Cloud 69

32:

His knee shook up and down violently and his knuckles turned white from the tight grip on the steering wheel. He kept his eyes concentrated on the road, looking over at me in the corner of his eyes every minute or so. I knew better than to ask where we were going.

I was smart enough to figure out that we were heading towards his house; I recognized the area. However, I couldn't figure out why of all places this is where we were going. 

I looked down at my lap, trying to recollect all my thoughts. What happened in the detention room felt like days ago, not less than a half hour ago. Everything Dylan said made no sense to me. How could he possibly think that Carson was in love with me?

I didn't notice the car stop. I only broke out of my thoughts when the car door slammed shut and I watched Carson walk away from the car.

I got out and followed after him. He walked into his house, leaving the front door open for me. He wasn't really waiting for me; he just made his way into the living room. I closed the front door and followed suit. 

The first thing I noticed was how pristinely clean the house was. Sure, no one was living here, but still. The television remotes were lined up on the edge of a glass coffee table, the throw pillows on the couches were neatly placed and the blankets were neatly folded. There wasn't so much as a speck of dust anywhere. 

Minutes passed by and Carson still hadn't moved from where he stood across the room with his back to me. 

I tried thinking of something, anything to say, but I couldn't. A large part of me didn't even want to be here right now.

Finally, he turned around, his eyes finding mine immediately.

"Madeline, I-" He cut himself off.

"Carson, I need to know if it's true."

He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long breath of air. He shook his head as if choosing not to respond. I was trying not to be frustrated or scared, but the longer we stood here in silence, the tighter the knot in my stomach got. 

"Is it true, Carson?"

"Of course it's true, Madeline."

My eyes widened. I shook my head.

"Maddie..."

"No, Carson! Why- what- why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't ready. You still aren't, but I don't really have a choice anymore."

"You always had a choice. How long have you been choosing to keep this from me?"

He shook his head, "Trust me, Maddie, you don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"Because if I tell you five years, you'll freak out."

I stepped back, "Five years? You've... five years?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Can you just come here? And sit with me?"

I didn't move. I just stared at him in disbelief. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode, and I had this uneasy, vomity feeling. 

"Please?"

He sighed and came over to me. He reached out to take my hand, but I pulled away. He sat down on the couch in front of me, and beckoned for me to do the same. I hesitantly sat down on the opposite side of the couch.

"Maddie, I never wanted to hurt you," He started. "But when all this started, I was 11 and used to getting everything I wanted. And when you didn't want me, and I couldn't have you, that sucked. I wasn't yet used to the concept that just because I wanted something doesn't mean I could just have it."