Taga Long

Debt

Caleb was sitting on the far end of my bed with his eyes on the floor. He'd just gotten here after practice, and neither one of us knew how to approach the conversation we desperatly needed to have.

I had my legs crossed on the bed, facing away from him. It was still hard to look at him. Every time I did, there was a tight pull on my heart, like stitches being messed with.

"Look," he finally started quietly. "Tab, what I said...it was selfish and uncalled for, and I'm sorry. But you have to understand that...I was shocked and, I was afraid. It was the first thought that came to mind, and I, I said it." He still wasn't looking at me.

I chewed on my bottom lip. "And you don't think I was?"

"No, Tab, I know, I just-"

"No Caleb, you don't know okay. So don't say that you do. You didn't get pregnant by your best friend. You're not the one who has to live with the fact that you were that "other girl". And you certainly as hell is not the one who lost a baby!" My voice squeaked as I tried to keep my voice down.

His eyes had saddend as he finally looked at me. "I'm sorry Tabitha, okay? I wasn't thinking, and I hurt you, multiple times. I should have been there for you, but I chickend out. I'm here now though, I promise." He said quietly.

I shook my head with my eyes closed, a silent tear falling down the side of my cheek. "That's the thing Caleb. You can't be here, not fully. I'm not your girlfriend okay? And I never was. How can you be there for me if you can't even hug me for too long because things might be suspicious?!" My voice rose with each sentence.

He turned on his side to face me. "Honestly Tabitha, do you really think I care about what people think?! I could care less!"

I nodded furiously. "Right, uh-huh. That's easy for you to say. But what about me Caleb?! What about me?! What am I suppose to say to Josh, tell him that I slept with his best friend!"

"Screw everyone else Tabitha!" His hands came out in a sweeping motion. "This has nothing to do with them!"

"Are you serious right now?! I could lose Josh-"

"And you don't think I know that?! Geez Tabitha, I have almost nine months on the line!"

"Right, Caleb, just go on and make this abou YOU!"

"Damnit Tabitha, would you stop! This is about both of us! Can't you see?! I was the idiot who cheated on my girlfriend! I was the ass who got my best friend pregnant! I was the dick that hurt you! It was all me okay! Is that what you want to hear?! Is it?" His voice lessend in volume as he burried his hands in his face. "I lost a kid too Tabitha."

My hands shook and I could barely see through my tears. Is that how he felt, like it was entirely his fault?

I wiped at my eyes and sniffled. "Caleb," I didn't know whether I should comfort him, or just leave him be. I scooted closer to him catiously. "Caleb?" I whispered as I placed a comforting hand on his arm gently.

How could I call him selfish when here I was, guilty of the same thing? Caleb blamed himself, when in reality, it wasn't just him. He felt the pain, and probably worse than I did.

Very hesitantly, I rested my head on his shoulder. No matter how much I hated him at the moment, he was still, surprisingly, my best friend. And what both of us really needed right now, was each other. I understood his pain just as well as he understood mine, and no one else could say that.

We stayed in this position for half an hour almost before he turned and faced me. His eyes were exactly like mine, red and tired.

"Tabitha, can you forgive me?"

I took in a shaky breath and found my eyes on my comforter. "Caleb...it's not just your fault. I could have told you no, and I didn't."

He shook his head. "I know Tab, but, that's not why I'm asking you to forgive me." I could feel his eyes on me. The moment was so intense, I almost couldn't breath. "Tabitha, I'm apologizing to you because there is no other person on this planet, not even my own girlfriend, who means what you mean to me. I hate seeing you in pain, and it's killing me to know that I'm the cause of it. You don't know how many sleepless nights and how many god awful practices and games there was because of the knowledge of what I caused. I can't forgive myself until I at least know that you do."

My mind was reeling and my heart was aching with both joy and emmense hurt all at once.

I crawled into his lap, where I fit perfectly, and burried my face in his chest. He was my other half, and he meant the world to me. How I had thought that I could ever do without him was beyond me. I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that I was able to go without him for so long in the first place.

"I forgive you Caleb."

It was going to take a lot to get to where we use to be, and who knew if we would ever be able to get back to wear we use to be, but one thing was for sure, I needed Caleb, especially right now, so I was going to do whatever it took to get back to what we had been.

Against my better judgement and will, I fell asleep in his arms. It had been the first night that we slept in the same bed since the night after we slept togther. It wasn't the same thing though, tonight he was a comfort, like a fovorite pillow, or a warm cup of milk before bed. He was something I needed in order to sleep well, and I did.

When I woke up, he was still there, snoring lightly with one arm covering his face, and the other around me. There was a part of me that still felt a little guilty. Should we really be sleeping in the same bed knowing the circumstances between each other? And know that I knew for sure that Josh and I was together, it confirmed my guilt. But I told myself it was just like before, two best friends having a sleep over.

I looked over at my nightstand in search for my clock. I still had another twenty minutes or so before my alarm clock went off. I climbed out of bed, being sure that I didn't wake him.

I quietly made my way towards the bathroom. I had a bubbing sensation of both fear and hope as I pulled the little blue box from beneath the cabinet.

Call me crazy, but I had this strange feeling in the pit of me. I was still feeling all of those signs from before. I wanted to ignore them, because I knew I had to be imagining things. It was impossible, I myself saw all the blood with my own eyes. Yet, the signs were there, all of them, no matter how hard I tried to ignore them.

I waited patiently for the results to come back. It had been a little over a week since that early morning at the hospital. None of the doctors had said that something like this could be possible, instead they had suggested that I go under a surgery to get it removed, but something insideme wouldn't let me say yes. I didn't understand exactly why I wanted to wait, the baby was gone for sure right?

I held my breath, preparing my self for either one, or two words. I kept telling myself I was imaging it, that it was wishful thinking, that I should just listen to the docotors and get on with my teenage life. It was for the better.

I looked down at the test, and against my disbeliefe, I saw those letters, that one word clear as day. I let out a shaky breath, not sureif I should cry, or be happy, because I had clear comformation that I hadn't been imagining things. No wonder I couldn't stand to eat anything. No wonder I still rubbed my stomach in a maternal way. No wonder I still had prominent mood swings.

I was still pregnant.