I'm Dying

17.

He needs to know.

That I am not the one. 

I swear I will live only if he pursues his happiness.

And I know that he loves me, but he needs to move ahead. He can't be stuck here forever.


Suman licked her lips wet, which were drying in anticipation. 'What happened at the Cantt?' She tried smiling and making herself look fine. Shravan held her hand a bit. ' They might need a unit in Manipur.' Shravan's voice was calm and dull. Suman stirred in her bed trying to fill the silence with sugar and words, to tell him that it shall be fine if he goes, but the fact was it won't be fine. She could barely think of a moment away from him but maybe this was her only chance to let go. 

Suman shook her head and tried sucking back the tears which glassed her corneas.'Look, I am just so proud of you Shravan.' 

Suddenly, as she felt something rack the curtains of her room- she knew her mother was here. She tightly glanced in the corner and saw her standing in a blush-colored saree on the farther end of the room. For a moment she could barely turn her head as she felt her neck getting stoned. Her throat felt dry but again she tried to compose herself- for Shravan. She won't let him know. Suman fisted her hands and coughed loudly.

Shravan followed her gaze. She figuratively tried to keep looking at her hands and then at him. Not anywhere. His mind raced to fish for possibilities and suspected that something wasn't right. 'Water?' he shook his head to question her. 

'No.' Suman rubbed her palms at her temples. 'So Manipur?' Suman left out a chuckle. Shravan left out a sad smile and nodded his head. Such a liar, he thought. 'It's going to be cold at this point of the year,' she stated 'So, good luck, Shravan.'

After this point, an accelerated silence prevailed in the room. The corners screamed and the curtains ruffled with air as Suman ducked her head down looking at anything but her hands. Shravan just waited. He waited for her to say something, to tell him to stay and not leave.To tell him that she needed him.

But she was quiet. So, so quiet- that it hurt. 
 

'So, you don't want to say anything?' Suman again pestred a silent Shravan. 
'No.' he said, so meekly that Suman had to strain her ears to listen. With a soft pat on her knuckles, he left her hand. 

You could have said something Sumo.

I know it is difficult for you, but it isn't easy for me as well.

You know I love you, then what really holds you back?

What makes you let me go like that, yet again?

Shravan sat for 30 seconds precisely, before he decided to get up. 'You sure, that you are okay?' Shravan again asked with concern dripping from his words. This time, he decided that he won't ask her if she is seeing her mother. If she is listening to voices which don't really exist.

You need to tell me that Suman. I have cared for you enough for you to loosen your thoughts on my chest.

'It was...' Shravan stood at his spot before rotating the knob and exiting out of the door. 'It was just an emergency meet up. The final call may come in a week, maybe not.' he stressed the last words trying to pour all his feelings into them. He could still feel the brush of her lips on his own. 

Just tell me to stop once. 

But then, was I forcing her to love me?

With one last look, Suman averted her gaze back to her own hands. She fidgeted and controlled her shivers. 'Okay. I get it. hope everything goes well! I too have a session with doctor Gujral tomorrow.' she felt stones sitting on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to tell him to sit back and be with her, that they can spend any time with each other- every hour, every minute, and every second. That his warmth was her real cure, that he was the one. There were so many things, so many dreams she wanted to fulfill- but the only thing which stood between them was her illness. It had ruined her and she couldn't do it to him as well. 

She heard the door shut, leaving the absence of Shravan and her beating heart. 

'Happy?' She smiled ghostly at her mother. Her mother looked as calm and serene and for the first time said nothing. She just stood at her place staring and staring. Suman shook her head hysterically. Yes, it was nothing. 

She could feel nothing.

And that warm-fluid feeling returned to her once again. 

She wanted everything to stop spinning around her so that she could rest- forever.

-------

Kanchan arranged the dinner at the table. Bunty was busy making the salad and it frustrated her that he always forgot olive oil. 'Sugar!' she called him annoyingly and Shravan who had just entered the hall could barely hold his laugh.

'Not in my wildest of the wildest dreams, I could imagine Bunty being sugar.' Shravan announced between his laughs.

Kanchan shook her head as she flashed a slight grin. She mouthed olive oil to Bunty who tapped his head. 'Count me in.' he chuckled as he told Shravan. 

'Oh Hello! Bunty! You seriously think it that way. I wasn't the one to woe you!' Kanchan huffed she arranged some rice. 

'How can I forget?' Bunty waved his hands in assurance. 'She is just too nice to me all the time.' Bunty said with eyes sparkling of glee, which Shravan mirrored with love.

'You, two...'Shravan pulled out a chair to sit down as Kanchan blushed a shade pink. 'are adorable.' 

'We are..but not like you and Suman.' Bunty tried concentrating on setting up the plates, avoiding Shravan's defeated gaze.

'What's the matter Shravan?' Kanchan was concerned.

'What will be the matter, Kanchan. She just doesn't want me anymore, I guess...' Shravan didn't have the power to complete the sentence. 

'Rubbish!' Kanchan shook her head in negative as Bunty supported her statement.

'Didn't she tell you why she had an anxiety attack?' Bunty enquired.

'She hallucinated her mother, right?' Shravan asked rhetorically still oblivious of the real reason.

'Good lord! You know Bunty, there is a reason- and a solid one, that why both of them are such bullheads. It was because of you. She was really upset that you went to the Cantt without her knowledge. Real upset and then whatever happened, you know that.' Kanchan looked at Bunty and then at Shravan. She rocked her head in victory. 

Shravan contemplated her words and found himself kicking his ass mentally of what all expectations he had germinated in the back of his head without a complete catalog of events.

'Shravan?' Bunty asked a lost Shravan as he shook his head in a negative. 

Suman walked out o her room, all smiling and happy. 'What's for food?' she asked grinning to her ears. She held the spatula and poured the food on her plate.

Shravan constantly stared at her, half aghast and half confused. He held his spoon long in the air and for a moment Kanchan and Bunty were perplexed too.  'I am hungry, guys.' Suman coughed a bit and pulled everybody out of the trance.

'We need to talk.' Shravan dug his spoon again in his plate filling it with some pulses and vegetables, avoiding Suman's half drowning nod as she too stuffed her mouth with some more food.

You need to stop acting Suman. he thought.

You need to stop caring Shravan. she pleaded in her mind.