Uplifted by you

07

Now

"My whole life was thrown off a cliff. I didn't know how I could take so much. I lived in fear of the attack happening again and I was eaten up with the guilt of my mother's death" I struggled to continue.

"It felt as if my life was over watching my mom died that night. I despised myself more...I mean I hated myself before, hated my body...for being beautiful" I let out an agonizing laugh.

"Why, it was never your fault?"

"He would always say that word to me each time he was with me. So I hated myself for looking beautiful, thinking if I had been an ugly child he wouldn't have looked at me the way he did, he wouldn't have done what he did to me and then...there wouldn't be anything to tell and my mom wouldn't have died that night" I felt pain like a burning coal surging through me as I retold what happened.

"Don't you think you have it all wrong Dora, there's no justifying what he did to you. He killed your mother, you didn't" Natalie clarified disagreeing totally with me.

No I am not justifying what he did to me!

I wanted to scream.

I knew nothing justified what he did to me but I couldn't help but think....

"I know, he didn't have any right to do that to me. I wanted to believe that more than anything then, I just couldn't, It's just... it's just hard not to see it that way. If I was some ugly child he wouldn't or if there was something I did differently..." I brought my head down.

"What makes you so sure he would have stayed away despite the way you look or did something differently? Would you rather say it was your looks and not the fact that he wanted to exercise his power over you and fulfil his selfish desires?"

I sighed heavily and shook my head.

"It's just..." I paused "but if there's something I'm so sure of was the fact that I had a choice to protect my family, I can't help but think my mom would still be alive today if I had endured and kept quiet. Maybe he would have eventually grew tired of me and left me alone"

"That wasn't a choice Dora, you were threatened into silence. Were you sure he would have let go eventually? Okay let's assume he did leave you after some time, what gave you the assurance he wouldn't move on to another innocent girl if you had refused to expose him, remember what you told me about the night when everything came out in the open, about your sister?"

I nodded, of course I remembered and it was awful. I didn't know what would have happened if his wife didn't show up that time. What if I wasn't able to save Dina?

"Or do you have an idea if he had probably done the same thing to another girl, a few girls even, before you and were not able to tell? But you were brave enough to tell, to end it" She tucked away a strand of hair that fell off her face behind her ear.

What she said brought to my memory the girl Mrs Martin talked about that night, Ella. Yes Emmanuella. I later got to know, she had been in my shoes while she worked as a maid at their house. The truth came out but Mrs Martin chose to believe her husband's lies instead and she was asked to leave their house. I guessed that was what prompted her to stand by me this time and believed everything I told her or it was just in her nature to stand for what was just when she finally accepted the truth about her husband.

I never heard much of Mrs Martin though after that incidence, there was a time she came to see me after I was discharged but my parents didn't let her in. I heard she moved away with her children.

"Besides don't you think there's no ruling out the possibility that your parents could have eventually found out what was going on without you telling them and he would have gone ahead and did what he did still?" She looked at me expecting some sort of answer but I didn't say anything. What was I supposed to say to that.