I'm Dying

19.

Suman whipped the egg with expertise as she brooded her worries masked with a fit of even anger. 'He should have told me, he is off again!' She let her hands slow down a bit as she again grabbed her mobile phone and swapped Shravan's number. For the 100th time, the sweet and piercing voice of the automated lady told her that his phone was switched off.

'You need to go for the session.' Kanchan had got married 2 days ago and now stood all studded in heavy embroidery and a choker necklace.

'Kancha?' Suman turned around, surprised. She scanned her sister, top to bottom, and could already hear her Aunt go fussy in the drawing-room about gifts and stuff. 'I would have choked with all that..' Suman gave out a chuckle and continued her work.

'Funny!' Kanchan folded her arms across her chest as she rolled her eyes and huffed. 'I am here to take you and you are still less on your breakfast. 

'Shravan likes to eat an omelet for breakfast. Me being the goody fiancee- literally woke up to make it for him and he is nowhere to be seen.' Suman whipped the egg harder in anger. 'His phone is switched off and hell!' she nonchalantly addressed her worries to Kanchan who was already trying to hide the fact that it was Shravan who had told her to be with Suman for the whole long day, to get her to Doctor Gujral and then take her back home. He was at an important meeting, a very important one.

'Suman. He might have had some work.' Kanchan's words were slow and smooth. 'We need to go.' 

Suman didn't feel the air of tension and after a few minutes abandoned her work and went away to get ready.

As she left Kanchan felt a queer lethargy take over her. She froze as she looked over the kitchen counter. Suman had whipped 20 eggs. 20, bloody eggs- and half of it were on the floor. Kanchan rubbed her temples. It had been 10 days since Shravan had proposed to Suman and 3 days to their engagement. It was a sweet and small affair- no fuss. She grabbed her mobile and texted Shravan once again. 'I am taking her. Don't worry.' she wrote and then her fingers struggled to find an emoji but she still couldn't gather the appropriate wit to do so. 

She bent down to clear the mess, as she could hear her mother advance towards the kitchen. 
Beena came to the entrance of the kitchen and stood there looking at her daughter. Kanchan figuratively avoided her mother's gaze. 'I am fine.' she said as it echoed in the back of her brain. 
Beena opened her mouth and closed it again, thinking that nothing she could do or say which could change the tide of things.

After the kitchen seemed cleaner, Kanchan made her way to Suman's room. In her way, she instructed Damru to boil the vegetables and clean the utensils. It was all so normal. the warm air, the ticking clock, the hanging photographs - but still so different. The people living in the house were no more the same. 

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Shravan was resigning from the field. He was taking up a desk job and Kanchan and Bunty were given the responsibility to look after Suman when he was away in the Cantt. It was more about hiding the truth, or just about not telling it. A day before their engagement Dr. Gujral had called up Shravan and had arranged an important and solitary meet-up. Over tea, which looked anything but regretful and heavy he had revealed that Suman's diagnosis wasn't just a traumatic syndrome but it had progressed to some awful shit. Her mood swings, her mania to extermities- from happy to sad wasn't normal- it was a disorder. It was BIPOLAR DISORDER. For a moment Shravan had just measured the weight and depth of his friend's words. And then it's a depressing reality.

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'I had suspected it for quite some time.' Gujral muddled through the topic. ' I was observing. During the sessions, there were instant bouts of anxiety, you know- topics related to you would make her restlessly happy. In the starting, she would avoid it, and then she won't stop talking about it. She doesn't realize but swinging between extremes of once trying to kill it all and then the other moment just trying to be extremely joyful is also troubling her body. And then there is a state of utter confusion- of not knowing what to do and what not to. SO when she says that she wants to keep others safe, maybe- at that moment she realizes that something is wrong with her.' Gujral rubbed his temples. 'See Shravan,' 
Shravan looked frozen at his spot. He tried to move his leg a bit to feel if he is still alive or not. 
Gujral licked his lips 'You are my best friend Shravan and I know you love her. But for this time, she isn't completely fine. We will treat her back. The relief is..' Gujral tried to instil hope as he smiled a bit. 
Shravan looked up for the first time in the whole conversation. 
'Its BIPOLAR 2 and the mania in this thing is a little less elevated. It's generally triggered by more than one depressive epi...' As Gujral continued to speak, Shravan just looked at the design his report was making on his eyes. There were, symptoms and treatment and whatnot written all over the file- under the name of  Suman Tiwari. The girl he had given his heart to. Only he knew what she was to him, and all these things under her name were making him feverish, so much so that he wanted to throw up. 

                                                                    We Care- Mental health Hospital
Name: Suman Tiwari   Sex: F  Age:25 years 
Address- Tiwari house, Street 56, Army colony, Bhopal

Flying suddenly from one idea to the nextHaving exaggerated self-confidenceRapid, "pressured" (uninterruptible) and loud speechIncreased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep.

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Shravan's phone buzzed again with his mother's name. His family was already running a race to get him married. He hadn't told them about the engagement. he had to convince Suman that everything shall be fine when he barely knew if it would be. He would have given his right arm to see this day only if anyone deleted the gloom of the unwelcomed news of Suman's diagnosis. He was filling up forms of temporary resignation from the field, it saddened him but not on the cost of losing Suman. 

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Kanchan hurried towards Suman's room still thinking that it took her more than the right time to get ready. She opened the room and found it anything but in its idyllic state. 'Suman?' her voice was meek as she struggled to get through the waves of clothes scattered all over in heaps of mountains.

'Kanchan. Is there something wrong with me?' Suman sat on the corner of the bed, staring through the mess of her room with tears glassing her eyes. 

Kanchan felt her neck get cemented. She shook it with great pain. 'You look lovely.' she said throwing the knot in her throat far way.

'You know why this all happened? ' Suman pointed out at the mess of clothes. 'I wanted this, maroon tank top- and I surfed over all the place and then suddenly I started throwing things around. I didn't realise until...' Suman's lips quivered. Her face which was heated in exsertion was chilled by the salty water of tears as Kanchan came forward to embrace her. 'Nothing's wrong, we need to leave.' Kanchan grabbed her sister's hands and just dragged her out- maybe to a better place.

Suman, who felt like digging herself into earth didn't protest. She was anyways doing harm than being safe- if left alone. She didn't tell Kanchan- but at that moment- for the first time in many days she thought of how good it would do to everybody is she weren't there anymore. Everybody would be happy. It might hurt Shravan a bit, but the endgame shall be peaceful for him too. Before all of this, it was how she was hurting. How she felt the stones plunging in her own chest, but now it was how her own hollowness was ruining everybody around. So, she needed to be oblivious and just needed to vanish.

Vanish!
 yes.