Faking it.

CHAPTER 30

Why? Why? Why?

Why did you have to kiss him? Why did you for once not overthink something? Why did you go for it? Why couldn't you just leave it be?

All these questions repeated themselves in my head on my way home. I can't fight it and to be honest I don't want it to stop anymore. It's taking over my entire mind and the only thing I feel right now is confusion. Why in the world did I kiss him? Why did I have to destroy everything we had. He was one of the few people that I could actually trust with anything and everything and now it is my fault that he's gone. Again.

The first time that I pushed him away I always wondered if he would talk to me again, but this time it's different. This time I know that we can never go back to how we used to be. Even if we still talk, and still call ourselves 'friends', we won't be able to get as close as we used to. All because I and my stupid feelings ruined it.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I have been so consumed with overthinking that I didn't even notice me already passing my house. I groan as I turn around and walk the way back again until I reach the familiar front door.

All the lights are out and I couldn't be more annoyed with no one being home than now. For once in my life I wish that Abby was here and made some rude comments about how I look and what a horrible sister I am. At least it would take my mind off of what happened earlier.

I close the door behind me and notice that everything is still clean from in the morning when I obviously cleaned it.

I shut my eyes and breath out slowly.

Okay calm down. Think of it as something positive. For once you can relax and don't need to do anything except schoolwork and dance. Just finish math and then get to dancing.

I tell myself and open my eyes slowly. Then I go up to my room and start to revise math which surprisingly doesn't take as long as I thought it would.

Well, of course, if you studied with Elliot before- NO. NO. NO. Different thoughts. Different thoughts. Different thoughts.

I quickly switch my jeans for nike leggings and go downstairs to use the free space to practise my dance routines for the competition this weekend.

The one with the entire dance group is pretty simple and I don't think that we will actually win the first place for it. Maybe third. Second at best.

The one with Milli and Simon is pretty darn amazing, and I just love the music we choose to dance with. It is another remix by Joey's friend, who I need to admit is extremely talented when it comes to making remixes and all that other stuff.

When I start to practise my own solo I shut my mind off like I do every time. Everything I'm feeling- which most of I don't even know nor do I understand it- I'm putting it into sound of the music and letting my body flow.

What I don't expect is to hear someone clapping when I finish. I quickly turn towards the front door where the sound came from and see mom standing there.

"That was quite impressive, Hailey." She says and nods her head.

I look down at the ground and mutter a quiet thank you. After she passes me with a little pat on the shoulder, I sprint upstairs and shut the door behind me.

What the hell was that? Since when does mom like my dancing? And since when does she tell me that I am good at it? And why wasn't she with dad how she should have been?

All those questions are like the ones from before. I simply can't answer them and this makes me even more anxious than I usually am.

I lay down in my bed and pull the covers over me. The only light burning comes from my little lamp on the bedside table, but I quickly shut it off when I just scroll through my phone. It is not even 7 p.m. but I can't think of anything better than sleep. On the other hand I know that if I go to sleep now, I will be wide awake at 4 a.m.

Urgh.

As if on cue someone knocks on my door and I turn to see mom again. I don't know if she couldn't see my 'go away' expression or if she just simply ignored it, but she turns on the light and sits down at the foot of my bed.

"How is school going?", she asks me and I nod. "Good." "How are finals going? Shouldn't you be already finished with them by now?", she continues and I sigh. "I have my last one tomorrow." "Which subject?" "Maths." "Oh." This time it is her who sighs. "Why are you asking?" I sit up on my bed and curiously look at her. Her behaviour is strange. "Oh no it's nothing." She answers but I don't buy it one bit. "Mom." I push and she looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "It's nothing you have to worry about for now." With that she doesn't give me a chance to ask further questions and stands up to leave my room again.

"For now?" I ask out loud and hear her talking to someone, but I can't make out what she's saying, and I don't feel like getting up to eavesdrop.

Somehow I manage to push all my thoughts away for the rest of the night and just focus on getting caught up with pretty little liars.