Building Attachment

Chapter 14

POV: Ahsoka Tano

The door of the ship opened and I ran straight past my master towards the temple. I ran through the halls hiding my face from the other Jedi as I went, with my hands. I was running towards my dorm, but then I remembered it was my master's dorm too, and I didn't want to talk to him right then, I wanted to be alone.

I changed my direction and ran towards The Room of a Thousand Fountains instead. I entered the room and was relieved to find it was empty.

I came in here whenever I wanted to be alone or was deeply troubled by something. Something about the way the light shined perfectly through the fountains, and the sound of water falling into the many pools surrounded by beautiful shades of green life, offered me a sense of peace and comfort through the force that no other place could.

I fell to the soft green ground alongside my favorite fountain and let my tears fall freely. I couldn't accept what I had just witnessed. She was dead. Alya, the only friend I had for years, was gone.

I didn't know what else to do besides just lay there and cry helplessly by myself.

After about fifteen minutes, my crying had finally stopped, but I was just as miserable. I was angry. I was angry and didn't know who to blame besides the separatists. I blamed my master. He could have saved her! If he had tried she would still be alive right now, but instead, he chose to save me!

I sat up on my knees and squeezed the side of my face as more pain began the surge through me.

A few minutes later, I felt his presence enter the room and stand behind me.

I turned towards him with my face tear-stained and my eyes red. "How did you find me? What do you want!" I asked him.

He looked at me sadly. "You weren't in the dorm and I knew you loved this room."

"Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you!"

He closed his eyes and a painful expression crossed his face. "I'm so sorry Ahsoka," he whispered, still standing behind me.

My tears returned and fell from my face and onto my lap.

"I can't believe she's gone," I whispered as I bowed my head.

He remained silent. I turned to him and felt my anger being released.

"You could have saved her!"

"Ahsoka..."

"She died and It was your fault!"

"Ahsoka, I know that you are upset and you have every right to be, but you can't blame this on me, I did everything I could."

"No, you didn't. You saved me instead of Ayla!

His face was starting to show signs of hurt, but I didn't care. I was too angry.

He stared at me painfully. "I tried to save you both."

"You didn't save us both! You chose me over her! She is dead and I am alive!"

"I... I couldn't let you die Ahsoka."

I was crying uncontrollably now. "No! You were too late! You let her die!" I screamed at him

His eyes locked with mine as my harsh words left my mouth.

"You let her die just like you let your own mother die!"

I took one look at him and regretted the words I had said as soon as I said them.

For the first time I had ever witnessed while he was very much conscious, tears welled up in his eyes as he took a stagger step backward. He gave me a hurt and victimized look, before running out of the room.

I stood up abruptly and my eyes widened. "Oh no... Master! Wait!"

I chased after him until he came out of view. He probably went to our dorm. I stopped and walked slowly in that direction.

I couldn't believe what I had just said! I felt so terrible. I kept walking and thought about what I had done, and... I let go of my anger towards him of Ayla's death. I knew it wasn't his fault. I had just been so angry and needed someone to blame and let my anger out on. I took deep breaths and felt my anger fade away and be replaced with sadness and guilt.

After a few minutes, I approached our dorm. I stood in front of the door and took a deep breath before walking inside. My heart clenched in my chest as I saw him. He lay on his bed with his back facing me. He made no noise at all, but as I came closer, I saw heavy waves of tears flowing down his cheeks as he sobbed silently.

I stood there for a few seconds trying to process what I was seeing. My master was crying! He never cried and hardly ever showed a soft side. He was always trying to keep up his reputation of the fearless chosen one, unwilling to let his emotions show, and I had brought him to tears. I saw him cry during his nightmare that other night, but he was unconscious and that didn't count.

I could see he was trying so hard to stop the tears that he didn't want me to see, but he couldn't stop them. All he could do was lay there silently and let his tears fall. He was the most vulnerable and insecure I had ever seen him. The longer I stared at him, the more remorse I felt. I knew I had just reopened a terrible hole in his heart that he had tried so hard to repair.

I slowly made my way towards his bed and sat down beside him, his back still facing me.

I hesitantly placed my hand on his back and rubbed it in small circles.

After a few moments, I finally spoke. "I'm so sorry Master," I whispered to him softly."I was angry and depressed and I didn't know how to handle those emotions, so I took it out on you and I am so sorry." I paused. "I didn't mean anything I said."

He slowly began to move and I quickly lifted my hand from his back. He rolled over and faced me, but his eyes looked down, avoiding my gaze.

"It hu-rts the most be- because you were right." He said as he tried to control his voice over his silent tears. "I did fail her! I- I was too late!"

I quickly lay down beside him and wrapped my arms desperately around him. "No!" I said and then continued in a softer tone. "No Anakin."

I felt him freeze in my arms, his tears stopping for a moment. I was in shock myself. I had never once in all our time together called him by his name.

After a moment I closed my eyes against his chest and continued. "No Anakin." His name felt so soft and perfect coming off my lips. "You loved your mother and you did everything you could to save her. It wasn't your fault." If he had any protests against me using his name, he certainly didn't show it...

Silence dwelled in the room as I finished. I brought one of my hands up and ran my fingers through his hair, giving in to the increasing temptation.

I heard him sigh softly, feeling content in my embrace and his tears slowly began to cease.

I jumped in surprise as I felt his strong and warm arms come up and circle around my waist, I wave of heat coming to my face as my lekku darkened, but I soon relaxed into the touch.

"Thank you Ahsoka," he whispered so softly it was barely audible. More comfortable silence followed until he spoke again. "I'm so sorry about Ayla."

I felt my tears returning at his words as he sighed and held me tighter.

"It wasn't your fault Master," I finally told him.

We continued holding each other tightly, facing the sorrows of the past together, and preparing to face another day tomorrow.