so in love with you // sirius black

chapter 12

    It had been a couple of weeks since the dance, and I was alone in the dormitory, staring at the ceiling. Sirius was continuing to ignore me. I had talked with Marlene and Lily and they both told me to give him time. I have thought back to what he had said that night over and over again and every time it makes me angrier. He had said that it was for the best, but that's might just be the stupidest thing he has ever said. And Sirius has said a lot of stupid things. 

    Things with marauders had been rather awkward because, after our little argument at the dance, Sirius had been trying to put as much distance between him and I as possible. The only time he really talked to me was when he was forced to. We were potions partners and during that class, we only had short conversations- if you could even call them that. He even went as far as to turn his back on me when he didn't have to be helping me.

    Often overwhelmed by my crumbling relationship with Sirius, a pile of homework that I could hardly keep up with, and endless quidditch, I've found places in Hogwarts I could get time to myself. I quickly learned, after being discovered in some of my hiding places around the school by Peeves, that the quietest place to be, was at the top of the Astronomy Tower. I would head up there after everyone had gone to bed and just watch the stars. Sometimes I would bring one of my friends along, but tonight I was by myself.

    As I reached the top, a chilly breeze blew through the room, ruffling my hair as it went. I sat with my back against the wall, more than happy to sit in the silence.

    I had no idea how much time had passed, but it must have been a while. I was just planning what path I wanted to take back to the common room when I heard a sound behind me. Scared, I pulled out my wand and held it out in front of me.

    "Jesus Maude, it's just me," I heard a voice say. A tall figure slowly walked out of the shadows. I breathed a sigh of relief at the familiar face. Sirius shuffled on his feet, hands in pockets looking as if he had been deep in thought. I lowered my wand and tucked it away, How long had he been standing there? Sirius took a hesitant step forward and opened his mouth to speak.

    "You look cold." I looked at him, he was right, but out of anything he could have said or done, that was just not what I was expecting. I nodded and turned back to the window.

    "Here," he said, I turned back to see he had pulled his jumper off and was holding it out to me. I felt rather confused about his sudden willingness to talk to me, but I was so cold I couldn't refuse the offer. I grabbed it and pulled it on over my shirt. It smelled like him and was quite a bit too large for me. I immediately felt warmer.

    "So, is this some sort of peace offering?" I said quietly gesturing down at the sweater I was now wearing.

    "Um yeah- I mean, I don't know." It was strange to see Sirius stumbling over his words as it was something he rarely did.

    He stood just a few feet away from me and the air felt heavy. I tried to rationalize my thoughts, but it was almost impossible with him glancing at me every seconds. Finally my frustration won out and I spoked.

   "Sirius?"

   "Maude."

   "What are we doing?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer. The longer he took to answer, the farther my spirits dropped. 

   "Nothing, Maude, nothing." He whispered finally.

   "What the hell?" My voice came out twice as loud as his.

   He took a deep breath. "I cannot do this." He said.

  "Because you don't like me?" I was crying, I didn't care.

  "No. I- goddamnit." He groaned. 

  "Just tell me. And if you can't, then I should go and we can pretend this never happened." 

  "Don't leave yet." Another deep breath. He rolled his head back, and then looked back to me. Without breaking eye contact he started to speak again. "It is selfish how much I want to be with you. You are so good." He emphasized  every word and his gaze felt hot. 

    "Selfish?" I asked. My mind as though it had been flipped upside down, and I was surprised my heart hadn't fallen out of my chest.

    "Yes." He said forcefully. "My fucking family- I just, I don't need anyone near them, let alone you. You deserve someone who, who can-" His words were spilling and stumbling into the cold air. "You deserve someone who isn't me." He ground out.

   "You're wrong," I fought down a sob. "This is bullshit. Sirius you are a good person."

    "This is not happening." He gestured between us. "It's not smart. I'm sorry." His voice was resolute and left no room for another response.

    I felt my heart shatter as he left.

this is so short and so so dramatic. i'm sorry lmao. but i mean, what's a sirius fanfic without a  shitload of angst?

anyway, my friend  helped me write this chapter. she's also working on a story right now, i recommend checking it out! @ ejswrites_
xx anna