FAR AWAY [JENLISA ]

17| C O N T R A D I C T I O N

"Lisa--" my hands rested on her chest, gently pushing her back.

"You love me too, Jennie. Don't push me away." She shook her head.

"Lisa, no. Things can't go back to what they were. There's too much that I don't understand." I pulled away and she slowly let go of my wrists.

"What else is there to say, Jennie?" she grunted in displeasure, as if she were physically ill.

"Lisa," I held her face closely. "I still love you, very much. I never stopped, but sometimes love isn't enough. Circumstances don't allow us together, even though we love each other. All we can do is accept that." Her eyes were glassy, and I turned around. "I already have." I said softly to myself.

"Well I'm not strong like you!" she yelled , throwing her glass against the wall. I jumped a little, shocked by her rage. I've never seen her so upset before. She's always been calm and one to walk away, instead of fighting.

She's stronger than she thinks. She got married and moved on. I didn't.

She wiped her tears away with the palm of her hand.

"I love you too much to accept this, Jennie." She walked with a fast pace my way. "We can make it work." Her trembling hands grabbed my face. Her forehead then rested against mine.

I kept my hands fisted to my side, resisting the urge to hold her.

"I only have friendship to offer, Lisa." I whispered. Her thumb wiped away the tears on my cheek. I didn't even know that I was crying or when it started.

"What we have is more than friendship." She said, pulling my hips closer to hers. I gasped at the sudden movement.

"This is what you do to me, Jennie." And then I felt it. Something bulged through her pants and rubbed against my lower stomach.

I looked up at her in shock. I'm sure my eyes were bigger and rounder than saucers.

"Is that. . . ?" I asked.

"Yes Jennie, it's me. And all of it, all of me, is yours."

"Lisa--"

"I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I tried Jennie, I tried to move on and look forward, but I can't. This feels too right."

My mouth fell open. I didn't know what to believe anymore.

She wasn't lying.

"You're--" I looked down between us, my eyes still wide.

Her hands fell from my waist, and she moved back as if touching me burnt her skin.

"You think I'm a freak?" she asked in horror.

"No, Lisa--!"

"That's why you don't want me, because I'm abnormal. Are you disgusted? Do I make you feel disgusted?" she threw her thumb at her chest, pointing at herself.

"Lisa!" I shouted, watching her nervously pace around the room. "I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. Your silence speaks are louder than words, and your expression proved it." She said, still pacing back and forth.

"You're making assumptions."

"Like you did, Jennie?" She stopped and faced me with her hands on her hips.

"That's unfair."

"Just leave, Jennie." She pinched her eyes closed.

"Not when you're like this. Calm down, Lisa." I pleaded.

"I'm fine, Jennie." She smiled, but nothing about that smile looked real.

"You're not, Lisa--"

"Jennie, it's okay. I understand." She waved her arm and shook her head.

"You need to leave. My family will be home soon."

I stepped back and blinked. All this time we were in a world of our own that I forgot that she has a family. That she didn't need me.

I slowly nodded and swallowed back my tears.

I've come too far to go 10 steps back. I still have a chance to detach myself from this. Thankfully it happened early enough for me to back out.

She watched me as I gathered my belongings. Everything became so awkward and I didn't know what else to say besides:

"Goodbye, Lisa."

It's so crazy. It almost was as if we were going to meet again. Like everything's only adjourned until next time.

But this is it.

This is goodbye forever.

"Jennie, wait!" she called after me.

I slowly turned and saw her running.

"Your purse." She said, then opened her mouth to say something else.

I waited, and nothing happened. Part of me wanted her to ask me again, for the last time. I would've ran back to her now that I know what it feels like, walking away as if this were the end. As if we'll never cross paths again. My stomach turned. I had the chance, and it slipped like sand through my fingers.

"Thank you." I replied, and turned away.

. . .

"Where to, Miss?" the driver asked.

I looked out of my window, watching her slowly fade away as she made her way up the driveway to her home.

'Leave me here, and keep the change.' I'd tell the driver.

I came here with the ball in my court. I was in control of this outcome. Now as I leave, I feel like I've lost. I had all the power cards, yet fate won, again. Lisa still loves me, and I pushed her away and now it's too late.

I should've learnt from times when I wanted to cut my hair so badly only for me to complain about how much I missed my longer hair with blonde highlights, a day later.

I'm afraid.

I don't want to have anything that I could lose. Losing her wasn't where the snowball stopped tumbling. I lost myself. I lost the relationships that I had with other people, including my family. I lost the person that I once was, and I just got myself back on track again. I'm too damn afraid to allow myself to go back to the old Jennie. There's too many people that rooted for my stability and for me to be better again, for me to disappoint them when I fall back into that dark place.

I love Lisa, and that's why it would be best to just let her go. She's not mine to keep. If she belongs to everybody, she actually belongs to nobody.

"Take me to the nearest bar, please." I said, and rested back against the cold leather seats.

. . .

"Thanks. If I got there a minute later, things would've gone sour very quickly."

"Allow me, Ma'am." the sound of a car door opened.

"I got here as soon as I can."

"You've done enough. We're only fortunate enough that I took down you cab number."

"Very much so."

"Thank you again for helping me, sir." the door closed shut.

"No problem ma'am. I hope that she feels better in the morning."

"I'll make sure of it."

"Very well. Take care Miss--?"

"Manoban."