Hello it's 3 am and I can't sleep because I cannot stop thinking.
Life has been so bad lately and I mean BAD. I know we're all having a rough year but fuck I did not expect this. I've quite literally never felt so alone. I've never felt more embarrassed to be me than I ever have. I hate the idea of me again, who am I?
I've changed so so much which is good but at the same time I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm letting past me down so hard and it's a constant battle in my head.
Old me vs new me.
I can't stop playing scenarios in my head that only hurt me more than I am. Why did he do that to me? Why? I gave him everything. Maybe that was the problem. I kept giving without receiving and I didn't care. I can't move on from this guys I'm so stuck. I keep thinking "what if" and then I get nauseous. Please please if you are young please take your time to know someone.
Don't be like me, other people DO find you beautiful and attractive and they DO want a chance with you. They do.
It's so hard to move on. Even tho I know it's the best choice for me I can't fucking move. I'm in shock. Me?? This happened to me??
I'm so fucking sick to my stomach of myself. I'm repulsed by every mirror I go to. How could I stoop this fucking low. I'm so sick of getting high every night just to cry myself to sleep. I'm sick of my all never being enough. I'm so so sick life. I hate being here right now. Things aren't getting better fast enough. I'm hurt and when I hurt I just wanna run. I wanna run from everyone and everything.
I wanna fuckin disappear, be invisible. Just a ghost, how cool would it be to not be seen?? Fuck. To not have to bond and get hurt?? To just pass the time freely.
I give up. I give up on everything I've ever had hopes for. Please someone erase my memories. Make me forget about these past three years. About now and everything else.
I would give anything to get butterflies around him again. To feel warm when he called me beautiful. To genuinely smile when he would hug me.
Now I feel dirty. I feel stupid. I feel used. I feel like the dumbass that's always around.
When will this end? How will it end?
I just want good news, please I just want good news for once in this shitty year.
I don't wanna wake up anymore. I give up. Maybe when I leave they will finally realize I was just trying to help. But why does it always take me to leave for someone to see I'm special : (
Why does it always take seeing me in complete waste for him to love me.
I don't know anything anymore. I don't know...
