I'm Dying

15

Suman felt a bit uneasy as she sat in Gujral's chair.

'Doctor, what now?' Suman questioned eagerly, as she stirred in the chair. It was her fifth session, Bunty and Kanchan's wedding was at a swing. Shravan was finalizing the decor for the day and she was supposed to help him. But her restrictions to stay away from overworking herself, and sometimes her medications made her a bit too moody and touchy and whatnot, that she almost started hating herself with a new origin.

'I don't understand.' Gujral shook his head.
'I just don't know when it's going to end. If I am not triggered, or as you say, getting that period of the day where I hallucinate, I actually keep worrying about what will I do when it happens. It's always on my mind and in that process, I keep away. What if I hurt people in the whole process? Plus it's my sister's wedding preparations going on nowadays, I just don't know. I fear I will mess up anytime.' Suman clasped her forehead.

'Whoa! Ms. Tiwari, calm down.' Gujral gave her a grin and then proceeded to scribble in the prescription. 'I am giving you tranquilizers and anti-anxiety pills.' he gave her a look to which she nodded in affirmation. 'Not, the sedatives.' Gujral huffed. He gave her a silent look.

'I won't be able to sleep without......' Suman just let the sentence trailing. The nights always bought her trouble. It was just like, normal nights with nightmares, for the past 7 years, but with Shravan's presence, she wanted it to be different.

Too many expectations. She mumbled.

'Sorry?' Gujral heard a faint mumble.

'Nothing.' Suman answered almost instantly.

'So. I want you to fight back. You are a doctor yourself, the moment you feel leftover or too anxious to continue without these pills, without the sedatives, in particular, take them. The last thing I want you is to hallucinate. That can be only over with therapy and of course mental rest.' Gujral continued.

Suman let out a sigh. Her hallucinations had considerably reduced and now she felt much better. Shravan literally stood out of her washroom when she bathed, timed her schedule, and was all hovering around her to watch out if she cut herself.

Once, it got too embarrassing, with him guarding the bathroom door without her knowing it. She walked out, totally unaware of, only her innerwear on and nothing, and then it was a sight to behold. Shravan and his awkward, cute, and innocent cover-ups. 'I didn't see anything!' he screamed and ran away.

'How do you feel nowadays?' Gujral enquired.

'Happy. Light. Shravan has been practicing helicopter parenting with me. He is all over me.' Suman rolled her eyes. She was genuinely elated to see Shravan always around, sometimes bickering with the wedding planner, sometimes coming early from the cantonment with a bunch of chocolates and red roses, and sometimes, just sitting in the living room lounger, knocking over a newspaper and tea.

He was the drug to her cure. She knew it.

'All over you?' Gujral pressed on the words.

Suman heard his words and coughed. Okay, it was a fake cough. 'I don't understand.' she tried smiling.

'Oh, Ms. Tiwari!' Gujral raised his hands and dramatically closed the tip of his pen. 'I don't need to be a doctor, to prescribe you a cure to "that" problem.'

' "That" problem?' Suman played along. She was getting the air of the conversation.

'Okay. Cut it. As your attending psychiatrist, what about love?' Gujral questioned in hope.

Suman felt the question hit the base of her heart. It turned bitter there. Suddenly she felt a weird sense of unwanted gloominess like it shouldn't have happened. 'All gone.' she gave her head a sudden tilt and averted her eyes to the floor. It was teak-like.