I'm Dying

20.

Shravan sat frigidly in his car tucked into his seat. The seat belt chained over his stoned body making the least difference it can. He leaned forward and clutched the handle of the dashboard to press it open. He chose a file and slid it out indifferently, making other things join a fall towards the floor. It was a locket. He had completely forgotten about the gift. The gift he had chosen for their new beginning. The new beginning that looked like a spin-off from their past. It was her engagement gift. But the engagement was over in maintaining a pretense of happiness and normality. That day, when he saw Suman, instead of adoring her beauty, he was measuring her smile. He was tracing the lines of instant changeovers in her mood. He was keeping a log- what upset her and what didn't. It was like he was walking on a fault line, which could divide the earth into two anytime- without his knowledge. But when the evening of their engagement had fallen in the clutches of a dense night he found that nothing different had happened. Mostly, Gujral had misread the report, right? 
But how could things be so easy when happiness was already short-lived? 

Gazing at the stars, he had wanted to kiss her. Suman too looked like she was waiting for it to happen. It was the perfect thing for his fantasia. When their lips met everything looked like a wonder for a few moments until Suman's chest rasped heavily for a breath. Shravan, who had been carried away, took it all wrong. He thought that it was passion, but it wasn't. She was just having a hyper-mania kinda episode. The terminology was still raw in his heart but when he decided to punctuate the kiss- he knew it had gone wrong.  Suman was on a verge of tears, breathing fastly- clutching her chest like mad. He cooed her, and gave her water and then a head massage- but she was clearly anxious and uneasy. Her heart thumped under his hold and he could only pretend to be her savior when he knew he had done the exact opposite thing.

He opened up the prescription letter and pressed his thumb against the folded edges. They were sharp and made him feel a tinge under his skin. He then moved his fingers over Suman's name- trying to rub over it and by the end smudged it a bit. He stared and stared and stared. A heavy and uneventful full stop of their ineffable love story. 
 After what felt like hours he stepped outside his car and walked towards the entrance of their house. He had taken up a new residence in Bhopal- away from the Tiwari house. He had called up Kanchan to bring Suman their after the session, away from the place which had only sour things for her in-store. 
It will be a new beginning he thought.

The house was a treasure of epiphanies. The oval cuts of mahogany showpieces, the winter lily color of the loungers, and the flint color of the kitchen wall- it all had a smell of something new and fresh. The house was filled with a blend of both of their choices and Shravan couldn't help but imagine how Suman might have liked the house or if she has had the time to appreciate the beauty of it anyway. 

Even if she goes all ruckus and jittery- she still will be the most amazing and beautiful girl he had ever seen. It goes this way- that you don't just look at the person you love, you etch them in your heart. Carvings don't fade, they never vanish.

'Sumo! darling!' he slipped her name in the most delicate way possible as if trying to pour all his love in it. He always thought that he will do it better the next time, so much so that she never feels uprooted or alone.

Suman heard him already but waited and scrutinized herself in the mirror. With a deep breath, she opened the door and filtered herself out of the room. She had felt something different ever since the night of their engagement. Shravan brainstormed himself before touching her. His touch should always feel comforting right? But that wasn't really the case with her. Her skin sometimes felt too fluid and her gut too twisted to stand their proximity and on the other times- it was the most comforting and wonderful feeling to experience. All these things made her feel sordid and degrading.

--------

Shravan looked at her without a blink as she walked closer. She was wearing a maroon tank top, whose search had allegedly made her restless and disturbed. He avoided to compliment her as he usually did to not arouse any morbid fascinations in her mind. 

It was this simple. A trigger and then everything could turn upside down. 

'How is the house?' Shravan sat on one of the sofas nearby casually trying to pull over a conversation. 

'You don't want to hug me?' Suman asked, her voice totally mechanical. 

Shravan's head shot up. He gulped a bit and stood up. He crooked an uncomfortable smile, masking his hysterical emotions- the ones you give if you get caught stealing a cookie. 'Suman!' he came forward to lock his arms around her but once again her hands stopped him. 

'How did you check if I will like it or not? What did you read? My eyes?' Suman pressed her voice and watched if it quivered. 

Shravan's eyes were already a size larger. His tongue stuck in his throat- he shook his head wordlessly. 

Suman touched his face with one of her palms 'Shravan...' she called out softly. She looked over the files in his hands. 'Tell me whatever you know.' she calmly pointed out to his lies or to the efforts to hide the truth.

Shravan knew it was time. He couldn't escape it neither dodge it. He lethargically pulled out the files and pressed them in her hands. Suman saw her name etched over it and instantly found her knees weaken and her resolve dig into its own hollowness.

As she read the file, her lips moved in a murmur. Shravan watched with consternation, thinking if she was ebbing away from him even if within the small distance he could hear her rasp breathing. 

Suman's mind was raging with hopelessness. She sat down on a sofa and traced the file again and again until she had materialized the diagnosis in her hands. All the feverish efforts to come back to life were futile and profitless for her. It had all singled down to one thing- a lifelong disorder. She won't know that she was behaving on the extremes. Only her loved ones will know and bear. Shravan will know, and that ripped her apart every single time.

Shravan's touch, resuscitate her back to life. He smiled looking at her. No, he wasn't making it up. He genuinely made it look easy, even if it wasn't this time. 

So,
One....Last.....Try.

For whom?

Shravan.

And what if he fails?

Then I fail too.

Suman smiled at him back. She let him tell her that he loved her and will love her no matter what. It was like a religious ritual crediting her with peace, although this time she tried too hard to feel that sweetness. She let him embrace her and tell her that they are going to a movie. But it was too difficult to shake her head in positive and dust the heavy letters of her report in the back of her mind.

'Suman, I can't live without you.' Shravan murmured.

This time, you don't get to decide that.  Suman nodded her head sucking back her tears and feeling strong enough to contain her secrets.