Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Chrysanthemums

"so what's up next?" i asked adjusting myself on the sofa because the guitar pressed too much against my wound.
"we can stop if you're tired"
"what? absolutely not" i said "we only played one i needed to warm up a little bit"
"you choose this time" she said laying back on her hand on the carpet.
"mmh that's hard, you sure you don't want to choose?"
"yeah you choose"
I had a lot of songs in mind but then something flashed in my memory and left me quite surprised because it didn't even feel like my memory but it had to be because it was me and Sarah sitting on that same sofa and i was singing Italian songs to her. I suddenly remembered what the song was and decided that would be my choice for my turn.
I started playing and she rolled her eyes at me when she realized i was singing in italian but she smiled and went on listening. Saying those words now seemed so weird like it had been a hundred years ago since i had sang them to Sarah for the first time.
"i wanna learn italian" she said and that finally brought to my mind the reason why i sang that song to Sarah in the first place.
"i could teach you if you really want to but it is hard to learn"
"how can i talk to your parents if i don't know italian" and the fact that was what she was thinking made me smile.
"Your grandparents speak english and my mom is american" i said.
"yeah but it's not like i can take it for granted" she said.
"what?"
"that they speak english, it's not like they have to"
"of course, then do you want me to teach you?"
"yes please"
"okay let's start by calling me mamma from now on" i chuckled.
"mama?" she asked
"there's two Ms in the middle" i said, she struggled with the double m but it was good as a starting point.
"mamma"
"yes, that's it" i said as she finally got it right "so if you see me and you want to say 'hello mommy' you can say 'ciao mamma'" i said thinking about starting with something not too difficult.
"ciao mamma" she giggled waving at me from the carpet.
"ciao amore mio" i said and tapped on the the sofa next to me so she crawled next to me.
"what's that?"
"it means 'hello my love'"
"oh okay that's nice... how do i say i don't want to leave you?" she asked but it was clear she was just trying to express her feelings about the custody trial.
"you're not going to leave and we aren't going to leave you either" i said pulling her closer in a hug.
"how do i say i don't wanna go back to her and i wanna visit italy"
"we will go there i promise and i will teach you how to swim and you will meet all of my little cousins that will be delighted to meet you, how does it sound?"
"it sounds good but-"
"no buts baby.. it's too early for this" i said kissing the top of her head.
"good morning my ladies, why did none wake me up?" Sarah said appearing from behind the sofa we were sitting on and kissed both of us on the head.
"i thought you could use some extra sleep and also there was no reason at all to not let you sleep" i said.
"did you have breakfast already?"
"yes, princess said pancakes and i made pancakes for the princess" i said, i had been spoiling her a little lately but she did deserve it without the slightest doubt, she had been handling things with a strength i had no idea she had.
"oh i see, so..." sarah said but her eyes noticed the guitar next to the couch "were... were you playing babe?" she asked.
"yeah we played a couple of songs, literally, just two" i said.
"mhmh yes i had the impression you were playing guitar"
"did i wake you up?" i asked "i'm sorry babe, we tried to be as quiet as possible"
"you didn't wake me up and even if you had what better awakening could i ever ask for?"
"do you like when mom plays guitar?" Vanessa asked her.
"of course i do, i am in awe of the fact she can play literally anything with that guitar"
"oh i didn't know that"
"why, did i ever say i didn't like it?" Sarah asked her sitting beside her.
"no it's just, you look kinda sad when she plays"
"i'm... i'm not sad, it just makes me remember a lot of things, all good things and i sometimes wander in those memories so that's all" Sarah said.
I once again was in awe of the fact a kid could pick up so much, she observed a lot, that was a fact, she was very quiet and much of a thinker and that's how she was similar to me but she had a way of getting into people's feelings that was just sarah's.
"okay, as long as you're not sad i'm happy"
"baby girl" she said going down to hug her but her hands didn't stop on her, she lightly brushed my shoulder and smiled at me as she leaned down to plant another kiss on Vanessa's cheek "i love you so much"
"i love you too" she lingered into the hug a little more now that we had practically formed a sandwich with her in the middle. She didn't mind it, actually, she loved it, she loved tiny spaces, they made her feel secure probably because the world had been too big for her alone one too many times.
"what did we say about staying in your pajamas for too long though?" sarah said as she freed her from her hug.
"it messes up my sleep and it's not healthy"
"very good, so off you go" Sarah said and Vanessa went to get dressed, she didn't like being in her pajamas for too long either because it reminded her of when she was in the hospital.
"i'm going to make myself a cup of tea, i need to wake up" Sarah said, her hands leaving my arm left a cold sensation on my skin.
"sure..." i said.
I got comfortable on the sofa, laid myself back and i put the guitar back on my stomach and started playing randomly whatever came to my mind even things i wasn't sure already existed as i dived a little deeper in my thoughts.
"what's that? i think i know that"
"it's-"
"no don't tell me just keep playing" she said as she closed her eyes.
"oh my, i know, it's that italian song you played for me when i still wanted to learn italian to impress you" she giggled.
"impress me?"
"who else?"
"no it's hilarious that you'd even think you'd need to do something to impress me"
"you know i really liked you and as i realized you actually didn't care about all the small 'vip' benefits i got scared bc i didn't know why you'd want to be with me"
"what?!" i asked as the conversation went inevitably a way i couldn't have imagined "sarah i am in love with you, i am not with you because i want something from you, i want all of you" I said.
"i just hadn't realized then..." she said smiling a little, I know she had something else in mind but i just was a little afraid to ask.
"but i always told you..."
"yeah, but you know you believe something when you're ready to believe it" she said.
"anyway i'm... i was just doing this thing to try and get back into my hobbies... me and dr Frome have been talking about this, he says that i should try doing the things i like again... so i was-"
"why are you nervous about it?" she said noticing how chaotic my speech was.
"i'm... it's just everything i do lately seems to make you kinda sad or overall weird towards me" i said.
"i'm not being weird babe, i've just had my mind too much into this thing, we had our first hearing and i didn't like the vibe i got so that's just worrying me a little more than i would normally allow it to" she said.
"oh babe, you and Vanessa both seem to have the same issues today.." i said pulling her in for a hug and she snuggled up in my arms.
"how are you? i mean really"
"i am terrified... of course i am... that's why i'm trying to find a distraction until there's something i can actually do to get us out of this situation" i said stroking her arm.
"do you think we could actually do something?"
"i have no idea, but the thought we eventually might makes me feel less useless"
"yeah i think i get that" she sighed "but in the meantime... i know a really good distraction" she smirked and made me laugh.
"such as your therapy in.. one hour?"
"well... one hour is far more than we need" she said leaving a slow sloppy kiss on my lips, not that she needed to convince me anyway because i dived right into the kiss but of course if it wasn't the thought of Vanessa in the other room something else had to interrupt us, this time, the doorbell.
"I cannot believe the timing... oh my... who the hell is this"
"i have no idea" Sarah said getting up to go see who it was.
I had barely had the time to actually get up from the sofa when someone i thought was sarah stormed into the room.
"Eve?" i asked "what is going on?"
"sit down" she commanded.
"of course... i had just got up... but yeah, sure"
"What the hell is going on?!" Sarah asked, preoccupation taking over her.
"She's got what she wanted, they're taking the custody..."
"What?!"
"Who?"
"Social services" she panted like she had been running "for now at least"
"Oh my god... When?!"
"sometime today... I had to tell you, I couldn't let it happen without you hearing it from me"
"Eve... what happened, you told me you could handle it... you told me she'd stay with us" i asked, tears threatening to start pouring from my eyes.
"I know what i told you and normally i would've handled it fine but they just seem to be always ten steps ahead of us" she said.
"mommy what's happening?" Vanessa had come back into the living room fully dressed because she must've heard our voices.
"baby... come here" i said reaching out for her, she came to sit on my lap and Sarah came next to me on the sofa too.
"you have to listen to me now, very carefully do you hear me?" i said making sure she looked at me in the eyes but she looked terrified.
"We're going to need to be apart for a few days..."
"why?" she asked quickly.
"because you can't stay with us these days because we have a lot of things to do and we can't be together but it will not take long"
"how long?"
"i don't know yet baby but it will be shortest time possible i promise you that"
"is grandma going to stay with me like when you go to therapy?"
"no... no baby, you're going to stay with Ana..."
"why her... why can't it be someone else... pls someone else" grasping at my wrist as my hands cupped her face.
"it has to be her baby... do you trust me?" she nodded lightly.
"so believe me when i tell you it's going to be the shortest time possible" i said.
"why are you crying then?"
"I... I'm crying because i will miss you a lot, we will miss you a lot" i said trying not to sob.
"it will be okay baby, we will make sure you are comfortable and that you have all you need..." Sarah said taking over because she saw i wasn't able to go on.
"look at me... just look at me, we will not leave you alone... you're going to come back home before you can realize..." her voice was soothing and calm even though tears streamed profusely down her cheeks.
"my beautiful girl, we love you so much baby girl, you are our beautiful, caring, smart, kind daughter and we couldn't have been luckier. You're going to be sleeping in your room again very soon" she said kissing her forehead.
"but i don't want to go with her" Vanessa sobbed.
I couldn't hear it, it made my heart explode in my chest, I had to turn the opposite way trying to suffocate sobs putting my hand over my mouth without tearing all the stitches.
"you have to baby girl... if we could decide you'd never leave but you're going to come back soon" Sarah said.
"is it her? is my mother doing this?"
As smart as she was it was impossible that she wouldn't understand.
"Yes honey but you're not going to be with her... Ana will be taking care of you, you can say anything to her"
It took longer and we had to try harder than that to calm her down but Sarah somehow managed to convince her to help her pack her bag.
"Sylvia listen, i am so sorry" Eve said sitting on the sofa next to me as Sarah and Vanessa had gone pack some of her things.
"did you do anything that was in your power?" i asked brushing tears away from my chin with the back of my hand.
"yes! yes, i did" she said.
"then it's fine, you did all you could" i said.
"i still wish i could've done more" she rubbed my back in a comforting gesture.
"me too..." i said.
The phone ringtone brought me back to a very thin semblance of self control. It wasn't weird hearing my phone ringing because i always had it on the maximum volume in case of hospital emergencies but surely i hadn't thought about waiting for a call from the social worker that was going to take my child away.
"I already know" I answered the phone without all the usual pleasantries because i didn't have the strength to fake them.
"I am so sorry... I know that you are the best parents for her, eventually they will know too" the social worker said at the other end of the phone "I called to give you a little advantage, i'll be there in around ten minutes"
"thanks for the ten minutes then"
"I wish i could do more"
"Take good care of her, just do this please" i said.
"i will" she said. We both silently agreed to hanging up after that.
"You can stay if you want... but it won't be a good show"
"i'm staying for you..." she squeezed my hand before i got up to inform Sarah of our last ten minutes.
"Babies... she called, she'll be here in ten" i said.
"i'd like to say we're not ready but we are..." Sarah said finally closing up the bag.
"Isn't there really anything that you can do?" Vanessa whined.
"baby... I would've already done it" I said sitting on the bed as she stood between my legs.
"you're going to be okay... none is going to hurt you and it's not going to be long" Sarah reiterated, at this point more to herself than anyone else.
"i am not used to being alone anymore" she sobbed.
"you will not be alone because we are always with you, my sweet girl..." i looked around because i remembered she had a picture of the three of us i had taken that day at the park and then got it printed so that she could put her on her bedside table. I freed it from the frame because it was easier like that and i gave it to her "we are always with you baby, just look at this and we'll be with you until we can look at each other again okay?"
"promise me it's not the last time i see you" she said and my heart kinda dropped because how could i promise... Had things gone the wrong way that could've probably been the last time we saw each other.
"i'm sorry to interrupt you but they're here" Eve said letting us know our time was up.
"I promise baby" i said finally because she i would've rather seen her less worried as we had to separate.
We hugged tightly, the three of us, like we could leave our print on each other's bodies.
"okay" she said walking out the room even before us, she had an immense courage for a kid and it showed in how she was capable to live up to the situation, no matter what it required.
"Sarah... Sylvia" Ana began.
"please don't... it's not necessary, just do what you have to do" Sarah said as her hand frantically looked for mine under my sleeve and when it found it she squeezed my hand, I squeezed back to tell her i knew how in pain she was and that i was too.
"okay... i just.. i will not let anything happen to her" she said, but she was a disaster besides the talkativeness and that possibly scared me even more.
By the time we closed the door behind them Sarah had been digging her nails in my skin for so long that i had lost all sensibility.
"what did you do..." she whimpered "you promised her" ad the door closed she hid her face in her hands.
"what could i do... i couldn't tell her that was possible"
"you made a promise that you can't keep because it's not up to you..."
"i know but i just couldn't tell her the truth because i can't yet admit it to myself" i said erupting in sobs more violent than before and this time i didn't manage it too well because i actually felt a pang of pain.
"come with me..." she said returning colder as she did lately whenever she acknowledged one of the moments i had to fight the pain.
She took me back to the sofa and helped me sit down.
"did i tear it? B will kill me if it happens again" i asked as she carefully examined the zone.
"no fortunately it's fine" she said putting my t shirt down again.
"what do we do now, Sar..."
"I have no idea" she sighed.
"I wasn't expecting it... the day had started significantly better and now..."
"I know... can you hear it? silence... it's terrifying"
"i know, i was thinking i already miss the sound of her tiny feet tapping on the floor as she's always running around somewhere..." I said.
She exploded in tears and i was not expecting it even though i was crying too so i didn't even understand why that would take me by surprise.
"hey... come here babe" i opened my arms for her and she sat on my lap laying her head in the crook of my neck "I'm here for you... just so you know you can tell me anything"
She sobbed harder and i didn't know how to comfort her, I could only hold her and kiss her forehead.
"okay... Wanna know what we did this morning?" I asked and she nodded slightly.
"We played songs on the guitar and she sang... she's very good, I think this could really be her thing... and we learned a little Italian bc she wants to be able to talk to my family when she will meet them" I chuckled playing with her hair distractedly "not that she's ready for conversations but she called me mamma and i know she already calls me mum but that brought a whole new feeling. I don't know how to explain it but she's ours Sarah... and we're hers and there is no way people could not see this, we have something and I don't know what that's called but I can feel it."
She was looking at me like she was seeing me for the first time "do you actually believe we can get her back?".
"I do... if they don't want to believe us they'll have to believe her, she has a say in this... she's old enough to understand so if she wants to be with us they can't ignore it"
"I so would like to know what she did to her... I mean she came back for her but Vanessa still doesn't look like she wants to go back to her"
"Are you sure you'd want to know that..."
"Wouldn't you?" She asked as if she was surprised by my question.
"No... I think I... I don't think I'm the right place, mentally... to know that" I struggled to get it out because I wasn't still completely comfortable sharing a lot more than I usually would've.
"No, you're right, I get it, I didn't think it through..." she said.
"It's my thought though so if you'd like to know that'd be your choice" I said.
"well it's not like we can actually know so..." she sighed.
"yeah... i don't wanna know, i don't even know how i'm going to just sit here and do nothing"
"what could you do..."
"i don't know and i feel useless"
"you are not... you can't solve the problem but you could be with me through it..." she said her eyes glowing in tears again.
"i am always with you, i just wish i could do more..."
"it's not your fault, you don't have to make up for anything" she said as she hugged me tight.
"yeah..." i sighed hugging her back just as tight.