I See You, You See Me

Some Don't Make It

"That's....really encouraging." Again Namjoon laughed without humour.

"Once something happens....like...it's a part of us. There's no going back to before. There's only working it into the story of our lives, accepting those pages. You don't heal, you....." She shrugged.
"Become someone new. Hopefully someone better."

"I just don't wanna feel like this."

"I know. You'll get there."

"I wanna be a good mate and help you with whatever you need help with and go back to what I was doing before...." Y/N hesitantly put a hand on his arm.

"And you will. But it'll take time. So please don't push yourself, be kind to yourself. I know it feels like those people outside of you are right, but they're not the only ones outside of you. We are too. And we all see you as valuable. So believe us until you believe it for yourself too."

And slowly. Slowly. It felt like the burden was beginning to ease a little. Namjoon shuddered and covered his eyes with his hand. Y/N squeezed his shoulder before sitting back and dropping her hand.

"I'm weak." There. He said it. The most toxic thing out of all this. That he was to blame. That it was because of an inherent flaw with him. When the therapist told him the truth, when his brothers told him the truth, it's what kept him from daring to hope their words were true. If he'd been stronger it wouldn't have happened. He should've stood up to them, not let them play with his head.

Y/N didn't disagree with him.

"How?" She was genuinely curious as to what convoluted mess his mind had created to make him come to that conclusion.

"If I was stronger...." His voice was weaker as he tried not to cry. He was saying the most hurtful thing in his soul and letting it out felt like dying. "If I was stronger, none of it would've happened."

"I know you know that's not true." She said softly.

"I know." He swallowed. "But it won't go away. Why can't I make it go away. I feel like I'm being poisoned from the inside out." He moved to cover his face with his other hand as well, but before he could he heard the chair next to him creak and felt fingers gently tugging his hands down and taking hold of his chin.

"Is this okay?" Y/N checked. She couldn't let him feel like this, not if she could do anything to make it go away. She may not have even known who he was several months ago, but like it or not he was one of her responsibilities, and she always took that seriously. They were practically strangers and yet in one of the most intimate connections made by humankind.

"Yeah." Just getting that word out past the painful lump in his throat was hard. And he tried avoiding Y/N's eyes, but she tilted his head until he was forced to meet them. It felt like looking into....he didn't know what. It was scary and it was comforting. It could rip him to pieces and it understood every word he didn't say.

"There's nothing stronger than living through things like that." Y/N spoke slowly, clearly, making sure each word sunk into his head. "Some of us..." He saw her free hand unconsciously go to her side out of the corner of his eye. "almost didn't make it. Some of us don't make it. Surviving any part of it is strength, surviving all of it shows depths of strength, reservoirs of it, like you're a hero in one of those old epics." Then Y/N shifted her eyes, like she was in thought. "Actually never mind, most of those guys were wimps and needed to cheat to get stuff done...."

It felt like balm was dripping, slowly but surely, onto his heart. And he couldn't help but laugh a little, a real laugh this time, as she went off on a completely different line of thought.

"Well, you know what I mean." She shrugged and let her hand drop, but he caught it and looked down.

His dwarfed hers, she was just small in general next to him. And yet he always felt like the tiny one.

"You know....you're not so bad." He finally ventured. He knew she probably had some idea of what his family told him about her. Not that he wanted to repeat it. But he was relieved it wasn't true.

"You just think that cuz you haven't pissed me off yet." She tried to laugh it off, but this time it was his turn to look her in the eye. He wanted to fight it but he wanted her to get this. To know this.

"In all seriousness, I'm sorry I didn't see what they were doing earlier. I thought....I thought that was you. I assumed the worst. And I'm sorry for that."

"It's not your fault they're terrible people." She sighed.

"Yeah.....but....I know. I should've seen before everyone else. I should've put it together right away."

"I'm glad you're not like they said." He let her hand fall after that and Y/N cleared her throat. Clearly when he was pouring his emotions out, she was in her element. But as soon as they started talking about her, she was uncomfortable.

"Was that all you wanted to talk about?" He nodded.

"I just....I figured since we're together now. And you're not what they said. I need you to know everything so you're not surprised."

"Well, thank you for trusting me." And she did look genuinely grateful.

"You said....you said "almost"." He wanted to go back to that. He wanted to know what was behind that statement. But by Y/N's puzzled face he could tell she'd already forgotten. "Some of us almost don't make it....." He let his voice trail off in an unspoken question, feeling too drained to fight himself any longer.

Y/N just abruptly picked up his empty glass and got her feet. She looked down at him.

And the open person he'd been talking to wasn't there anymore. Her face was blank.

"Yeah. Some people don't make it." Was all she said, before walking back inside.