Out Of Control

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Trigger Warning: panic attacks, self harm

Gerard's pov:

I awoke from my light sleep, yawning from my lack of slumber, my night was plagued with the near constant twitching and tensing of my muscles which were now sore and achey.

"Captain bitch tits." I ticced in my cursed voice. I sighed and swung my feet out of bed, padded over to my closet and started rifling through my few clothes all while my neck was being thrown to the side.

After locating my clothes and adorning my Black flag shirt, black jeans and my white converse, brushing my teeth and doing all bathroom necessities I trudged downstairs, the twitch in my neck still ever present, to retrieve some well needed coffee.

I operated the machine and sat down at one of the chairs in the dining room that was connected to my kitchen. I eyed the flowers that adorned the dark wooden table as I worked on calming the twitch that had now progressed from neck twitches to squeaking and rolling my eyes as well.

My tics had not ceased however as Mikey arrived in the entrance to the kitchen, he scooped up my now empty coffee mug and placed it in the sink before hoisting his black backpack onto his right shoulder.

"You ready to go?" He asked.

I went to respond but my tics did the job for me and replied with a well timed insult.

"You okay to go, I can call you in sick and we can stay home." Mikey offered, concern lacing his normally expressionless features.

"No I'm okay" I lied as I aptly slapped myself in the face. I wasn't some six year that need to be looked after by his brother.

"If your sure" Mikey replied, sounding unconvinced.

And with that over, we headed off to the hell dimension that is school.

As we went to cross the large road that was nearly opposite our school, badly planned if you ask me, I felt the familiar tightening sensation begin to take hold on my legs. "No not today, I can suppress it" I thought to myself as we stepped into the road, determined to suppress it this time I began to cross.

About one metre away from the opposite sidewalk, the dizzy sensation of trying to suppress such a large tic began to take hold and my vision started blurring, my legs were pained with the overwhelming pressure, my legs seized sharply of their own accord and before I knew it I was on the ground, legs still tense.

My vision was blurred and my head swam with the after affects if trying to suppress such a large tic, disoriented I vaguely feel the sensation of gangly arms clinging around my waist and hauling me to the side. My vision begins to clear the same time as a eight wheeler truck goes barreling past my spot on the sidewalk.

"Gee, oh my god are you okay?!" Mikey asks frantically as he brushes the hair out of my face.

"'m fine Mikes" I slur as I try to bat away his hands.

"No we need to go home" he says adamantly.

"No, I promise I'm fine" I assure him as he helps me to my feet. It was a total fucking lie but what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

"You can't go to school" Mikey replies determinedly.

"I can, I'm fine. I promise there are no trucks in school." I respond as I make an attempt to hide my ever present neck twitch.

"Jesus fuck I hate you" Mikey sigh as we head in the direction of school.

My brother and I separated upon entering the grey building and I headed towards my history class.

I finally reached the correct classroom after shouting many slurs at multiple student, most of whom looked at me weirdly, started whispering to their friends, or both.

I slunk over to my seat in the back past the many prying, my neck twitch, eye rolls and squeaks still ever present as I tried to make myself as invisible as possible.

"Ah, good morning, Mr Way" my teacher, Mr Jones, greeted.

"Fuck you, bitch" I ticced, I immediately shrunk back in my hair.

"I thought you could suppress those?" Mr Jones sighed angrily.

I didn't respond and just opened my textbook, struggling to find the correct page what with my head constantly being jerked to the side and my eyes repeatedly rolling back.

About fifteen minutes into the hour long lesson, my tics in full swing I yell "fuck the system!" At the top of my lungs.

"Mr Way, I think you should head out until you learn to control yourself" Mr Jones instructs me.

I pack my textbook back into my bag, shrug it over my shoulder and begin to walk out the classroom.

As I near the entrance I feel the familiar feeling arise in my throat again "fuck me daddy" I half moan, everybody in the room starts laughing at me including Mr Jones as I feel the heat rise to my cheeks and tears begin the prick my eyes.

I rush to the nearest bathroom and head into the nearest stall and chuck my bag down on the floor, I sit down on the closed toilet seat and begin to hyperventilate as tears start to run down my pink face.

I try to regulate my breathing but to no avail, suddenly the uncomfortable feeling arises in a different spot in my neck and without warning I throw my head forcefully directly back and it hits the tiled wall with a large thud.

My tears are flowing freely as I grasp the back of my head, a painful ache resonates from the back of my skull.

Salty tears stream down my face, my neck keeps jerking, my eyes keep rolling back into my head and my scalp is throbbing, my breathing won't regulate itself and the overwhelming sound of my own blood ruches through my ears. The sounds and senses are all so intense that it only fuels my panic, I feel trapped in my own head. In my dazed state of longing for it all to stop I begin hitting my head violently on the wall beside me in an attempt to knock myself out.

My vision becomes blurry and I become increasingly dizzy at the constant impact so much so I don't notice the door that I thought I had locked swinging open. I vaguely register two hands coming to grip the sides of my head, not forcefully, just enough to stop me from enduring anymore self inflicted damage.

"Gee" I hear a gentle voice say.

"Gee it's okay, just focus on my breathing, you're okay." The voice says as someone leads me out of the bathroom stall to sit on the floor against the wall.

"It's okay, Gee. Do you want me to get your brother?" The voice who I suddenly realise is Frank asks. I shake my head, my hair swishing in my face, Mikey will be so upset if he sees me.

"Are you sure?" Frank asks, I shake my head again in confirmation.

Frank strokes his hand through my dyed black hair as he waits for me to calm down fully. I wipe the tears out of my eyes and Frank retires his hand to his side and moves to sit next to me.

I lean my hand on Frank's head softly, tensing the muscles in my neck slightly to try and ease some of the tension.

"What happened?" He questions gently.

"I was in class" I say through shaky breaths, "and I was ticcing really badly" I continue, my voice weak, "and I cussed a bunch so I was sent out but I told everyone to fuck me as I was leaving and they all started laughing and- and it was so embarrassing and they were laughing at me- I didn't know what to do-" I say as I start to hyperventilate and years began to fill my eyes.

"No, Gee, it's okay, you're safe now. I'm here it's okay your safe" he reassures me as he resumes stroking my hair.

I lean into his touch and hastily wrap my arms around his torso, he hesitantly hugs me back, one hand still in my hair, stroking it softly.

We sit there as I cry into his shoulder.

An: well this was fun wasn't it?

How are y'all, my lil duckiez?