A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Nine: Touch Without Motive

You went back to your room, hoping against hope that he wouldn't follow you this time. You climbed into bed with your knees pulled up to your chest again, facing the wall with your back to the door. You tried your best to hold in your sobs, to stop crying for the umpteenth time that day, but the tears kept coming. You felt completely and utterly alone; your own family no longer even knew who you were and honestly, neither did you.

You screwed your eyes shut when you heard the door slide open, hoping that the Commander would leave you alone if he thought you were sleeping.

Instead of his angry footsteps that came across the room the day before, you heard the sound of clothing rustling and boots dropping to the floor. All of a sudden, you felt your bed sink and the mattress groaned as he pulled himself onto it.

"You have to talk to me, Slona."

You chose not to look at him and continued facing the wall.

"No I don't," you muttered under your breath. You had no intention of crying in front of him again or pissing him off. "You don't talk to me, so why should I fucking talk to you?"

He huffed and rolled onto his side. You breathed in sharply when his hands brushed your hips, gently pulling your body against his.

"As your master, your teacher, my responsibility is to help you. Your power is only being weakened by your emotions."

"You already told me that," you barely breathed and your body was stiff against his, you found yourself waiting for the aggressive version of him to return. "The only emotion acceptable to you is anger."

"Anger is fuel for your power. Need I remind you of what happened yesterday?"

You shook your head and felt your face redden.

"I told you that was a mistake, there's no way I could make that happen again."

He snorted.

"That's why I'm teaching you."

"Well you should fucking teach me how to forget my family, then." You pursed your lips, trying to prevent a sob from escaping yet again. The room was silent until he let out a soft, deep breath.

"That's something you'll have to figure out yourself," his hand absentmindedly stroked your hair and your body gradually relaxed and you rested your head on his chest.

"I'm not sure I want to forget, I don't want to lose who I was, I don't want to change."

"You already have."

You wrenched yourself away from him and pulled yourself into a sitting position, staring down at him.

"There's still a piece of you from before," his eyes narrowed at you, his expression darkening. "You had a different life before, didn't you? I could sense it in you yesterday, you have so much regret, so much fear." He climbed out of bed and turned his back to you, his body tensing. "There's a part of you that is what you were before."

"Enough," he snarled and turned to face you with his brow furrowed. "That's not any of your concern."

Your eyes widened and you stared at him, but you kept your mouth shut, not wanting to provoke him any further.

Sighing, he lay back down on the bed and dragged your body against his again. You held your breath, surprised by the sudden change in attitude. He looped his arms around you and pulled you even closer, you rested your head on his chest once more.

"I left my old life behind. It's time for you to do the same."

You slowly released your breath and decided to let it go. If you had to forget, you could do it on your own time, not whenever he commanded you to.

One of his hands glided up and down your body, gently touching any exposed skin. You flinched as his hand went under your shirt, lightly tracing your rib cage.

"You've lost weight." The bluntness of his statement surprised you. "Don't make me punish you for not eating, too."

"Trust me, I won't be giving you any reason to 'punish' me any time soon."

He huffed ever so slightly into your hair.

"Don't bother trying to say that you didn't enjoy it, I can sense otherwise."

Though your body had relaxed against him, your mind was racing, wondering why he was being like this.

"You're confused,"

You rolled over to face him, fighting the urge to run your fingers through his hair or trace his soft, pliant lips.

"I don't understand," his brow furrowed, his expression blank. "How can you go from how you were yesterday to this?" You chewed on your thumb and looked away. "I'm not sure how to trust you, you're so..." He pulled your finger from your mouth and you glanced up at him.

"What?" he whispered, genuine confusion taking over his face.

You found yourself snorting at his expression. "You're so unpredictable."

He rolled his eyes and you clamped a hand over your mouth, trying to prevent yourself from looking like a giggling little girl. "You're usually a fucking asshole and now you're being nice?"

"You expect me to be cruel when you're in this emotional state?" His eyes widened, his mouth parted slightly in surprise to your laugh.

You rolled over and faced away from him again. "Well, you definitely were yesterday,"

He pulled you against his chest, his arms around your waist, his lips brushing against your ear.

"Keep up your attitude and there's a good chance the same events will take place again."

You sighed yet again and shook your head, smiling slightly. His large hands resumed gently touching your body and stroking your hair. Realizing that this affection wouldn't last, your eyes fluttered shut and you relaxed completely against him, sinking into the bed. As you slowly fell asleep, you dreaded waking again to a different version of the man lulling you to sleep.