Uplifted by you

08

Now

While growing up, the thought of writing a book, becoming a writer never crossed my mind but here I was, sat in my home, in front of my laptop writing one of the chapters of my fourth novel. I couldn't seem to focus not because I hated writing, infact I have grown to love it over the years. There were just times you lack the inspiration you seek, ugly moments you fill completely blank and it was just better not to force anything. At least that was what I normally do.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes for few minutes hoping that would miraculously make the headache I had disappear.

I found myself walking down the memory lane, remembering how I had always wanted to become a Medical Doctor- a Surgeon precisely, right from when I was old enough to actually state the career path I wanted to follow and that never changed until... well until circumstances led me to.

I sighed, rubbed my hand over my face and laid my head on the edge of the couch.

I was seven when I got terribly sick and we had to be at the hospital for a while. There was just this terrible stomach pain I had that wouldn't go away. I was diagnosed with

I was fascinated by the Doctor, how he treated me, the things he did to save me from the pain. That was when I decided I wanted to become a Doctor, I wanted to help humanity, help relieve people of their pain and have them return to their homes with smiles on their faces. When the common question was asked about what I wanted to become in future, I always gave out the same profession.

Infact, I became obsessed with it. I would tell my mom to get me books related to science or medicine. To prepare me ahead of time I would say, I recalled her laughing it off and told me "Slow down young lady."

That didn't stop me from requesting though, asking questions about medicine and I begged for a medical dictionary at least. I was a pain in their necks until I got one. I knew that.

God I miss her so much

I moved my hands absentmindedly on my laptop keys.

I was ten when I started having doubts about my choice of career before I even began to follow the path. I stumbled upon an article that particular day and got to find out how being a Doctor could be time consuming, Doctors spent quite a lot of time at the hospital caring for people than being at home.

As much as I wanted and loved to help people, I didn't like the sound of that at all. As young as I was, I fantasized having a family of my own when I grow up. So it was hard pursuing that dream when I didn't want to end up like my parents who spent majority of their time outside of home. They were there but were never really present in our lives. I wanted to be there for my family, to be available for my children. I wasn't that enthusiastic about it anymore but the thoughts still lingered on my mind.

What did it for me were the weeks after my mom died that terrible night, I never wanted to see such a horrible thing again. I couldn't even get the image out of my head.

You probably would think, that should have given me the determination to push through it, prompt me to have the knowledge about saving lives. It was quite the opposite, I never wanted to be in that position ever again of watching someone die and being clueless, let alone be in the position of knowing and still ended up that way. I never wanted the life of another person to be in my hands again. I never wanted to be the reason that they will no longer be with their loved ones if something were to go wrong or if I couldn't make the right decision and so I questioned if I would ever make a good Surgeon. Right there and then, I finally and firmly decided against it. And then it became harder when I couldn't decide what I wanted out of life anymore. I had no hope for anything anymore.