Faking it.

CHAPTER 18

"Hey guys I'm sorry for making such a scene at lunch today. I know you didn't think your first day would be like this." I apologise while Milli, Simon and I are walking to Simon's car.

"Are you joking? This was more entertaining than my last three years of High School." Milli says and Simon nods. "So, you're not mad at me?" I ask and they shake their heads. "Of course not. But, hey.. Are you okay?" Simon asks and I sigh. "Yeah." "You know, your little outburst reminded me a lot of when we first met. You used to do that all the time." Milli says and I shrug. "I think you should apologise to Elliot. You know, make things right. He seemed really bothered when you said that to him." Milli continues and Simon adds, "I agree. I do feel like he could be a great friend for you. Obviously not better than Milli and I but you know what I mean. You don't really have any real friends at school- no offense- and we could use another guy in our friend group- again, no offense."

"None taken." Milli and I say at the same time.

"I'll think about it, okay?" I tell them and they nod.

When I get home my mind is elsewhere overthinking. I don't even notice Abby making her way downstairs until she bumps her shoulder into mine. "What was that for?" I ask, my voice unusually calm.

"For standing in my way." She snaps and I roll my eyes almost making a snarky comment about her being too big to just go around me. Not even I go as low as judging someone -women especially- about the way they look.

But Abby, of course, doesn't have the same morals that I do and she says, "Have you even looked at yourself at all? You look like pure garbage."

"Classic Abby." I respond and go up to my room, locking the door.

In there I look at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a simple outfit, jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing too special. When I turn to the side, I see that my stomach looks extremely bloated and realize how tight the belt that I'm wearing actually is. I look my body up and down. I've always been a little bit bigger and curvier than most girls in my grade, but it never really mattered to me. I never even wanted to be all skin and bones.

I think of Milli. She is truly beautiful. On the inside and outside. Her long legs, and tan skin matched with a killer smile and gorgeous eyes is just- wow. And then her personality. She's the kindest girl I know and always knows how to cheer someone up. Or how she brings that adrenaline and thrill into your life by her great ideas of adventures.

Unlike Milli, my skin is pale, and it takes a lot of time and dedication from myself to get an actual tan. Then my bigger body and shorter legs. I walk closer to the mirror to get a good look at my face. My hair is it's usual straight, light brown with a few natural highlights. I've cut it a few months ago, from waist-length to shoulder-length. I needed something new and I really like how it looks at the moment. Then I look at my eyes. They're a bright blue with a dark blue circle around it. I think that's my favourite part of my body. They remind me of the ocean and the fact that it's so deep, but we only see the surface- kind of like everybody else I know. They also remind me of summer- and my birthday which is on July 26th.

I look down at my cheeks and see the faintest freckles covering them and my nose. They'll get more visible once I go out into the sun. My cheeks are slightly red. It looks like I'm blushing but I'm not. They're always like that. When I was a baby they were even redder and chubbier. Relatives and almost every person who simply saw me wanted- no did pinch my cheeks. I hated it.

If you look at Abby, Joey and me now, you wouldn't think that we're actually siblings. We all had Mom's bright blue eyes, but Joey and Abby had Dad's blond hair and almost every other feature- including his tan skin.

I smile at the memories. Everything was so simple back then. Mom and Dad always cared about me and my siblings equally. Abby wasn't such a bitch and Joey was still here in this house with me.

Shaking my head, I sit down on my desk chair and start doing my homework-it isn't that much, but it seems to take an eternity to finish, as my mind is always getting distracted.

Mostly I was asking myself why dad stopped loving me and caring for me. I never dared to ask because I am kind of afraid what his answer would be. What went wrong that could've made him act the way he does? I always did everything I could to make him see me. See that I am actually here. His daughter. Exactly. I am his daughter. I shouldn't need to do something to make him realize that he has me and needs to care about me and show me his love for god's sake. Is it too much to ask? A tear slips from my eye and I quickly wipe it away, looking for something to do when an idea pops into my head. I quickly change into sweats and a sports bra and go on YouTube.

Before I know it, it's 40 minutes later and I'm sweating way too much for my liking. Sipping on my water I walk to my window and open it, enjoying the cool air on my skin. I look around and see that the sun has already set, and the streetlamps are turned on. My breathing calms down and I feel amazing. Almost as good as when I finish dance practise- it gives you the feeling of accomplishment and you know that you are one step closer to your dream.

When I get into the shower, the cold water is welcoming and I massage my muscles, relaxing a little bit. The scent of mint mixed with something else is in the air and I breath it in. I hear a door shut and decide to finally get out of the shower.

I open the door, drying my hair with a towel when I am greeted by dad. He looks perplexed and doesn't really look me in the eyes, instead I see something else flicker in his. I open my mouth to say something, but he is already gone to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Hard. My lip quivers and I bit down on it to stop myself from crying. I basically run to my room and see mum at the end of the stairs, giving me a sad look.

My door is locked behind me, but I don't cry, trying to hold it in, in case Mom knocks and wants to come in. But she never does. And I guess never will.

With a sigh I put my headphones in my ear and play the song that I've been dancing to these past few weeks. The movements go naturally with the melody now and I close my eyes, imagining myself on stage. When I finish, I think I hear a faint clapping and quickly look towards the door, but there is no one. Why would there even be someone? It's not like my family actually supports my passion for dancing.

I look at the clock and see it's almost 11 p.m., but I am not even close to tired. Guess the milk will have to do again.

I take my phone into my hands and walk downstairs and into the kitchen. The lights are still on but no one is up. Maybe Abby forgot to turn them off. While the milk is heating up on the stove, I scroll through Netflix, trying to see if maybe I'll find something to keep me occupied until I fall asleep. When I take a glance at me milk, I see that it's about to boil over and I quickly turn to stove off. Great. Now it's too hot.

Still, it put it in a mug and lie down on the couch, curling up in the blankets and putting the hot milk on the coffee table. I'll just stay here until I finish my milk, I tell myself and start watching something on YouTube. Within a few minutes, my eyes are closing, and my phone has fallen onto the carpet, in front of the couch, the milk still untouched and hot.