I'm Dying

22.

The smell of butter and popcorn stung in Suman's olfactory senses as she got another reason to name her movie date sluggish. She thought of making the most of it, like holding Shravan's left arm when the screen emitted dialogues and color, sneaking glances at his chiseled jaw when he wasn't noticing, and just being there with him. The more she gazed at the small brown packet in her purse the more determined she became to do what she thought. Her inners were hollow. She didn't have anything to give to anybody. 


Suman saw a jeep appear at a distance. It was Shravan for sure. Straight from the cantonment. Even if the dusk blazed in valor he had his aviators on. Seeing him, Suman felt a lurch in her stomach. He stepped off the jeep and gave her a mild hug before chattering about how nice the movie shall be. Suman nodded and just gazed at his moving mouth and gleeful eyes, the first and the last thing which didn't look too mundane to her.

------

Shravan could not feel his left arm. It has been 2 hours since Suman was officially sleeping. He didn't prick her to get up, but then the titles were seemingly over and the sweepers were entering the hall. He looked at her closed eyes and felt her shallow and fast breathing hit warmer on his shirt. She smelled of vanilla and berries and so familiar and calm. He slightly rocked her as she stirred out of her nap. As she got up, he could see a strawberry-cloured mark on the side of her cheek which rested on his shoulder. It was redder and warm. His fingers traced the red color of her cheek as he smiled. Her eyeballs were a shade lighter of honey brown and seemingly remote and isolated. 

The look in her eyes didn't change and his smug smile curved down to a hint of worry. 'What?' he asked, now oblivious of a few workers who had decided to ignore the couple. For the better, they were sitting in the farthest corner of the hall giving them the opportunity to maintain privacy.

'I'll miss you, so much!' she blurted with tears streaming down her cheeks in seconds. She huffed and sobbed into her throat, tremulously trying to bury away her hiccups. It happened so fast that Shravan couldn't help but touch her for fever and wave his hands in the air. When sense came back to him, his eyes softened and body perished into sudden calmness. He slightly rubbed her hair and then drew circles on her back. 'I am not going anywhere.' he crushed her in a hug, trying to absorb her shock and erase her statement.

'I know. But I have to.'Suman said, making Shravan raise his brow. He pulled her away from his chest. 

'Meaning?' he questioned her with rasp attention and worry.

Suman closed and pressed her lips. She wiped a few tears as new ones made their way out. 'Shravan, promise me you won't tell anyone?' she said, trying to suppress a cry.

Shravan had a slight odor of the direction this topic was headed to. Still, without any more conditions, he nodded in positive.

'I want to stop it all.' Suman uttered unhindered.

Shravan closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. How can she even think of saying that? 
'Suman...' 

'I know. I know. You love me. I love you too, Shravan.' Suman gaped for air as Shravan looked at her helplessly. 'It's just that I am hurting and I can't do this anymore. I know you will think me to be this really selfish woman trying to mend her way, but no. I am just a coward and I need to get over with all of this.' Suman again cried. 

Shravan looked at her with hurt overwhelming his own eyes. The thing which killed him in and out was the fact that she was so invested in the thought of killing herself- that she couldn't stop talking about it. He had this eerie thought, which he purely condemned, that she might have weighed it heavier when it had come to their togetherness. That when she spoke about it, she really meant it. That she might have ways and ideas to execute it. 'You are not thinking about me, Suman.' Shravan couldn't gather the courage to add more words. He let his throat go sore and senses insane if it meant that he wouldn't have to think about the fact that Suman Tiwari was fine with their separation.

'Suman, if you don't love me...' Shravan shoaled for possibilities of her detachment.

'No.' Suman was immediate to give an answer.

---' No Suman, you can just leave. I know...I will handle it...' Shravan interrupted her.

'No, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I couldn't love anybody but you.
It's just about the time and the situation. It's about me.' Suman tried explaining to him. 

'See, we can do this. We don't have to run away from what's happening to us. I won't let anything happen to you.' Shravan said with his eyes dripping with concerns and helplessness at the same time. 'No matter what.'

Suman just looked at him, with her tears dried on the surface. 

You don't get to decide about this Shravan. It's about me, and I know how cruel I am. It's just me and not you- who will ruin it. 

She just nodded this time and let him kiss her cheeks. Even if she felt hollow, his touch gave her warmth- but not enough to reverberate her heartbeat.

You should have listened Shravan. I wanted to tell you, everything.
I am a coward.
and I can't hurt anymore.


Enough of the tries. 
Now it's time to celebrate the failure.