I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of how I sound of how I walk of how I look. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror for a solid week. I don't want to, I can't.
I hate how I can be perfectly fine one moment and wanting to bawl my eyes out the next. I just want to be normal I just want to be smart and pretty.
As soon as my eyes shut I can see all the shit I regret, all the mistakes I've made. They just come out of nowhere and it brings me so down.
I'm so tired of myself I don't know how much longer I can stand on my own two feet. Since 8th grade I've been feeling like this. Freshmen year just made I worse. All those times I cried in the bathroom just made me feel weaker then I already am.
I just want to be normal, to be like all the kids I see at my school that look like they have the confidence of a million people.
The worst part is I can't really talk about this to anybody because it makes me feel weak. Needing help makes me feel weak and that just tears me down even more.
You know how scary it is to remember that I was planing to kill myself freshmen year. I wanted to sooo bad. I begged god to just take me in my sleep.
I hate the thought that I might be depressed. I
dont want to believe it.
I know barely anyone reads this but it helps to get it out. Sometimes I remember all those times I cried myself to sleep in freshmen year. That summer spent in my bed. I'm such a fucking waste of space. I can't do shit right. I'm terrible at showing people I care about them, I'm fucking ugly, my body is ugly, I can't do basic math, I'm failing English, I have no motivation.
Fuck. Sometimes I don't want to die, I just want to disappear and watch. From above just watch and not be involved in anything. Just me and myself.
I know how much I would hurt my family if I did decide to do it. I don't wanna hurt my family but I really don't want to be here anymore. I feel like each month my feet just can't support my own weight.
Fuck, I'm so fucked in the head. I act tough and sometimes I am. But I hate feeling weak and that's all I've been feeling since 8th grade. Weak and dumb, weak and useless, weak and a waste.
