The flame of desire (girlxgirl) ✔︎

The desire to be your friend (part 2)➪14

IRIS'S POV
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I kissed her.

I acted before my mind could keep up.

I kissed her.

Her soft cheeks were cupped in my hand and her rosy tender lips embraced mine with so much passion and desire that it lit a flame within my wintry heart.

I kissed her.

Disregarding the consequences, I gave up everything for that one moment.

That moment.

That moment could ruin me. Why did I kiss her? Why did I like it? Why did I want to hold her, touch her, devour her at every second that I spent with her? Why did my heart beat erratically whenever she graced my presence? Why? Why? Why?

Please, I'm begging you God! What did I do wrong? Why do I feel this way about her? I'd rather remain unable to love. I'd rather have a stone cold heart again. I'd rather be normal!

Normal.

Am I normal? Of course not! Normal people don't go around kissing their friends of the same gender. Wait no, some girls do...

Ah yes! Maybe I'm mistaken, girls always act gay and touchy. Girls always hug, kiss and touch each other. They experiment and do all that weird shit. That's just how girls are...

But do girls...Feel this way? Do they feel how I feel? Do they feel so much desire and passion that it could kill them? No! They don't because it's weird and bizarre and wrong.

I don't like women though. I must be confused. Despite never being in love I am genuinely attracted to men, I want men to like me, notice me. I like men! So how could I possibly feel this way for her?

These thoughts raced through my head, colliding and crashing with chaos. This overwhelming feeling. I'm confused. I'm annoyed. I'm angry.

I'm scared.

"Iris-"

Roselina's voice called out to me. She had such a disgustingly alluring voice.

I can't help but to break down. These thoughts I don't understand, these desires and emotions can only be expressed through tears.

These tears. I wipe them away but they keep coming, muffles left my throat and I couldn't get a sentence out. What is Roselina doing? What was her reaction? Is she disgusted that I pounced on her like a dog? I want to speak but I can't. I want to make up some excuse but I can't. I want to apologise but I can't.

I want to apologise.

I need to.

"I'm sorry." My eyes widened at the delicate and shy voice that left the pale girl's mouth.

"I'm sorry." She apologised once more. Guilt overpowered me, punching me with no mercy, abusing me out of pure spite. Why was she apologising? I kissed her.

"Dont!" I shrieked "Don't apologise." I wipe my tears away and put on a brave smile, it was so clearly fake however I needed to reassure her. I don't know why I feel this way, or what I'm actually feeling but there's one thing that I know for sure.

I can't lose her.

I won't.

"But I..." Her voice became thick "I made you cry."
She was on the verge of tears. She looked like a cute little puppy that had just been kicked and cast aside. I don't want to see this. I don't want to see her cry. Not like this.

"No you didn't, I'm not crying because of you..." I force a fake chuckle and smiled soullessly. "I'm on birth control so I'm hyper-emotional, haha. Yeah... Mood swings and everything!" I wipe away my tears, continuing with my unconvincing smile. "Friends kiss each other all the time. I mean, my friends do. And that's all there is to it. So don't... don't worry." I lied through my teeth.

I didn't know what reaction I was expecting or what reaction I wanted. A part of me wanted her to laugh and act along with my ignorant play. A part of me wanted her to call me out on my bullshit. However the reaction I got wasn't at all satisfactory.

Roselina stilled like a statue.

"Lina?" I called out to her for a reply. Roselina glanced at me, she looked as if she had just seen a ghost.

"You're..." she started her sentence, my heart was beating like a madman and I slightly leaned forward, eager to hear her response.

"You're..." she restarted her sentence as if she couldn't comprehend something. "You're on birth control?" Her face screwed up and she looked at me,  I couldn't tell if she was angry or confused, maybe even both.

The atmosphere was awkward however I replied to her question in a hesitant tone. "Um... yeah haha." She looked even more upset at my confirmation. Is she a Mormon or something?

"Do you have sex?" Her voice sounded hostile, as if she was trying to hold back some inexplainable emotion. I didn't reply and we just sat in silence for a good 30 seconds. The atmosphere around us became suffocating. 

"I have a boyfriend." This seemed like the best response at the time.

"Oh." Her voice wavered and she slipped out from under the staircase. She stood up and this time, she was looking down at me. Her face scrunched up and then it smoothed out once more.

"It's good to be safe," she smiled, not even half heartedly. It was a completely forced smile. She picked up her bag and swung it over her shoulder, taking her leave.

I watched as she walked away from me. I let her. I didn't go after her nor did I make any attempt to. I knew that something was wrong yet I was too busy wallowing In my own self pity and despair that I just couldn't bring myself to comfort her.

So what happens now?

We will just be friends. I couldn't expect or even want more. These feelings... These feelings are just me being confused.

Yeah.

I'm just confused.