Misguided ( discontinued) (reposted)

Pencil

(Komaeda POV)

Mahiru gave me a journal to write down my feelings a while ago. I don't wanna be rude, so I've come to it and jotted down some stuff every once and awhile out of respect for her. She only wants to help me feel better about things.

Mahiru's really nice. I like Mahiru, she's such a good friend even if she can get quite stern..

I sat down at my desk, grabbed a pencil and slowly started writing down how I feel about recent events. I've been really stressed out recently with all this family stuff, so I happened to vent about a lot-

Hajime yelled at me for eating the avocado. Well, I shouldn't phrase it that way... I mean, it takes two people to fight I guess... But avocado? It's a tiny bit funny I guess... I yelled back at him. I made him cry, which wasn't funny. Then I went on a walk. I'm a terrible husband. A terrible dad. I hope Kokichi wasn't awake to hear any of it...

We used to actually never have so many issues. When we were in high-school, we would go on basic dates. You know- coffee shops, libraries, parks... Basic couple stuff. We liked going to quiet places to get away from all the chaos, but now it feels like we're living in the chaos.

He probably hates me, and I don't blame him. I wouldn't be surprised if he brought home divorce papers one of these days. God, Kokichi would be devastated.

Some time two years ago, me and Hajime were screaming at each other, it was definitely really late that night. All the commotion woke up Kokichi, and he stayed in his room and listened to us yell at each other for a while.

I suspect that we woke him up, so I went to check on him. I found him silently crying, covering his head with his pillow desperate to have silence. I never felt like more of an asshole after that. We sat in silence for a long time before he just fell asleep again.

Kokichi deserves better than this. Hajime deserves better than this. This is all a huge mess.

Angry and losing my state of mind, I press down on the pencil and start writing more quickly and violently desperate to get this out. Venting to myself with writing usually makes me feel better, but recently it just gets boring and not as comforting. I don't usually write this much because it's usually so quick to help me out of my mood, but I guess good things don't last forever.

I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm th-

Snap

Oh. The pencil lead broke.

I take a deep breath in, and look at the now full page, covered in words with an additional pencil smudge on the side where the lead snapped. That's annoying, but I guess I can't do anything about it. Just my luck that the eraser on the pencil is so worn down. I guess it'll just stay there and silently piss me off.

I space out, staring at the pencil for a while. I could probably stab someone with this, and watch as blood pours out of them like gushing water, as they fall limp and take their last breath... Maybe poke their eyes out as you watch the horrified expression? Could you slit a throat with a pencil? My grip tightens around the pencil, as I try to clear my head.

What the hell.. Why the hell would I even think about that... That's disgusting... Why would that image even form in my mind.. At this rate, I'm just going to end up hurting Hajime or Kokichi. I would never forgive myself. I would never ever be able to forgive myself. Even though we fight, I would never want to hurt him... And I have no reason to hurt my son.

I know deep down I don't even have the heart to do this but still... It scares me, just the thought of doing something so awful to another person. God... I hurl the pencil across the room, as it hits the wall and falls to the floor with a clatter. I should probably go to bed so I don't bother anyone.

But I don't go to bed. Instead I sit in my chair for a while. In silence. Alone. I don't want to see anyone but my kid but he's too busy doing who knows what. It doesn't really matter, as long as he's not breaking any laws, drinking, doing drugs, or any other stuff he knows he's not supposed to do and is happy I don't mind what he's doing. As long as he's happy.

Hajime on the other hand... I want him to be happy too of course, but whenever i'm around him I can't help but feel like my presence is a bother to him! I just wish he would talk to me about it, then I could fix it! I can't help if he doesn't let me know what's going on...

I think i'm the type of person who is happy when the people I love are happy. This family shit is just a bit too much, and it's getting to my head. I hate feeling like crap everyday just because everyone around me is miserable.

Kokichi is upset that me and Hajime fight, and Hajime just seems upset at me in general. And I'm upset because they're upset! It's a path to destruction, I swear! We all know it, and nobody's doing anything to help it. I should just try to talk to them individually.

I'll do anything for them to be happier. I love them both, very much... And all I want is for our family to be normal again!

Setting his grouchy mood aside, I hope Hajime's feeling okay. He doesn't usually act so.. well... short tempered... which is making me short tempered too. It's not normal behavior for him, so of course I'm going to be worried about him.

I'll ask him tomorrow so I don't bother him right now, I think he's still mad about the avocado, which now I think is a little silly. Well, I now know to not mess with his food... A step towards progression I guess!

Oh well. Honestly, writing that all out did eventually make me feel better and calmed me down. Thank god for Mahiru, she's an absolute angel.

It is getting late though, as I look over at the wall clock. I try to stand up, but I find my body is heavy and darkness is filling my vision. My eyelids get heavy, as I finally fall into slumber.

And you know what?

I finally had a good dream that night.