I'm Dying

11.

Suman searched and searched and searched. It was nowhere. The cabinets, drawers, and lockers. Beneath the bed, among the vases even if she knew that it was always kept on the study table. It was locked and nobody ever asked her for it. Nobody ever stole it. It wasn't as if they were offering her privacy deliberately but they weren't just interested. What if they come to know something too dangerous for their happiness? secrets need to be secrets.

Her diary was missing.
And the key.
And the razor.

So, somebody not only stole her diary but also knew her secret. The secret that she cut herself. The scars which she hid so well that "somebody" has already traced.

When nobody ever in that house cared, what happened now?
Because there was someone who wasn't just a nobody.
And she knew, he would go to any lengths when it came to her.
She felt sick in her stomach.
Shravan!

-----------

Shravan has had his meeting with Gujral. It was not an elaborate one, but Gujral was serious after reading a few pages. The new ones rather.

'There is a constant progression in her behaviour. Before cutting herself, she had rubbed herself to bruises. She found herself happy with her induced pain.' Gujral had explained to Shravan.

'Happy? But pain can be killed.......' Shravan squinted his eyes, but before he could question, Gujral continued.

' Physical pain can be killed by painkillers. A headache, stomachache- all of that. But when it comes to mental trauma and loneliness- it's incurable. So, Suman Tiwari, induced a physical pain of a different kind to drift away from her subconsciousness. She focussed her brain to think of the bruises and scars caused by the razor cuts, rather than...' Gujral flipped through the pages 'her past trauma.'

Shravan found himself nodding. There was no way he could cure Suman without her own presence in this scenario. 'Nothing I can do, to help her...?' Shravan pleaded.

'You can.' Gujral flashed a sad smile. 'Bring her to me. Come along.' 
----

Shravan pressed his lips together and splashed some water across his face. It won't take long enough for Suman to figure out that he had stolen her diary and known her secret. He looked at his face, depressed and dull. Suman's diary had a mountain influence on him. Her monster intensity of emotions and the triggers of her trauma were unbelievable. It was so, so silly sometimes. He had tried asking for any diagnosis, but Dr Gujral had been adamant to meet the patient.

BANG! BANG!

What he heard wasn't a knock. Somebody was ready to trash his door into pieces.

'Oh god, send me to a battle instead.' Shravan mumbled and gulped harder. Suman Tiwari stood outside in her wrath.

Shravan opened the door with swiftness, between two loud knocks. Suman stood, almost on the verge of an outburst. Good or bad nobody knew.

It's good to get hurt by somebody you love. Suman flashed a tight grin, trying miserably to hide her fears and hurt. 'Can I come in?' She asked, quietly closing the door at her back even if she knew that nobody was at home but her and Shravan.

Shravan nodded his head.

'Where's my diary?' Suman kept her palms on her hips, trying to be extremely nonchalant. She fidgeted at her place, trying to see things through a butter paper.

Shravan looked at her but anything. His mind raced to tell her a few things, to make her realise that they were in this together. 

'I asked!' Suman went to his cupboard and grabbed the handle 'Where is my DIARY!!' She pulled open the cupboard door. Things came rolling down, but not something she was looking for. 'Where's my diary!' she hummed like a rhyme bending down to pick up the fallen things. Her hands shivered and Shravan could see it all, she was falling out of place. Shravan too bent down and picked a few things and then saw tears streaming down her cheeks. She was crying, hard and passionately.

'Suman...' Shravan wanted to say so much, but looking at her waned face the words died straight on his lips.

'Take anything. Give it back to me. You don't know..' She ran her palms on her nose and then on her mouth. 'Listen.' she said trying to catch her racing heart.

'I....I...I am, I am!' Shravan stuttered at his place.

'I am in the army.' She waved her hands in the air. 'You understand that?' she was paranoid.

Shravan understood her trail of thoughts in seconds. He knew what she was thinking. 'No, No Suman! I am not going to do...'

'No, I am in the Army, and I need to be there. Papa! he is watching. Everyone is. I can't be thrown out.' Suman cried. She pulled her sleeve and pushed it down her running nose. She pressed her lips so hard that Shravan could see blood raise through them

'We, we are in this together. Suman, listen to me, I know your problem...' Shravan tried his best to calm her down.

'No, no, we were never in this together.' she clasped her forehead, which felt rolling in somersaults.

Shravan held a sob in his own throat. Her words were like daggers. He knew, that he left her alone. For the first time he could feel his skin expose his fears, it burned. He had done something he hadn't imagined in dreams, for which he could have cut his right arm. He had deserted Suman!

'You don't understand. I need to be here, fighting against you. I need to make it for Papa. And, don't take me wrong, I will ruin you. Nobody, nobody I have loved is here. They all are gone.' Suman explained as shivers ran down her spine. 'Give me my Diary.' she again, stated her plea.

'Love' Shravan cupped her face. Now, he won't hold back. 

'I am not your love.' Suman shook her head in negative. 'That's not how it is supposed to be.' she let out a small sob, in her meekest voice.

'I am not going to tell anybody. You will be Captain Suman Tiwari and then major, colonel and brigadier, for god's sake! You need to be there, or how will I survive?' Shravan felt his eyes well up. He looked at her apple face, reddened and rashed with the motions of crying.

Suman looked into his eyes. He looked so innocent and gullible. It made her feel stabbed. What the hell was she doing? She could say once and he might kiss her, embrace her and take her along. But not her dirtiness, not her filthy self- she won't let him do that. 'You don't understand.' Suman said, acting firmly.

'I do.' Shravan tightened his grip over her face, trying his best not to hurt her. 'I have loved you. And I still love you! I don't know what to do with anything but you. You know how it is like to think of yourself and find a certain someone standing with you in that frame always. That certain someone was you, it is you!' Shravan let his tears fall freely.'I couldn't imagine being without you. I have realised this and now it won't change. you can slap me, throw me out but now I know to come back always.'

Come back to me, how much ever I push you back. Because you know how silly it gets to be with me, sometimes? Suman had asked for a promise.
Set done and sealed! Shravan had lightly punched her in the shoulder.

Suman looked at his dull face, coupled with tears. She moved her fingers across the traces of his tear-stricken face. It felt nice to feel his face, his skin under her touch. 

'You don't have to go alone.' Shravan shook his head. 

'I am not alone. I am ghosted Shravan.' Suman gave a horrid smile. 'You don't need to burden yourself.' Suman again smiled. But Shravan's gut felt a twist- it wasn't good. 'I'll take back the case.' Suman nodded. She was hysterical, she was mad. Yes, she was. 'You'll be free.' she laughed.

'I am not leaving you alone. I know what you think of doing to yourself.' Shravan raised his voice for the first time.

Something snapped inside Suman. 'Give me my diary.' she returned to her hum. She looked in all directions, but his face, even if her face was cupped in his.

Shravan felt his gooseflesh raise. This wasn't the Suman he knew. She was so, so different. What made her Suman was gone! No glee in the eyes, no sparkles and no swiftness. Nothing to enjoy life on. What the hell!

'Listen.' he said, his voice becoming rocks in the base of his stomach. 'I won't let you harm yourself, before that you will need to kill me.' 

Suman felt her eyes go nuts. How did he know?
But then, how could he not? He had the diary. 'You read it all.' Suman felt her inners churn. Her eyes stared at the floor.

'I did. And now we need a solution.' Shravan went about his plan. 'But before that, I need you to know I love you.' Shravan whispered, for her to listen and contemplate.

For the first time, it felt, that she has heard something. Heard something worth million dollars. Or priceless. She looked up at his tear stricken face. He was shivering too, and they matched. 'I want to help!' he pleaded and she couldn't help but relax for the first time.

'I want you to help. I want you to take me back, to the time, when we were happy.' Suman gave out a cry. This time, she smiled and Shravan felt the most wonderful feeling running down his veins.

'I will! I will!' Shravan crushed her in a hug. She felt Shravan's heartbeat like crazy under her ear. It felt so nice to hear somebody else's heart race for you. It felt special.

'Special.' she whispered and Shravan couldn't help but smile.

Now, it all made sense. Without any irony.
----How was that?----