The Sums of Us

Fear

(HERO)

There goes my heart beating
'Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now
And there goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now
I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now

(You Are The Reason, Calum Scott)
~

London

Blown was applauded from not being a British stereotype spy movie. Well, congrats to mom for directing it to a right direction. She was happy with the outcome but she was prouder for me to star in it. They said I uncannily resemblance Uncle Ralph despite my own style of acting. I was satisfied with how I turned up in the movie. The process was painful owing to the timing between getting to know Max didn't married her, Haskell illness and my effort to get to her in my resolute aim to ask for her forgiveness. It was pure luck I finished the movie the way I did. The review was glowing but I was more happier for mom because this film had been in cold storage for years. She made it happened. For mom and for me.

The premiere forced me to leave LA and came back to London on early October. I succumbed to the demand of works knowing there was nothing I could do to get to her in New York. Paps were everywhere and it was not a good time to appear there. She would hate me more if I got caught in New York chasing after her when the gossips about me, her and Haskell still circulated in some websites and shitty magazines. Not only that, I refused to process her reaction to all those articles came out after the premiere of Blown. It was madness.

They got bunch of photos of me and Lysa talking, walking, posed for the red carpet and later few more after the after party of the premiere. Lysa was always flirty with me since the filming and I didn't fucking get it why she didn't understand I was not interested in her. I made it clear to her when she invited me to be her plus one to one of the event in London before Haskell's passing. I told her I had someone and I was not interested to any other open relationship. It seemed like she didn't get it clear enough. I can't avoid her during the premiere because it was my job to promote the movie with my co stars, which included her. As expected, the next day was mad with articles, paps photos and gossips about me and her. Somehow numbers of arseholes decided to sell our stories in tabloids as if it was facts. Fucking hell!

It angered me to think how easily these magazines printed such articles without verifying the truth. It angered me more to realize, she had became neurotics nowadays and I bet any kind of articles would defo aggravated her more. I was afraid if any of these shitty articles and gossips made it to her mind and she probably sold by it. I knew her too well. Her neurotic thinking might allow anything to stir her thinking when she was mad and angry. Like now. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! When all I needed was to get to her and convinced her about us. Fuck!!

God, Josephine. Trust me for once. Trust me, baby for once. I would never hurt you anymore. But as Josephine was, she disappeared and turned herself into fugitive from me. I managed to call Evan and caught up with each others life. He was moving to London with Kat within these few months and they might settle down finally on Christmas in London. Something to cheer me up and looked forward to. I could tell he loved her madly and I bet the marriage would be soon enough for them. They had been together for quite sometimes. He amazed me with the way he soberly settled down and being firm on his decision on life with her. Something I failed to do. Something time can't even erase the regret in me. Forgive me, Jo. I should had said yes but I didn't. Forgive me for hurting you.