you, I can sense weakness in you too." He narrowed his eyes at you but you kept going.

"You're afraid of something, there's something you have to do but you don't know if you can do it."

"That's enough," he growled, his face growing red.

"You're afraid of failure, afraid of power in other people."

"I said enough." He started walking towards you.

"You hate what you are being called to do. You hate what you've left behind. You're full of so much anger that-"

Your sentence was cut off by his hand on your throat, but powered by your anger, you stretched out your hand and threw Ren against the wall at the opposite end of the room. His body slammed into the weapons mounted on the wall, the weight of his body knocking them down and around his body.

Fuck.