When Shadows Fall | BTS Kim Namjoon

Chapter 39: Overthinking

Plopping down on my bed, I shifted to sit cross-legged and towelled off my hair. I'd gone skating today and skated hard, hard enough to warrant a shower afterwards. Part of what had driven me so hard was the sheer joy of physical exertion; a smaller but significant part was me running from the new meaning the ice rink had taken on after Namjoon's sudden confession weeks ago.

The guilt I felt at my response had simmered down to be much less painful than before, but his disappointment and hurt still came to mind every time I thought of him. His messages and calls being so deliberately normal had helped a lot – he was obviously trying hard to do as I'd asked and stay as just friends. I was trying too, trying so hard, but things still didn't feel right.

Shaking my head slightly, I sponged at the dampest ends of my hair and then draped my towel over an empty laundry basket. I'd hang it up in a few minutes, but first it was time for the daily check for a history test grade.

I really didn't understand how the professor was allowed to take so long to grade things, but I supposed as a tenured professor he could afford to do things the way he wanted to do them at the pace he found most appealing. And if that was a snail's pace, well, I'd just have to deal with it.

Logging on to the site, I crossed my fingers as it loaded. There were no new notifications, which meant no new grades, but I went to the history course's grade section anyways. No new results there either – just the terrible test grade from last time that still gave me anxiety when I thought about it.

Oh well. I logged off and went to check my email. Nothing exciting there, although I took another look at the email Namjoon had sent with my ticket.

I'd been a little bit surprised that he had still gotten me a ticket, but he really was treating me as though he'd never said a thing about his feelings. For a few minutes when I'd first gotten the email I'd stared at it and contemplated sending a reply back, saying I didn't think it was fair for him to be giving me a free ticket and I didn't want to make things weird between us. I'd decided eventually, though, that if he was going to ignore his confession then so was I. Besides, I was sure that returning the ticket would make things worse than just attending would.

The concert wasn't until mid-December, still weeks away, but I was already starting to worry a bit about what it would be like. Was I supposed to dress up, would there be huge lines outside, would I actually be able to see him without binoculars – so many questions. Thankfully he'd given his parents and Areum tickets too, so they'd agreed to meet me before the concert and go together. They were much more experienced concert-goers, I was sure.

I still had to figure out, though, my question of what to expect musically. I'd listened to a few songs from Namjoon's band, but certainly not all – and probably only a couple that were likely to be played in a concert, I was guessing. I thought it would be nice to remedy that beforehand.

So, after hanging up my towel, I dove into his group's music. I spent a couple minutes scrolling indecisively as I tried to decide which, exactly, of their songs I should start with, but decided to stick with what would be easiest – chronologically. There was no way I was making it through his band's entire discography in one sitting, or one day even. Going by dates would help me be able to jump back in without accidentally listening to things twice or skipping things.

That was my plan, anyways. When the first song of the first album started with an anxiety-inducing recorded English voice, I almost regretted it, but then the actual music came in with some deliciously old-school record scratching and I had to grin. As I adjusted my headphones, slid my phone into my back pocket, and got up to start a load of laundry, the grin wouldn't go away – to think that they'd started with this music style, and come to the more polished pop sounds I'd heard in some of their more recent songs? I couldn't wait to listen to the transformation.