Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Medical power of attorney

Months into a global pandemic having to stay at home, most of the time for me, except when I went out to go to work, and all the time for Sarah because she couldn't work at all, was beginning to give its problems.
She was frustrated, she was used to traveling, filming, shooting, going on interviews and talk shows, all the little she could do during those difficult times was always through a screen and as much as she tried it was clear that she didn't like it and it consequently made her very irritable.
My job wasn't helping because even though she was very understanding and caring with me not having anyone other than a kid as company all day was starting to probably make her feel a little alone. She had become a little more active on social media for that reason, but even that didn't seem to be enough and it was totally understandable. The situation was requiring a big effort from everyone but it just hit harder on some people than others.
"Sarah for the millionth time I don't know when this is going to be over" I said wrapping a towel around me and going out of the shower after a long night at work. She was looking at me sitting on a stool; not that I wouldn't have liked to be able to relax while I was in the shower but she needed company and that was me.
"Not even an optimistic prediction?" she said giving me the puppy look.
"I'm not going to give you an optimistic prediction because I don't know what you could do when you'll understand it was a wrong prediction" I said drying my hair with another towel.
"Is the situation so bad?"
"Don't you watch the news?!" I sighed.
"Not anymore" she whined.
"Oh my God" I finished dressing up and decided I didn't have enough mental health to blow dry my hair.
"I'm losing my mind, ain't I?" She said with shiny eyes.
I knew this was the point when it became serious because she usually never lost it like that for nothing.
"Hey, baby, look at me" I said making her look at me cupping her jaw with my hand.
"You're not losing your mind..." I said with a little smile "we just can't do more than we're doing"
"What are we doing...? I feel like I'm going to die in here, it's suffocating and..." she stopped mid sentence because of a sob.
"That's exactly how we're helping, we're staying home, we're protecting people and most of all we're doing this for Vanessa..."
"I know..." she wiped tears away with the back of her hand.
"Babe... I know how you feel-"
"Do you? Because it doesn't feel like it, plus you get to see the world outside" she said and I didn't know exactly why but that subtle rhetoric question was really bugging me.
I took a deep breath and repeated mentally that I wanted to be supportive, I wanted to be there for her, she was having a difficult time and I wanted to be there for her.
"I... Sarah, I literally only go to work and then I come straight back home... I practically bathe in sanitizer several times a day" I said trying to make it a joke to make her crack a little laugh.
"Well I'd like to go to work..." she said getting up from the stool she was sitting on and got past me like I wasn't even there.
"You know what... I'd give you one day of my job just to be able to ask you, at the end of it all, if you fucking liked it Sar..." I snapped looking at her just standing there in the doorway.
"So I can't miss my job now"
"I've never said that, but there is a line... you can miss your job, you can be upset, you are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel because God knows none knows how to handle this situation" I breathed before I could say something that I would've regretted later.
"What I don't deserve is you telling me that, at least, I get to go to work because the thing I was the most passionate about is turning into my living hell and I can assure you you wouldn't like this happening to you."
"Mommies..." We both heard Vanessa calling and turned around immediately. She was crying and it took me a second to understand it was because of us, we were arguing, she wasn't used to it and it made her anxious when people raised their voices in front of her because of her biological parents who argued a lot.
I was about to reach out for her but she just left and went back into her room.
"I'll... I can handle her" Sarah sighed.
"No, I'll go, you need a break" I said making my way to Vanessa's room not leaving room for any more debating.
I went to talk to Vanessa, she was in her bed and she was clenching her arms around her favorite stuffed animal, she always had it when she wasn't alright.
My heart shrank to the size of a walnut seeing what we had caused in a period that was already hard on its own without me and Sarah adding to that.
"Can I get in bed with you for a moment?" I asked and she didn't waste any time and nodded vigorously.
I got in bed with her and hugged her from behind soothingly kissing her nape.
"I'm sorry baby, we didn't mean to raise our voices it's just we are both very stressed and we know you are too, we're so sorry..." I said softly.
"Are you going to break up?" She asked in a broken voice.
"What... no, no way baby, definitely not happening" I said immediately to try and reassure her we weren't breaking up and she wasn't loosing anyone of us.
"Do you love her?" She asked suddenly and left me quite incredulous, that was one hell of a question for a kid her age.
"Yes, I do love her very much" I said. Without the slightest doubt I loved Sarah, she just... we just snapped a little more easily those days.
Vanessa nodded her head and left her stuffed animal to turn around and hug me instead. I hugged her back stroking her back soothingly.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"I've never been this sure of anything my life as much as I'm sure about the love I have for you and for Sarah" I said giving her little kisses on her forehead, demonstrating my love for her in every way possible.
"This is going to pass then?"
There, all she wanted, in the smallest sentence. Reassurance, love, safety. That's what she needed and what our little difference of opinions had caused.
"Of course sweetheart, before you know it" I said.
"Okay" she said finally taking a deep breath.
"You rest and don't worry okay? We're okay" I said getting up. Turning around to get out of the room I saw Sarah looking at us from the door.
I got past Sarah closing Vanessa's room's door, she followed me with her eyes not saying a word but she looked hurt, just like Vanessa before and I was sick of seeing this look on everyone's face and most of all on the face of the people I loved. I went back into mine and Sarah's bedroom and instantly my eyes filled with tears, my knees gave up on me and I just slid down to meet the floor. I just leaned my back against the bed and decided to let myself feel that, whatever that was, because I had the impression this wasn't the kind you could just bottle up and put away.
Sarah followed me into the room.
"Babe I didn't mean it..."
"It's fine" I cut her off because I didn't need anymore talking about that for the day.
"Yeah we both know it's not..."
I didn't have any energy left to continue so I just grabbed a pillow from the bed and lied there on the floor, still crying but it was getting better. After a few seconds of staring not sure about what she should've done or said fortunately she opted for not saying anything and just grabbed another pillow and lied down on the floor with me.
She didn't touch me or take my hand, it was already enough that she was there with me.
I felt the cold marble floor against the palms of my hands and the contrast between my body temperature and the coolness of the floor gave a pleasant feeling and helped me to remain in the moment, not losing myself into the nightmare that had become my life.
Once I stopped crying she spoke again.
"Can I know what we're doing now?"
I turned on my side to look at her.
"This is something Dr Lowen told me to do whenever I felt overwhelmed, by life, work... parenting..." I chuckled.
"So the doctor prescription was to... lie on the floor" she said skeptically.
"No she told me I had to be cold. I couldn't fit myself in the fridge so I chose to lie on the floor, I had never felt the need to do it since she had told me but this seemed a time I could've used it to 'cool down'".
"I'm sorry..." she said assuming that was her fault but it was not actually, in the bigger picture it was none's fault we all had just found ourselves there having to deal with something bigger than anything we had ever faced before.
"You have nothing to be sorry for we're both stressed, for different reasons and we snap, it's normal... If you really want to know I think it's healthy as long as we sort it out and don't go to bed angry"
"No, I shouldn't have said that, it was horrible, I didn't realize until you called me out. I don't know how you manage to do what you do."
"Again, this is my job, for better or for worse, I chose it and it's hard. All I wanted to say before was that I understand how you feel because you weren't used to stay at home this much, you always had something to do and even though you dress up for online interviews I know it's not enough for you. I know you want your life back and that... don't take it the wrong way, even though you love Vanessa being with her 24 hours a day for 7 days a week is a lot for someone who didn't even want children before me..." I said.
Her eyes watered as I was speaking and silent tears were falling out of her beautiful, big brown eyes as I finished talking. That's how she knew I understood her completely and deeply, I always knew how she felt even though she didn't want to tell me.
"Babe I don't deserve you" she cried scooting closer to hug me.
"Nonsense, you deserve even better, but since you can't leave the house you'll have to settle for me" I joked hoping it wasn't too early, fortunately she chuckled lightly and tightened her hug squeezing me a little.
"I am undoubtedly convinced that there is none better than you out there." She said kissing my cheek.
I held her closer to me, secretly thankful she didn't lose any chance to give me the reassurance my insecurities needed.
"Oh there is, but I'm glad you're with me" I said inhaling her perfume.
She kissed me and I kissed her back. It escalated quickly and before I could realize she was on top of me and my hands were under her sweater.
"Are we going to have sex on the floor?" She chuckled breaking the kiss.
"Do you even care where we have sex?" I asked.
"But, like, the bed's right here honey" she pointed at the bed with her thumb.
"Fine then..." I picked her up and put her on the bed, in that position I was now the one on top and while I was getting down to kiss her again my phone rang. We stopped immediately and exchanged a look. "God, I have to take it" I sighed.
She blocked my hips with her knees so that I couldn't move and flipped us both so that she was now on top and I was almost immobilized.
"Where the hell did you learn that?! Whatever Sarah I need to answer really" I said hoping the phone wouldn't stop ringing "look at the screen if it's Blythe or Dr Lowen give it to me immediately"
She checked the screen and passed me the phone with an eye roll.
"Hi Doctor Lowen, what's wrong?" I answered already assuming something must've been wrong if she was calling me while I wasn't even on call, but I was surprised when on the other side of the phone I heard not Dr Lowen but B.
Sarah seemed to have noticed my shocked expression and got off of me sitting beside me on the bed.
Me and B had a very quick exchange and when I hung up I felt panic clenching around my throat like a physical hand obstructing my airways. I stayed completely still for a few seconds in disbelief.
"What's up?" Sarah asked reading my behavior as a bad sign.
"She's got it.." was the only thing I was able to say.
"Who..." Sarah asked again.
"Dr Lowen, she's got the virus, B wants me to go over there, she's okay of course even if they have been in contact because she's already got it but a few other people have been quarantined so..."
"Oh damn" she said, not only because our sex had just been ruined but also because she knew how much Dr Lowen meant to me, she was my mentor.
"I have to go..." I said getting up to get dressed still trying to process what had happened.
"Babe, don't panic, don't do anything stupid, be safe and you'll see she's going to make it..." she said trying to make me slow down, but when panic mode was on it was hard.
"The fact is that she's right into the most vulnerable age span..." I said and as I said it a lump formed in my throat but I swallowed it down. It was too early, I had to get there and see for myself how serious this was.
"Don't think about that right now, you said it yourself that you can never know how it gets you, that it depends on the person"
"Yes but she's at higher risk" I said stopping and leaning against the wall to breathe.
"Yes, she is, but if she is going to get very ill she needs you to be lucid, you can't panic, you have to help her" she said cupping my face with her hands.
"Right, right, you're right. I'm going now..." I said and kissed her goodbye "don't tell Vanessa until I don't know how serious this is, she loves her too, I don't want to scare her" I said almost out of the door already.
"Of course. Keep me posted" I nodded put on my mask and closed the door behind me.
The journey to the hospital was quite lonely, the city that had always been so lively and chaotic was almost deserted and it gave me the creeps to see it like that.
A couple of officers also approached me to ask me where I was going but I didn't really have time to deal with them too so I did something I never usually did, I pulled out my phone and showed the call from the hospital so they let me go immediately.
Being a doctor in a pandemic couldn't only have downsides, it had to have its perks.
Once I arrived at the hospital I got inside and looked for B everywhere until I found her dealing with some patients whose beds had been left in the corridors because we had reached capacity and didn't have any more rooms and beds available.
That was a terrifying view not because of something that was happening in that moment but because we all knew that if something had happened we might not have been able to do anything to help.
"You're here, finally" B said.
"I'm here, how is she?" I asked.
"She's hum.. stable but unconscious" she said "for now"
"Be more optimistic about her, please, I beg you"
"I can't be too optimistic around you, I don't want you to be influenced and maybe make the wrong call based off of wrong assumptions" she explained.
"Whoa what the hell does it mean?" I asked not understanding.
"You don't know?!" She almost shouted "She designated you as her medical power of attorney!"
Fuck.
"Sylvia clearly you didn't know and I am so sorry this is happening but there's her only daughter in the waiting room and she... well, she doesn't understand"
"What the hell doesn't she understand, she's never been there for her"
"That's what Lowen told you but you don't know the story from her point of view and-"
"I don't wanna know any fucking point of view if I'm the one who's going to make decisions for her life" I yelled in the middle of an hallway.
"You stop this right now, am I clear?" She said "do you have any idea how many things she left on my shoulders since she's got the stupid virus?! Yes, we always said between us this hospital was going to crumble down without her, well here we are, it is crumbling down on me, damn! So you don't get to lose your mind now, you save her and save me too!" She added making the situation very clear even though terrifying. How were two less than residents going to manage this?! I mean we had just got out of med school we knew nothing at all aside from useless textbooks.
"Not to put any pressure on me right?!" I said, my hand already pushing the door to the waiting room were Dr Lowen's daughter was.
"Don't mess it up" were the last words I heard from my best friend.
Useless to say that encounter couldn't have gone any differently... she really was dickhead. We only exchanged a few words but I had already had enough the moment she started yelling at me that I only wanted her money and her job when the only thing I really wanted was for her to survive.
"How did it go" B asked the moment I entered the room.
"It depends" I said.
"On what?!" She asked dropping all the files she was reading on the table.
"Is it socially acceptable to call someone a dickhead?" I asked ironically.
She sighed "what did you do..."
"I'm sorry okay?! In my defense, she really is an idiot" I said.
"Oh God" B said massaging her temples, I wasn't sure if she was going to have a heart attack or just fake one so that she could step away from all those responsibilities. Thinking about it it didn't seem like a bad plan.
Our escape plan was interrupted by our pagers beeping noises invading the otherwise silent room.
"It's her, she's crushing" B said giving a rapid glance at me.
"I'm coming with you"
"No, I have strict instructions to treat you like a relative... so no, please I've already broken many rules" she said implying that I shouldn't have even been allowed to talk to her like we were doing but just professionally, or be with her in the staff room.
I let her go because I didn't want to cause anymore trouble.
As soon as she left the room I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Sarah's number.
"Babe what's up?" She asked answering the call immediately.
"She's not doing well Sarah... not at all..." I said, I needed someone to talk to and she was the only one I knew for sure that would listen.
"Babe, she's gon-"
"No you don't understand she chose me, to make decisions for her... I can't do that I'm not... I'm not competent enough..."
"Stop, I know what you're going to say... No, listen to me, no" she said firmly.
"You're competent, wise, intelligent.. she knows that, she trusts you with her life!" She said like it was something to be happy about "of all people she chose you... Listen you may, after all this time, not believe in yourself but we know, do you hear me?! We believe in you enough to trust you with our lives!" She said.
She would trust me with her own life?!
I thought about what she had said for a moment.
"Sarah I'm scared... I'm scared she's going to die and I don't know what to do to avoid it"
"I know babe, you just do your best, you stay with her and you'll see..." she said.
I distractedly played with a little box in pocket.
"She's too important, she's like my mother... only that she's here, while my real mother's in Italy..."
"Oh I know babe, that's why I know you're going to do your best..." she said on the other side of the phone.
"Thank you for this Sar..." I said "I know I can be difficult sometimes..."
"I wouldn't want it any different" she said making me smile "you go do your magic, we're going to wait for you"
"I love you so much"
"I love you too" she said before hanging up.
Talking to her was like getting an injection of self esteem, she always managed to make me feel like nothing could defeat me.
I got the little box out of my pocket, I played with it distractedly in my hands. She would trust me with her own life was the only thing I could think about.
I switched it open and looked at the shiny gemstone on top... I remembered feeling the absurd fear that it wasn't big enough but I also remembered that all my savings and my first few intern salaries had been spent  to buy it so whatever, big or small, that was it.
We're going to have to wait a little more...
Thinking how I wanted to propose to her that night was overwhelming and it already felt like a so distant dream with this other nightmare that had fallen right on me. I had thought I could've done it after dinner, casually, or maybe while cooking dinner... maybe when she was helping me gather the ingredients, as she always liked to say she was helping me cook but she wasn't doing that much. The thought of it made me smile... Or it could've been in the fridge, or on her plate just before we sat at the dinner table... I had thought of so many things it felt odd to think that now it all was postponed to God knew when.
The fact that we had had that little argument earlier that day made it the perfect day to do it as she was not expecting anything at all, less than anything a proposal.
All at once I was invaded by the fear she could've said no... no matter how confident I was whenever it came to this matter I always felt like a damn baby in comparison to the woman she was. I wanted to be enough for her, I wanted her to want to spend the rest of our lives together but that little chance that she could've said no wouldn't want to leave my mind...
I distractedly kissed the top of that little box and put it back in pocket as I heard steps approaching. None knew about this except Dr Lowen and that's how I wanted it to remain.
If she's going to die, my proposal dies with her.
I thought to give me strength and motivation  to do my best, not that I wouldn't have otherwise but I worked better with a goal and that goal was to have her at my wedding.

Cool, is she going to propose? Probably... maybe she will, maybe she won't, who knows.
I know you probably think I'm crazy and that I'm going to continue this until one of them dies but... yeah that's what I'm going to do 😅 maybe... or maybe not 😂.
Hope you liked the chapter and that this is not getting boring, I feel none likes it anymore. You can tell me if it's time to end it I would understand ☺️.
I love you guys, and thank you so much for all the views and comments, you are literally the best and I never thought one of my stories could get so many views💗