I'm Dying

18.

When Shravan stepped on the lawn, it felt like a miniature rainforest- dense and moist. He let the heels of his feet press the grass and take in the fuzzy and ticklish feeling of grass grown all over. Maybe Damru had forgotten to manicure it. The night was heavy and dark, without a star twinkling or maybe it was just an illusion. The stars were ever twinkling, it was just that- he could not see it. Happiness and peace in life also worked the same way, it is always present inside us until we find it, excavate it out.

Suman walked on the lawn and stood 3 feet behind Shravan. She scrounged for a feeling of belonging to the place but found none. It felt so alienated to stand in the middle of nowhere, in the passivity and immensity of solidarity. Her breathing convulsed and she decided to start the "talk" Shravan had called her for. 'Shravan!' Suman called out to him as he gently turned around without a spec of surprise.

He traced the decaying lines of peace on her forehead and somewhere feared that he had induced it all. 

Self-hatred and Self- destruction weren't just terms used in fiction. It happened for real. 

'Why do you care for me, Suman? You literally had an anxiety attack because I went to the Cantt. without informing you, huh, seriously? For god's sake, I thought you had better reasons....' Shravan left the question immediately gulping so hard that his throat hurt.

Suman squinted her eyes and shook her head incredulously. 'What? Other reasons? Like how my father is dead and my mother lingers around me in my head? huh? that I am an on-leave army officer, hiding from the world that I am mentally ill? Speak it out Shravan! I know. I know you don't like it here, and I was trying to help. Good for you if you are too desperate to leave.'

Shravan's thoughts were precariously held under his tongue. His one wrong word and intimation- could ruin the whole base of their conversation. 'No. I am sorry!' Shravan licked his lips as he tried to compose himself. 'Look Suman!' his hands waved in desperation. 'I, I just wanted to know that why do you care for me? I wasn't pushing you, I never do...' Shravan's voice carried an apology.

Suman felt her heart thumping wildly in her rib cage. She knew that he would never think what she had accused him of. She could say 'I understand.' and it shall be over. But does she want all this to be over? What if, he really meant it. What if he didn't really mean it but at least deserved it? Deserved to be away from her.

With paltry strength, Suman turned around her head and faced Shravan. She could have psychic troubles but she wasn't an apprentice in emotions. 'Get the hell out of here!' she spoke, loud enough. It banged the air in the surroundings, filling Shravan's chest with anything but air. His chest swelled with despondency but he still shook his head in negative. 'I said I am sorry. I know what you think....' Shravan's head was ducked but he could feel Suman's flaring breathes. Before he could complete he was interrupted again.

'I said get the god damn hell out of here !' Suman's voice was breaking her own heart. She felt like drowning in a frigid, desolate- ice water at the very bottom of the world. Her skin felt ripping apart from her skeleton, there was pain and just pain. 

I am saving you. So help me this last time. Please Shravan! Suman's dark brown eyes still were unable to hide the hurt. Between her throat and tongue- the back of her head throbbed in the exhaustion of all the lies she had told ever since.

Shravan felt a different kind of rage building inside him. When he tried reading her eyes she turned around.  His thoughts jammed in his head, one over the other. 'I know you want me to leave. I will. But not before I tell you something. Because it was my idea to be here.' Shravan knew what she thought and what she tried of doing to him. She was still this silly girl who thought that she could say all that and push him away. But both of them have walked a very long way since that day. The day he had really walked out, not now.

'7 years ago, I had made a mistake. I had walked out when I should have told you something. I have endured the repercussions ever since. My life has been painful, difficult, and sagging. It feels like walking in a catacomb, a narrow gallery of an excavation site, huh...' Shravan gave out a ghostly chuckle. 'I was all surrounded by our memories, trying to carve them to flesh and blood. Now, when we stand together- I want you to know that I won't leave. I love you!' Shravan's throat was choked with tears. It wasn't just some salty fluid getting out of his eyes and filling his nostrils- it was the liquid of liberation and calmness, of rage and wait.

He could read her back as her shoulders quivered. Maybe she was crying too. He ducked his head into her shoulders, closer to the nape of her neck, and hearing her muffled sobs grabbed her shoulders and formed a ring of his arms around her chest. He pressed his head deep as he felt her stiffened spine relaxed under his touch. ' You don't understand Shravan. I am not fine. I am a squatter. I don't belong anywhere, I feel alienated. Everywhere! I will ruin you and that will be my biggest defeat. Please..' Suman cried as she felt his tears rolling down to her shoulder blade. 

'You make me feel like shit.' Shravan mumbled. 

'No. I don't. I just want to save you. If I won't be here, you...' Suman tried reasoning. The reasoning was coming to her head. But standing here, with his head ducked in her soul, she suddenly wanted to stay. 

'I will follow you. Everywhere. Let us both be squatters, Suman. Let us both not belong.' Shravan's voice was firm and warm. 

At this Suman just stayed quiet. She interceded her own trail of thoughts and a feeling of ignominy surged her senses. 'I'm sorry but I'm dying Shravan. And it isn't easy to die little by little each day. Do you think I didn't want to be with you? Not true.' Suman's voice was fragile and brittle. Even if it broke, he was there to join it back together. 'I thought of us. In the beginning. But nothing helped, and I found you toiling around me, trying to keep it all sane. You think that you can do it, you will- I know. But I don't want you to burn in the distress of my melancholy, my problems. I figured it out, that sooner or later- I have to let go.' she left out a heavy sigh.

Shravan's lips curled in a peaceful grin. If she loved him back- it was the only pass for heaven to him. He barely wanted anything else in his life. 'You think pushing me away, or getting away yourself from all of this- is going to make me happy. Suman, if you die- I die. That's it. It isn't going to make things better- for how long could you remain without a heart. Maybe, I won't die with the same rush of blood and pain, but I will. So- you aren't saving me. Not this way.' his words penetrated Suman's heart which was prisoned in prejudices.

Suman turned around to face him. She could trace that deftly etched grin over his face when he knew everything was right. When she knew that he knew that they will make it together. She touched his arms with her hands, she stayed close to him with almost no distance. A tinkering blaze of cold air made her shiver but she was more than happy to feel anything else. It was a swing from the extremities- and she knew it would take time- but it was all worth it.

Shravan was instantly down on a knee, a bit awkward- that he was without a ring. 'Captain Suman Tiwari! Would you accept me as your comrade for life? Because I don't know how to fight a battle without you. Can I grow old with you? when we turn 90, we can sit across each other just drinking tea without our teeth.  Will you honour me to be your husband?' Shravan said whatever he felt appropriate for the moment. 

Suman was jumping. After years she felt like a kid, with joy and no worries. 'Yes! YES! YES! YES! To all your questions!' she said and bent down to place a peck on his lips. 

'Damn! That was unexpected.' Shravan hysterically smiled at his lady love.