The Christmas Party

Run, Run Reindeer

Me: Will you come to my company holiday party and pretend to be my girlfriend? I will give you a Starbucks gift card.

Lacey: My boyfriend's dad is a VP at your company and he and his wife will 100% be there

Me: Ugh

Lacey: You have loads of friends can't one of them do it?

Me: Friends is a very loose term

Lacey: Get on Bumble or Tinder?

Me: God no. I just need someone to accompany me. Do you have any friends that want to go? Preferably straight.

Lacey: Why straight?

Me: So we don't fall in love

Lacey: Omg... fine I'll ask around.

Me: You're the best!

I put my phone down and stared at my computer screen. I'd exhausted all of my viable contacts. It was only Wednesday; I still had eighteen days until the party, but I couldn't help the feeling of dread that was setting in. What if I couldn't find a date?

It was almost like Monica sensed my distress, like how sharks sense an animal flailing about miles away and know when to go in for the kill; Monica was at my desk hardly a minute after I threw my phone down in defeat. She came poised with a clipboard and a giant pen with a Rudolph top on it that lit up when you clicked the pen down. I wanted to gag.

"Yes?" I asked, eying her suspiciously.

"I'm doing RSVPs for the Christmas party. Will you and your . . . girlfriend be there?"

My panic quickly turned to annoyance. "Yes. You can put me down for two. We'll both be there."

Monica eyed me, unconvinced.

"Is that all? I have a lot of work to do," I said.

"Yes, for now." She spun on her heels and went to talk to others in the office. I scowled and quickly snatched my phone, now scrolling through my Instagram to see if there was perhaps someone from high school or college who would be willing to go with me, even if it was a bit of drive.

* * *

I drove straight to Luca's apartment after work with six bottles of wine. When Luca answered the door his eyes fell on the bag. "Long day?"

"Extremely. Plus, there was a deal and I had to buy six bottles."

"Had to, huh?" He asked as I pushed past him into the apartment.

"Wow," I commented, looking around their apartment. "You've got . . . a lot of Christmas in here." I uncorked a bottle of wine with a Santa corkscrew and poured us both glasses with snowflake designs. "Jesus, is everything Christmas now?"

Luca accepted his glass and plopped down on the couch, moving the Christmas decorated pillows. "Yes. Thea decorated last weekend."

"It looks like an elf threw up in here."

Luca shrugged. "It's nice. Plus Thea loves Christmas. You know that."

"Yeah, but it looks like she has more decorations than last year. Like way more."

"Of course she does. She always buys more."

"How does she already have more? It's December second!"

"Thea goes Christmas shopping in November."

"She's one of those people."

"She's obsessed."

"Apparently."

"Let me guess: your apartment has nothing Christmas in it."

"You would be correct."

"What's your aversion to Christmas?"

"I don't have an aversion to Christmas. I just don't like to decorate. It takes too much time and I don't have money to buy things like," I gestured to the apartment as a whole. "Garlands and Department 56's A Christmas Carol collection."

"Well yes, that was expensive." Luca took a sip of wine. "So how's operation Find a Fake Girlfriend going?"

"Horrible. I haven't found anyone yet. Have you?"

"No. Everyone is either busy or . . ."

"Weirded out by the whole thing?"

"Exactly."

"So what do I do?"

"Can you bail?"

"No, I already RSVPed for two."

Luca sipped on his wine thoughtfully. "Let's make a Craiglist ad."

"That doesn't sound safe."

"We'll meet whoever agrees beforehand and I'll make sure they're not some murderer."

I sighed. "Okay fine. I'm out of options anyway. But if this ends badly and I get murdered I'm blaming you."

"If you're so worried about being murdered then you should just make a Bumble and Tinder. I bet you can find someone that way."

I shook my head. "Nothing good has ever come from me using either of those apps. Remember Blair? Plus, I think I've dated every gay girl in this town; every lesbian is like, two permutations away from each other."

Luca cringed. "Okay, no dating apps. Let's just try Craigslist then." Luca pulled out his laptop and we created a post pleading for a date. It was removed almost an hour later. "Okay so apparently you can't solicit a date as a 'gig'. I now see my mistake."

I groaned and poured myself a fourth glass of wine. This ordeal was turning me into quite the alcoholic. "What am I going to do? Why is it so hard to find a fake girlfriend for one night? How does everyone already have plans for the 18th? Why doesn't anyone want to be my fake girlfriend for the night? Am I ugly? Is my personality terrible? You can tell me Luca, be honest. Am I the worst?"

"Oh my god, you need to calm down. You're beautiful. You have a lovely personality. You know I would date you if I was straight. The reason you can't find a date is because people have lives and families and real girlfriends that they already have plans with."

"Don't you have like a friend of a friend of a friend that will go with me? A cousin? A second cousin? A barista?"

Luca looked to the ceiling in thought and tapped his finger against his glass when and the apartment door burst open. Thea walked in, kicked off her boots and shrugged off her heavy winter coat.

"There's wine on the counter," I said.

"Thanks." Thea poured a full glass and joined us on the couch. "Have you eaten?"

"Nope," Luca said.

"Are you drunk already?"

"Yup."

Thea shook her head. "I'll order takeout."

Luca leaned a head on his sister's shoulder. "You're an angel."

Thea sighed and pulled out her phone. Luca and I returned to the problem at hand.

"You know, if people didn't know you were a raging lesbian I could have gone to the party with you," Luca said.

"Are you kidding me? You're gayer than I am. If anyone thought I was straight and I brought you, they would question my sexuality."

Luca laughed.

"What are you guys talking about?" Thea asked, lifting her head and sipping her wine.

"This bitch," Luca said, pointing at me. "Got caught in a web of lies."

I explained my situation to Thea, who laughed. "That is wonderful. I needed that laugh after today. Thank you, Louise."

I scowled at her.

"So no luck finding a date?" Thea asked.

"Absolutely none."

Thea laughed again and took another sip of wine. "I'm not surprised you got yourself into this mess."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're you," Thea said, gesturing vaguely to me.

"Gee, thanks." I rolled my eyes. I sat for a moment then snapped my fingers. "What about you two? Do you have any co-workers that would go with me?"

Luca thought a moment. "I could ask."

"You don't want to go to a party with a stuffy lawyer. Believe me, the entire night will be filled with bad lawyer jokes and them explaining all the ways they could sue you," Thea said.

"You must delightful at parties," I said. Thea smirked. "Seriously, there aren't any people you work with that would go with me?"

"You really don't want to go with anyone at the firm. Trust me."

"I would rather go with a boring lawyer than face Monica. Trust me."

Thea sighed. "Fine, I'll see if anyone is interested."

"You could ask one of the baristas at the Starbucks you always go to. Don't you kind of know them?" Luca asked.

"Kind of," I said, thinking through all the employees. "I guess it's better than nothing."

"Isn't the girl who makes your coffee every day cute?"

I blushed. "I guess so."

"It's better than admitting defeat."

"You're right. I will find a fake girlfriend if it's the last thing I do." We all sipped our wine in silence and wondered about possible dates. "Oh, Thea, I've been meaning to ask: is it illegal to make palisades out of candy canes and tape them around your desk?"