no questions asked | ethma

5

Emma

My grief ran in cycles.  Not stages. Cycles.

Numbness, crying until I can't breathe, still working because I needed my mind to calm the fuck down, too much wine, numbness.

I miss Mark so much.

The funeral wasn't going to be for another two weeks. The end of September. The worst month of my entire life.

Green Day was right when they said 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'.

I had to hold it together for Mark's family.

The day before I was leaving for Rochester, I had to work.

I showered,got dressed and ready, and then I sat in my car for fifteen minutes and cried. It didn't occur to me that anyone saw me until Ethan climbed into the passenger seat of my car.

I quickly wiped my tears away, hoping Ethan wasn't seeing the worst of me.

"Damn it. I was hoping no one saw me."

"Emma, don't worry. You're fine. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about Mark."

I leaned my head back against the headrest, closing my eyes. "Ugh. Thank you. It's been so hard."

"You need support right now. Just know if you need anything, I'm across the hall."

I glanced at Ethan, who was already staring at me. "Thank you." I whispered. I felt like I'd break down again if I spoke any louder.

"Hey, I'm really sorry that I was an asshole when you first moved in."

"Don't worry about it. I'd be annoyed if someone told me to turn music down too."

"I wasn't annoyed. I was just being a jerk."

"It's okay. No worries here."

"You're a good person. Stay that way, okay?"

"Thanks, Ethan."

"It's the least I can do." He said. Then he climbed out of the car and didn't look back as he walked away.

Maybe we can be friends.

-

I drove to Rochester early the next morning, and I decided to stay at Mark's parents house. I stayed busy helping them with anything they needed. Around the house, funeral arrangements, and simply just being there. They needed me, and frankly I needed them too.

It actually made me feel like I could survive this. Being around his family. Telling stories about Mark. Listening to stories about him. I still felt like he was in the next room and would walk in any second, but maybe it would never feel real.

I was helping out as much as I can, but three days after I had arrived, Mark's mom Catherine sat me down.

"Emma, honey. Slow down. We're gonna be okay. I want you to make sure you're okay too."

I nodded my head. I just felt like there was so much I needed to do for them. For Mark.

"I'm okay."

"But are you surviving?"

She was right. I wasn't me. Mark wouldn't want me to over stress myself.

"I just really miss him."

"I know you do, honey. He loved you so much. I hope you know that."

I nodded. "He always told me he loved me forever."

"He did. He still does. I know he's so proud of you, and he knows how much you love him."

"He was so brave. And I can't stop thinking about when he came home for New Years and surprised me. He looked so handsome in his uniform. I'd give anything to relive that moment."