Queen of the Rogues

of grief and decisions

so many what ifs in my head,
so many emotions in my heart,
will they ever reach you?

M A D D I E ♛

My head was blank, but my heart was ripping into pieces.

Andrew... he did his best to protect everyone. He did what I was supposed to do. I promised him that I was going to protect him, if only I was in place he would still be here.

Chase and Owen were telling me things, but I didn't hear anything any more. I couldn't hear anything. All I could think of was the poor Andrew who had gone on too early.

He stayed by my side for at least two years and he had been a great help for me. Whenever I tried to shoulder everything, he was always to remind me that I didn't have to do everything because he was there to help.

But I wasn't there for him when he needed me most.

I failed him.

My first ever friend.

The pain was too much to bear. I couldn't breathe at first, I was getting dizzy from trying to contain all the emotions.

It was strange though. Everything in me was telling me to scream and cry, but no tears came out. I've seen many deaths, but this one hit me and I wasn't shedding a tear.

Isn't that too cruel?

Would Andrew have wanted me to cry for him? I'm not sure anymore.

My world that seemed to be full of happiness and brightness was now hit with reality. I've been too busy living the life of a pack wolf that I had forgotten who I was and where I belonged.

I had forgotten the promise that I've made to a group of people who trusted me with their lives, but I failed them. I failed him. I failed myself.

"I need to go." I whispered and started walking in front of me.

I was devastated, but I knew that I couldn't just leave that be. I had to retaliate. I had a strong feeling that this was Finn's doing and I can't just let Andrew's death be in vain. I need to avenge him.

"Maddie, calm down. All the rogues are taking refuge in the pack, the wounded are getting treated." Chase explained the situation.

That made me feel more relieved, at least everyone was safe.

But still, I needed to go.

I turned to Chase who was beside me. I could see that he was as devastated as I was. I haven't told him anything, but I can already see him pleading with me not to do anything drastic.

He tried holding me, but I quickly moved away.

No, I can't be swayed by Chase.

"Chase, I'm sorry. I need to go." I said drily, almost out of myself.

The colour of his face was going out and he was trying to approach me again. "Maddie, we can leave right now. I'll go with you. I'm right here." he comforted me.

But he didn't understand.

He didn't understand that he was the reason why I let myself have the leisure to think that everything would turn out well.

In his small, lovely and gentle way, he made his way in my heart and made me feel things I never thought possible. He introduced me to a whole new life and there was not a moment that he didn't make me feel cherished.

Chase was like the light at the end of a very long night, he was helping hand just when you think that you're drowning.

I was extremely grateful to have met someone like him and have someone like him in my life. If things were a little bit different, I'm sure we could have lived a happier life.

If he had a different mate, I'm sure that he would have been happier.

Chase was my demise. I was aware of it, but I ignored it because I thought that bringing my walls down a little bit wouldn't cause too much trouble. But I've been too careless and now all of this happened.

This is all my fault.

I started walking away from him, putting distance between me and him.

"Maddie, please." he pleads, frustrated and anguished.

The pain in his voice disheartened me even more.

"Chase, I'm sorry. This is all my fault." I say and walked away further, making my way to the exit of the pack.

I would say goodbye to my parents, to my family, but there were more pressing matters.

I thought I've gone far enough, but then I was stopped when an arm grabbed me and I knew that it was Chase.

He was trying to stop me from doing my duties again.

I turned to him and was broken when I could notice that tears were almost falling. That pained me even more deeply.

I truly do not deserve Chase.

"It's unfair for me Maddie. You can't just leave me, like this. I can help, I can help you!" he says, his voice gradually turning into desperation.

I turned back to him. Although I knew I shouldn't, I held my hand out to him and cupped his cheek.

I looked at him in the eyes and put my forehead against him.

"I have to do this, Chase. On my own. I-- I failed Andrew, I have to avenge him Chase." I tried explaining.

"What if something happens to you? I'm not letting you go alone." he says stubbornly.

I shook my head and shushed him gently.

"You don't understand, Chase. This is the life of a rogue. If I don't do this for him, he will never get the justice he deserves. He deserved better and if only I was there this wouldn't have happened--"

"What about me Maddie? What about us? Don't you think we deserve better too?"

I thought for an answer for a while.

"You're right. You deserved better, Chase. I'm sorry it had to be me." I whisper to him. "But I have to go now. If I don't make it back--"

"Let me go with you." he argues.

"If I don't make it back, I just want to let you know that I loved you. You will always have a part of me." I confess and kissed him.

He must've been shocked and wasn't able to move, but I let go briefly.

For a moment, I put a barrier between him and me that wouldn't let him move from the perimeters of barrier that I've created for a certain time so that he wouldn't be ale to follow me.

"Maddie, don't do this!" he screamed when he noticed the barrier that I casted.

"I'm so sorry Chase." I repeated.

"If you do this, I won't forgive you." he said as if threatening me and it wounded me deeply to hear him say that.

It would be better that way.

Each step I took away from him was heavy, but I forced myself to leave.

And so I ran.

I ran as fast as I could, I saw the barrier of Caelum and it wasn't hard for me to break into it and leave the pack territory.

And I ran.

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a/n: i'm so sorry for leaving y'all in a cliffhanger but I prob won't be able to update for a while because it's exams time.

in the meantime, I'd like to know your thoughts and predictions of what will happen next😌

until next time everyone!
-skyy💕

(why did the font change, what do i do omg)