Cloud 69

33:

A few days had passed, and Carson had done his best to stay out of my way. He was out of the house before I woke up, and wouldn't come home until I was asleep. Part of me wondered how long he planned to live like this. The other part of me wondered how long I could  live like this.

"What do you want me to tell you, Maddie?" Dylan sighed. "I can say I'm sorry, but it's not entirely true."

"I just want to know why, Dylan. Why'd you do it?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I hadn't meant to, but once I started I knew it was the only way the truth was going to come up. You and Carson would both rather live in ignorance than face reality."

We were sitting in his car in a parking lot in front of the beach, close to midnight. I needed to talk to someone, and despite how mad at him I wanted to be, Dylan was the only person I knew I could talk to about this. 

"Dylan, I need your help."

"If it's about Carson, I don't think I should get involved."

"How did you know that he... well, you know?" I asked, bluntly.

He took his eyes off of me and stared out the window, towards the water. Not that you could really see it; it was nearly pitch black outside. 

"I always kind of knew," he said. "Carson's great at hiding his emotions, but he was always kind of transparent when it came to you. Especially when we were younger."

"Well, how did you know for sure?"

Dylan sighed, "I can't remember the last time I saw Carson smile. A real smile, not that stupid smirk. But that morning, after Jason's, I went to your room, Madeline. I saw you two in there, and Carson had the biggest smile I've ever seen across his face."

"So? He smiled?"

Dylan shook his head, "I finally confronted him on his way out of your room. We sat down in the kitchen and he told me everything. He didn't really have to say what he felt, I could tell just by the way he talked about you."

"You don't sound angry about it."

He shrugged, "I'm not angry."

"Then why were you screaming the other day?"

"I don't know. I guess I just felt a little betrayed by the both of you. This whole situation isn't ideal either; I practically begged you to stay away from him and-"

"Yeah, but why? Why couldn't you let me make my own decisions?"

"Maddie, it was never you I was worried about. I wanted you to stay away from him, it's because I was worried that you would hurt him."

"Me?"

"You've managed to find a way to wall up all of your mushy emotions. If he ever did something to you, you'd eventually get over it. Carson's different, he's been rejected his whole life. He's been holding onto this childhood fantasy that one day, you'll like him back, and I think if you rejected him, he wouldn't get over it."

"Dylan, what am I supposed to do?"

"Let him love you."

"How can I do that?"

He shrugged, "By loving him back."

"Dylan-"

"It's that simple, Maddie. You either care about him in that way or you don't. It's not a decision I can make for you, either."

I huffed. He was right. He was always right. 

*             *            *

I switched off the lamp on my nightstand and collapsed onto the bed. I rolled around for a bit, trying to find a comfy spot. My bed felt like a pile of bricks; Carson's was comfier. It was weird not having him laying on the other side, saying something pervy about my pajamas.