A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Eighteen: Honest Conversations

Kylo stepped towards you, his eyes narrowed. You dropped your hand from his chest, slowly backing away from him.

"Tell me, why are you able to connect with them so easily?"

You rolled your eyes and laughed nervously.

"Come on, Kylo, I've told you, I'm not really sure why I can do it, I just can."

His gaze remained fixed on you as he stood closer, slowly backing you into the wall at the opposite end of the room.

"I'm not playing this little game with you any longer,"

You could feel the energy between you completely change: the playfulness, the affection, slowly evaporated. Just as you thought it would, Kylo's affectionate attitude finally disappeared.

"What game?" You stared up at him innocently, quickly trying to block off your mind to him.

"You're hiding something, from the First Order, from me." He stood incredibly close to you, his hands placed on the wall on either side of your head, making it difficult for you to escape.

"You have nothing to be concerned about," your eyes darted away from him, trying to ignore your accelerated heart rate.

He took hold of your chin, forcing you to look at him.

"You pledged yourself to the First Order,"

"I pledged myself to you," you shot back at him.

He leaned forward, his voice deadly quiet.

"I expect you to obey orders," his fingers still held your chin tightly. "If you compromise yet another mission, the Supreme Leader will not hesitate to have you terminated."

Your lips quivered slightly, trying your best to control your anger.

"And I-" he stared at you intensely, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I won't defend you again."

Your anger suddenly bubbled over the edge, and you extended your hand, forcing Kylo's body to shoot away from you. You stood with your hand outstretched as he crashed into the mirrored wall, your chest rising and falling heavily.

With one last glare at him, you exited the training room.
__________________________
Dr. Canmore appeared out of no where as soon as you entered the medbay.

"Are you busy?"

He smiled slightly at you, holding up a stack of documents.

"Just paperwork, but I can multitask."

He gestured for you to follow him and he lead you to a private corner of the room. He sat down at a desk and began sorting through the files and nodded for you to sit.

You plopped down on one of the nearby hospital beds, lying sideways across it so that your head dangled over the edge.

"So, what's your issue today?"

You rolled your eyes at him.

"You know I never answer that question honestly,"

"And yet I ask it anyway."

You groaned and rubbed your temple with your fingers aggressively, enjoying the feeling of the blood rushing to your head.

"Ok, so you know I never talk to you about personal stuff,"

Dr. Canmore nodded absentmindedly, not looking up from his work.

"But I think I might explode if I keep everything to myself any longer."

He glanced up and chuckled softly.

"I'm going to assume this has to do with your relationship with the Commander?"

You put your hands over your eyes, nodding begrudgingly.

"I'm sure you know how he his, he's an asshole, right?"

Dr. Canmore shrugged; you sensed the apprehension rolling off him, probably worried about some sort of punishment if he agreed to you.

"Well, he's actually been, well, nice, to me recently," you peaked through your fingers, seeing that Dr. Canmore was watching you.

"But of course I knew that couldn't last. Now he's back to being a jerk."

"And this surprises you?"

You uncovered your face and glared at him.

"No, of course it doesn't surprise me,"

You sat up, watching him continue his work.

"To be honest, I don't think this is what's bothering you," he looked up at you, his brow slightly furrowed.

You looked down at your hands, picking at your fingers nervously.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

He sighed and turned in his chair to face you, neglecting his work.

"I think it's something you're afraid to say out loud, something way deeper than your relationship with the Commander."

You brought one of your fingers to your mouth, chewing the skin around your nail. Your eyes met his and saw the genuine concern in them. Maintaining eye contact, you slowly nodded at him.

"You could tell me," he whispered, leaning towards you.

You quickly shook your head.

"No," you whispered back. "No one can know."

He leaned back in his chair again, sighing before turning back to his work.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"If you quit that terrible habit,"

You dropped your fingers from your mouth, remembering one of his past lectures.

"How do you know if you're doing what's right?"

You blurted out the question, not entirely sure what answer he would give.

He turned in the chair to face you again.

"Well, that depends on what you consider to be right and wrong." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Like, I mean, what if there's a 'right side' and a 'wrong side' and, um, theoretically, I'm on the wrong one?"

You refused to make eye contact with him, but you you could feel him watching you.

"Slona,"

He stood up and sat on the bed next to you while you looked at the ground.

"You have to trust yourself, trust your gut."

You looked up and met his green eyes, silently trying to tell him what you were thinking, trying to show him all the conflicted thoughts you've been dealing with.

"What happens next is all up to you," he smiled at you knowingly. "You just have to figure out what's right."

A single tear made its way down your cheek as you launched yourself at him, pulling him into a hug.

He sat stiffly in your arms out of surprise but slowly wrapped his arms around you, giving you a hug that reminded you of your father's.

"Thank you," you whispered into his hospital uniform, trying to ignore the feeling that this was the last time you were going to see him.

He gave you one last smile as you pulled away from him, standing up to go back to his paperwork.

As you walked towards the door, he called after you one last time.

"Remember, trust yourself."