Saf's POV
Normally I don't mind sitting and chatting with mom and ma but today I'm so glad they aren't home. I don't think I could handle talking to anyone right now. I stomp up the stairs straight to my room. It feels as if my bed is calling to me, I flop in landing on my stomach.
With my face buried into a pillow I let it all out. I scream and cry wondering why the hell I did what I did. I DON'T LIKE GIRLS! So why? Why, why, why, why ,why? Why did I do it? More importantly, why did I enjoy it. Why did I keep replaying it in my head during classes. Do I want it to happen again? No I don't, I don't like girls.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I scream not worrying about who hears. Screaming feels so good, before I know it I'm throwing pillows around and screaming as loud as I can. Then I'm crying, standing in front of the mirror and not recognizing who was looking back. "Oh Ava May what have you done to me, who have I become" I whisper in between sobs.
>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<
I guess I exhausted myself with all the crying, screaming, and throwing because I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.
"Sweetie are you ok?" I hear ma ask in her most comforting voice "was it that boy Sawyer?" Dang it I completely forgot about Sawyer, "oh no ma I'm good just got a little stressed about a paper I'm good" I reply hoping I sound convincing. "Ok well there's dinner downstair if you're hungry" she says putting a smile on her face.
I wasn't hungry so I just stayed in bed, it's not like I could go get food if I wanted to. My body and mind seem to want to betray me because I can't find the will to move much. I roll over and grab my phone checking it for the first time since I got home. I have messages from Sawyer no surprise there, and then I see it. A number with no name attached to a message that says "I bet that kiss is stuck in your head" followed by another that says "you weren't as terrible as I thought you would be" and last but not least " didn't take you as the type to be kissing girls in the bathroom, not that i'm complaining".
Ahh yes internalized homophobia, I know that a lot of people struggle with this along with accepting themselves so if anyone needs to talk I'm here.
If anyone feels like sharing they can do it here.
I started to realize that I liked girls about 4 years ago and I was really young to be realizing something like this. So I told like two people and mainly dated men for many many years. Which resulted in a lot and lot of bad relationship. I would always just say oh yeah I'm bi but I like girls more yk. Up until about two days ago when I told my best friends I think I just like girls.
Everyones experience is different and it can be hard and confusing at times so sometimes its easier to just talk about it so I definitely recommend if you're struggling talk to someone you trust.
OK sorry for that little rant, thanks for reading lovelies ❤️
