Burning Desire

Fallen

I hated every moment of having to change that morning. I looked into the mirror as I finished with my tie, the bruising over my body was still standing out even now, a week later, there was no hiding the dark purple across my cheek and jaw against the natural tone of my skin. Memories of the warehouse fire flashed through my mind as I straightened out my uniform.

The sound of the PASS alarms going off, my own included. They sounded so far away as I fought for consciousness, pain wracking my entire body, and fear consuming what little thread of awareness I had. The flames were everywhere, raging on in victory, their intense heat felt like it was burning right through my uniform, licking at my skin and seeping into me, scorching my airways. I tried to pick out the fallen bodies nearby, seeking signs of life through the blaze, but it was no use as the image before my eyes zoned in and out in a haze, my eyes refusing to focus after the force that I had hit the ground. Darkness consumed me once more as I lay defeated among my family that were so near, and yet so far from my side.

Picking up my car keys, I left the flat trying to shake the images from my head, but it was impossible, they were so painstakingly clear and it was as though they'd been burned into my memory forever, a torturous loop of that awful day. I remembered nothing about being pulled from the building, not even from the ambulance ride. But I remembered every second of hearing my sister crying by my bedside, telling me how scared she was. I remembered the look in my dad's eyes as he watched his only son confined to a hospital bed, battered and bruised, the realisation that he could have lost me was clearer than ever. But all of this paled in comparison to the thing that I would always remember, the pain that I felt, that I was feeling now, and had done every day since that shout. Unlike physical pain, this wasn't going to ease, because another member of my family was gone, and there was no way of bringing them back.

As the procession passed through the streets, various onlookers paused in their day to day activities to stop and watch us pass. I stood on the appliance, with the others, our positions on either side of our fallen colleague. Staring straight ahead, I refused to allow myself to glance over at the coffin beside me. I couldn't bear to look, the flag and helmet that adorned it would make me break, I knew it, and I couldn't falter here. I needed to keep holding together, no matter how much I was breaking inside. A small sniffle just ahead to my right caught my attention, and my eyes flicked to the source. Lacey was staring ahead just as determinedly as me, an expression of forced professionalism on her face, whilst a tear rolled slowly over her cheek. I wanted to be able to comfort her, the sight of her tears tugged at my heart and I knew she was just as hurt as me, but there was nothing that I could do right now, and so I returned my gaze to the front, looking past Jax and seeing the start of the path towards the cemetery.

As far as the eye could see, fellow firefighters from the surrounding area and other Watch's lined each side of the road, forming a guard of honour as we passed through, slowly making our way closer to the church. I felt my eyes stinging as the touching moment crashed over me, everything blurred for a second as tears formed, brimming in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Blinking rapidly, I took a steadying breath, gathering myself and forcing away the building tears as we came to a stop.

Once the procession had stopped, the guests began to group together, making their way forward, ready to follow into the church. Alex called us to attention and the six of us took our positions, lifting together. The knowledge of who resided in the coffin, and the weight of the body slammed so much emotion through me that I felt choked. I hoped that I'd never have to go through this process ever again, and yet here it was, and even harder than before. In perfectly ordered steps, we followed the priest, moving through the doors and inside.

The church was large, ornate and beautiful. The ceiling stretched so high that the music that was playing echoed loudly as though playing for the heavens far above. Tall stained glass windows twinkled with rainbow colours across the large concrete beams that lined the outer sides of the benches, and glowing candelabras hung over the long, dark wood benches on either side of the aisle. Floral wreaths stood up ahead and we pressed on toward them. It was the large photo that stood alongside them that sent a ripple of grief and heartache coursing through me. The blown up image of Dodger captured his personality perfectly. A single still frame that contained all of the love in his beaming smile, and the familiar mischievous glee in his eyes, which twinkled in the photo just as much as they had in life. I remembered when that picture was taken, and the fun that we'd all had. I could practically hear his laugh right now, and it was with a pang that I knew I'd never hear it again. I would never have guessed that this day would come, and evidence of such a fun day would become a centrepiece at his funeral. He was the vibrant soul of Red Watch and I couldn't even begin to fathom how we would get used to being without him.