I'm Dying

12.

'It's your choice.' Gujral raised his hands with a slight grin.

'You want me to stay?' Shravan asked Suman as they both sat in the chairs of Dr. Gujral's cabin. Suman looked at him, perplexed. 'I, I don't know.' She didn't have any clue what it would be like to talk about all those things in front of Shravan. Like he already knew a hell lot of things, about the diary and the razor and the cutting the slack- all that part but it would be so different when she would talk- like really talk about her fears. It won't be easy.

'Then I will see you soon.' Shravan very well knew that being along with Suman doesn't really mean to stick with her. It's about saving her fall, and not about getting her wings. She needed to fight her own devils.

As Shravan left, Suman's gaze followed him till the door opened and closed in his absence.
'Clever man.' Gujral remarked obviously.
'He is.' Suman smiled a bit.
'Are you two, together?' Gujral pretended on looking in papers.
'Does it seem so?' Suman questioned him as he lifted his gaze.
'I don't see violins and roses Ms. Tiwari, but yes it feels so.' Gujral shook his head, thinking of cutting the conversation to a different topic. Seeing Suman nod and keep her quiet, he broke open to his first question.

'Look, Ms. Tiwari, I don't want to delve into your professional choices or achievements. Things are going to get personal, but that would fall under patient-doctor confidentiality. I won't tell Shravan anything which you say here- in line. I would just tell him the conclusion of such sessions because he has bought you along. He wants to be here, and you seem comfortable with him. Am I clear?' Gujral explained.

'I understand.' Suman nodded. It felt like she was digging a pit in her stomach, or maybe plowing a graveyard of emotions.

'Okay, so first questions- How do you feel when Shravan isn't with you? I mean, when nobody is with you? When you are alone.' Gujral enquired.

'Okay.' Suman pressed her lips together. Give away your secrets, sweetie. It was her brain but the voice resembled her mother.

No. It can't be happening.

Pushing away her thoughts, Suman concentrated on the conference. 'I don't think that the questions are mutual. Shravan has just come into my recent life, like a month ago. And I have been lonely, for a very, very long time.'
Gujral noded for Suman to continue further.

'You see, I just don't feel like talking to many people, because....' Suman could feel her voice go hoarse 'because I know they won't cut my slack. They won't give a shit. So I stay away because nobody really gets what I want. They all pretend to. So, I prefer to be alone. That's easy.' Suman sucked back her tears. It was much more difficult than she had ever imagined- to talk about what you think. In a diary, she wrote- her pen talked and not her.

'Easy? Not happy?' Gujral scribbled something.

'I don't know.' Suman gulped harder.

'When do you feel, happy then?' Gujral looked in her eye.

Tell him. Suman could again hear her mother. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She can't hallucinate her mother right now, in her psychiatrist's cabin.

'Water? Can I get some?' Suman tried dodging away from the question. She tapped her knuckles and let herself keep her eyes closed.

Gujral scanned her. She was hiding, everything. But he had seen all of it. He sees it almost every day. The secluded, isolated, and I-do not-care behavior. He picked the landline 'Get me a glass of water.'

The best way to keep a particular conversation going was to change the topic.

'How about your sleeping hours?' Gujral swirled the pen.

'They have significantly reduced. For the past 6 months.' Suman stated. 'But the problem is, I doze off pretty readily. Like, I won't even know. How does that relate?' Suman questioned.

'Oh, that relates pretty much. Just like energy conservation, we have tiredness-conservation. You know, your body isn't going to wait for you to rest. It will get a chance, depress the functions and here you go. See, Ms. Tiwari.' Gujral's smile died a bit. 'This isn't insomnia. You know, I know, that we are having a bit of different psychic trouble. So, how often do you doze off?'