Memories

Chapter 22.

My steps were soft as I entered the Council chambers, my cloak wrapped tight around myself, as I stood in the centre of the room, looking down at my boots. The setting sun burned on the horizon, sending some of its rays spilling into the room as it competed with the clouds of fire that tried to envelop its gold-orange brightness.

I dipped my head, bowing to the Council members, chewing my lip. "Good evening, Masters," I greeted them politely, and it took everything I had not to lose my nerve when I felt the intense gaze of Mace Windu boring into me.

"A good evening, it is," Yoda responded with the faintest hint of a chuckle. "Do what for you, can we?"

I allowed a smile to twitch at my lips. "I came to talk about today's mission, and firstly, I would like to apologize for its failure. It was my fault, and I know I should have done better, but I-I was having a rough day," I stammered on the last part, faltering when I remembered that I had just repeated what I said this morning. "Please don't send me. Please. I-I'm not having a very good day."

Mace Windu leaned forwards, his hands resting on his knees, fingertips pressed together. "Excuses aren't good enough, Skywalker. We expect you to complete what we ask of you."

"They expect so much from you ... it's almost as though they forget you're a person. People like that are difficult to trust."

I sucked in a quick breath. "I'm sorry, Master Windu, but I tried. It just ...."

"It isn't good enough," he finished for me. "This is the third time you have failed the mission, and we are not impressed."

"But I had a bad day!" I protested. "Am I supposed to have it all together all the time? I was distracted!"

"You should not allow yourself to get distracted," he countered, an edge to his tone. "We expect more of you, Skywalker."

"I'm just a person!" I said in exasperation, trying desperately to push my memories down. "They expect so much ...." "I'm a person." "It's almost as though they forget you're a person." My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking. "And I'm trying! I'm trying really hard!"

"Apparently not hard enough," Mace responded flatly. "This is no behaviour for a Jedi Knight, especially one with a padawan! Do you not realize that your padawan is watching everything you do? If she sees you failing these missions because you're distracted, she is quite likely to start believing that it's okay to lose focus. It isn't good enough, Skywalker."

"You're not listening!" I pleaded, my mind racing faster than my heart. This is what the chancellor said could happen. "Do I have to get it right every second of the day? I'm still human!"

"You aren't listening to us," Mace replied sternly. "And it appears you aren't listening to Kenobi, either. We sent him to talk to you, and I would have expected you to have responded differently to us because of that."

"I didn't talk to Obi-Wan, okay?" I snapped, the blood pounding in my temples. How was this fair? "They are aware that you're struggling, but they're pushing you." Oh, I was feeling pushed, alright. "I stormed out on him; there, I said it! And prove me if I'm wrong, but now you're going to listen to me, aren't you? Because all you hear is everything I do wrong and nothing I do right!" He went to say something, but I wasn't finished, my breath coming in faster gasps. "But then, we query, am I even doing anything right? Isn't everything I do a failure in some way? You ask so much of me, but you don't let me use my power to do it!" I exploded, feeling a payload of emotions crashing down and tightening my throat. The unfairness of it all smashed into the guilt I felt at losing it at the Council. I felt awful, but my blood was up and I was letting my emotions and utter exhaustion spill into my words. "All I want to do is please you! But it seems that nothing I do is good enough for you! It's 'do this' and 'do that' but never a 'thank you' or 'well done!' It's almost like I'm your slave!" I yelled.