The Unexpected Path

Chapter 34 - Lucas

"How is she?"

"Not so good," Mason shakes his head grimly. "She keeps crying for Emily. Says she can't do this without her."

Dad curses, running a hand through his hair and looking as miserable as he probably feels. Hopeless, too. I don't think he ever imagined being at Lizzie's labour delivery by himself, without Mom.

It's been two weeks since she died.

It still doesn't feel real, for any of us. Just yesterday Landon came downstairs, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and mumbling," Mom, what's for—"

He cut himself short, face falling and avoiding the way Dad and I watched him solemnly. He turned on his heel and went back upstairs without another word. Didn't leave his room the whole day.

Dad isn't any better. He's usually in his room and most of the time when I pass by, I can hear crying. It's faint but it's always there. I'm trying to be there for him. I figure it's the least I owe him. I made his life hell when he was going through the shittiest time of his life and now Mom is gone and no fucking way am I going to make it harder. It's hard enough and more than any of us can take. Mostly I just sit close by, nothing more than silent company, but he seems to appreciate it.

Me? Fuck if I know what I'm doing. I always said I'd be lost if Mom died and that's exactly what's happened. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what the fuck happens next. I don't know who I am without her. All I know is who I have now. I have my family and I have Olivia. I'm clinging onto both like I'll drown if I don't. I can't afford to push anyone away anymore, not unless I want to be ruined for good. Luckily, they're all willing to put up with me. I haven't made any of their lives easy by any means but they're still here and that means something.

Lizzie went nine days past her due date. The doctors think it could have been from the emotional distress she's been feeling. Either way, the past couple of weeks have sucked for her. She's hurting mentally and physically and now her baby is finally on its way, but Mom is nowhere to be found. She's not up for it. She's fighting the birth, refusing to go through with it. She's down the halls but I can hear her sobs from here. Everything is such a fucking mess.

We need you, Mom.

"Should I go see her?" Dad asks, face crestfallen. He looks like he has no idea what he's doing and he probably doesn't. I squeeze his shoulder, unsure what else I can possibly be useful for. Fucking nothing.

"Yeah," Mason nods. "She needs to start pushing but she's fighting it."

"Okay." Dad closes his eyes for a moment, his fingers threading through his hair roughly. "Fuck. Okay. Let's go."

Him and Mason head down the hall for Lizzie's delivery room so I tiredly slump in my seat again. I'm exhausted but sleep won't come to me. Now I'm up to four days without being able to fall asleep and it's fucking me up. It's harder to focus on things, to get shit done, to keep up with everything around me. Dad said I should go see a doctor for it but we have enough going on right now.

"Here." A styrofoam cup enters my line of vision and I look up, meeting Olivia's eyes. She offers a small and genuine smile. I don't give one back but she doesn't take offence. She knows how I get.

"Thanks." I take it from her, the smell of coffee immediately invading my senses. "Probably shouldn't be drinking this at three in the morning."

She takes the seat next to me and starts playing with my hair. I finally got it cut a week ago but only because Olivia did it. I don't want to see anyone, or their faces of pity or listen their meaningless apologies. We can't even mourn Mom peacefully because the whole world knows.