The Sums of Us

Crossroad

(JOSEPHINE)

Don't you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded?
Don't you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?
But don't tell me you're sorry, boy
Feel sorry for yourself
'Cause someday I'll be everything to somebody else
And they'll think that I am so exciting
And you'll be the one who's crying

(Enough For You, Olivia Rodrigo)

London, September 2023

It's good to know if he turned into some sort of womaniser, which he was not.
He was not a womaniser.
Which made it the more painful because I knew he choose somebody to be with him meticulously and with care and affection.
He was being with who ever because he loved and liked the girl.
The way he used to love and liked me before.
Obviously the girl made him comfortable, happy and normal.
The way I didn't.

It hurt.
It did.
It hurt more when I realized his life still haunt by paps, his face everywhere in the magazines, gossip sites and social medias. More than the coverage and exposure when we still us, but he remained with the same girl.

It hurt indefinitely seeing him living a life with his most sought after by paps' girlfriend, Her Royal Highness Alin Anais of the House Hastings, First of Her Name, the Giver, Queen of Publicity and all Philanthropists, model of the Great Pedigree, Breaker of all girls dreams who still salivate for his dick bla bla bla bla.
Yeah, sorry for being sarcastic and bitter and childish.
Can't help it.

I analyzed everything.
I realized why it hurt more.
To me, his reasons on how paps took away and destroyed my privacy, the cruel critiques on my acting and personality, his need for a normal life by his definition among his people, his stubbornness on not letting the fame and attention he got changed him, our volatile young careers with not much to be proud of, our obsession with each others that would distract us from achieving our goals, his being a magnet of trouble to my life and career development, the benefit our separation would give to my career and his, and all decisions he made for us and threw at me to end us long ago were just mere excuses.
Mere excuses.
All of it.

Truth was he just don't love me anymore.
He didn't like me anymore.
He didn't need me anymore.
He was done with us, with me and with all about us.
He just want to end it as gentle as possible.
His ways.
I got it now.
Loud and clear.
I was the one who must go.
Not making the cut.
Hence, ended us.
From what it seemed, if the girl made the cut, come what may, he would face it for her, with her, by her and together
Like he did.
Now.

It hurt.
Yes, it hurt but I was a different person now too.
I accepted it.
And life must go on.
Like they said, what doesn't kill you, make you stronger.
When the sorrow failed to kill me years ago, it now turned into what made me stronger.
The sorrow fuelled my passion for flying, acting, trying new things in life and loving.

Yes, it made me braver to love again.
Not to one person like I did with him, which was a grave mistake when you focus your love to just one sole person; but to love people.
Those who needed it.
Those who deserved it.
Those who were forgotten.
Those who suffered.
Those who were lonely.
Those who always come back for you the way you always come back for them.

I hate him.
I hate him with all my heart.
For the betrayal, the lies, the pain, the love, too much love which no longer exist now, the same love which eventually killed the old me, for the promises he never meant to keep and for the glimpses of future he let me see but never want it to be.
I hate him.