The Sums of Us

Calm Before the Storm

(HERO)

Seen it all, endless nights and storm clouds brewing
A tired heart, 18 wheels and ash-vault moving.
I felt the hurt along the way, seen the tears roll down her face
Nothing could ever take her place
Out there on the road so alone
Home, finally home
Sometimes it's hard to stop a rolling stone
But whenever it may roll, it always seems to find its way back home

(Finally Home, Abby Ryder Fortson & Alex Roe)
~

Whitby was a small coastal town I should visited way earlier than now. Why? Because it was beautiful and if anyone needed a place to hide from the world, Whitby would be one of the perfect choice. Haskell drove to Whitby with Will's car. I protested when he wanted to bike all the way to Whitby. Fuck's sake, my kidney would blow by the time we arrived in Whitby. He ended borrowing Will's car. As he should.

It seemed illogical to me for him not to go back to Whitby anymore. How would one forget a beautiful place like this? Insane! Well, I didn't say it to him owing to his expression which screamed regret, in particular when we visited Harper's dad. He was shocked seeing Haskell on his doorsteps and that old man crying like a child in Haskell's arms. I pretended to admire his lawn and tried to be as far as I could from them. It was not only for courtesy to let them said their hellos after so many years apart, but due to my own emotional turmoil.

Imagine losing your girl, nah, in Haskell's case, Harper was his fiancee. I knew it was never made public but I was his bludclarts brother, innit? I knew they were engaged long before fame swept him away from her. Like my stupidity swept me away from her. Hence those gold wedding bands he had around his chain he wore everywhere he went. He never let her go. The same way I would never let her go from my mind, even if it just memories. She lived in me. Forever. And don't fucking tell me nothing is forever. In my mind, forever means forever. So imagine losing your fiancee owing it to your fault and later you abandoned her lonely father who lived alone in this small town they came from, the same town which you never came back again. Haskell was a mess himself. He had tons of guilt and he thought he carried an unpardonable sins. He blamed himself everyday, I was sure of that. The same as I blamed myself every single fucking day.

I knew Harper Lee would be heartbroken seeing Haskell today. He did all he could to tone for his sins but like he complaint to me, no matter how many things he did, nothing felt enough to get rid of the guilt. He said he needed something to finally free him from the guilt so he could live in peace knowing he had done justice to Harper. Which was crazy thinking. How could you got rid of guilt? You can't. You had to learn to live with it and swore to yourselves to be a better person. You lived with it and felt the pain so the pain reminded you all the time of your sins. That was how to deal with guilt. That was how you paid it.

In his case, the price was Harper would never come back and he would never be able to ask for her forgiveness. In my case, the price was losing her forever and seeing her living her life with others happily. So both of us were paying for our sins. We could never get rid of the guilt and the sins. Pardon or not, the sins remained in our mind as a testimony for our bastardy. We had to live with it. We somehow had to make peace with it. I didn't know how myself, but if we wanted to remain sane, we had to find ways.

We spent the whole day with her father. He cooked us lunch and brought us to a nice boating trip along River Esk until to the opening of the North Sea. He told me Haskell loved to accompany him for fishing trips during his school years. He told me about Haskell's house which was opposite his but now belonged to another family after Haskell's sold it years ago. He told me Haskell and Harper loved to sneak behind his back and went dating as far from Whitby as they could because here, everybody knew everybody. Nothing escaped his ears about them lovebirds. They even went as far as Robin Hood's Bay although it was actually just about 6 miles from Whitby. He remembered everything about them which made it painful for me to see and heard. His eyes were sad. Sadness and misery. Somehow, it hurt me too.