The Sums of Us

The Distance

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

(Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx)

Perth, December 2018

Perth, my sanctuary, my cradle, my safe home. I enjoyed the proximity of my dad, mom and my sister. The morning walk on the beach, afternoon frolicking in our backyard, rolling over with our cats while music playing on the stereo, my mom in her big hat trying to read despite of our noises, my dad pruning his trees in his cute garden plot and Kat unstoppable narration on her activities before coming home. I love all these, and the feeling of belonging; far from the silence of my home away from home in LA, the loneliness in one of the busiest city in the US, the dread of waiting for jobs, for calls, for friends updates and for him. Yes, him. Of all the things I left behind, my garden which Jordan vowed to take care of, my Steinway which I draped a blanket over it and my charming wall of posters; I missed him the most. And he's not even in the lists. His presence was in all those I mentioned before. Hence, making him the most missed element in my heart. I knew coming back back to Perth this time was a de javu to the time after we finished filming After. I was quite lost then, not knowing what did he felt about me. Unfortunately I was more or less on the same sense of lost this time, not knowing what we had between us. Perhaps the only consolation was to know he liked me, as much as I liked him and we were on better intimate level to compare than before. Ironically, the hurt was worst when you involved intimately with a person to compare with just admiring the person without him knowing. Either way, it hurt. I told nobody about him, not even Anna who knew he was there with me for the whole damn week. Good thing about her was, she didn't ask. She didn't force me to tell her. I was sure, her capability and instinct as a writer would put her mind on the right track. I was thankful she respected my privacy and treated me all the same without harbouring any of discontent from my lack of confessions, my silence and my hermit take on privacy. We never talk about him and she only focus on myself, my comfort and making sure I was not too isolated in my silence. Dinners at her place, sometimes lunches and tea in the afternoons ensure our connection remain good and she knew I was okay in my silence. For that, I was always thankful for Anna Todd.

My memories of him were too potent, too vivid and the emotions were numerous, all conspired to haunt me, torturing my sanity and disturbing my complacency. He was always here, in my mind. He would always caused the irritating odd flutters in my heart, simultaneously addicted and hurting me. Endlessly. There were times, I wish he suffered the same way as I did. That would only be fair.

I told Mia about him. Not everything, but the parts I wanted Mia to know; his kindness, his many surprised skills, our trip around LA, the gardening part and the Joshua Tree road trip. I spared all the intimate details during those trips. I didn't tell her about our intimate relationship, I just want Mia to get a clear picture why I like him so much and how was our relationship developed, I wanted her to give me her honest opinion about us without the embellishment of romanticism and intimacy in my narrative to her. Mia being Mia, she kind of suspected something was going on since Atlanta but she never thought Hero, the actor would dipped for nearly a whole week and spent time under radar with me in LA. She thought he was serious, or at least interested. She thought he gave me his full attention to compare with any other things because he committed himself for a week with me, just me with no expectation or rush on relationship. She thought he was a gentleman and I should give him a proper consideration and thought. I thought so, Mia. Well, at least she proved to me I was on the right track. She told me, see how long he could stick with me without getting bore because if he was serious and sincere, he would stick long enough to like me. Maybe he could go as far as love me. Sex or no sex; that's Mia Challis's words. I agreed with her, that's what I thought as well; because boys and men before him in my life were bolted for the doors once they realized they would not get easy sex with me. I wanted him and I wanted him to want me; beyond the needs for sex and lust. We'll see how.