So i really wonder why it feels like every year my mood just fucking drops. I don't wanna go to school anymore, I wanna do home school. 9th grade took a big part of me y'all I can't lie. Freshmen year I lost everything.
I lost ALL my friends, and because of that I lost my ability to socialize, i lost my family, I lost all my hope really. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm serious.
Can you believe one the second day of school my math teacher called home to tell my parent he could already see I couldn't make it?
My parents told me and I broke down because I've been struggling with math for so long and it's stupid. I'm stupid, that's all I could hear while my parents talked to me. That's all I can hear when my teacher spoke to me
"Sofia is struggling"
"She needs help"
I've heard this all my life and it hurts. It fucking hurts to know you that no matter how hard you try you are still behind. I swear "Sofia needs help" rings in my head sometimes and I just cry.
Because in reality I do need help but I've been taught to hide my feeling and I bottle them up so far down that sometimes it's to much and they come out exploding in the form of frustrated tears
I don't know how to ask for help because I'm afraid. I'm afraid they'll find out how stupid I really am.
One time in math intervention we had a sub and he came to 'help' me with my work and I didn't want him to help. He asked me
What's 3x7"
I don't know" I whispered already feeling eyes on me
He looked at me and kept asking me and I just shook my head and he says
How did they ever let you out of elementary"
And I swear I will never forget that moment, cuz it's something that hurt me so bad. I remember just sitting there with tears in my eyes trying not to cry because I already know how fucking dumb I am I didn't need him telling me
I'm actually crying while writing that. The memory is so vivid. So fucking real to me still
My math teacher in 8th grade saw my work and said
"Don't you wanna make your parents proud?"
I remember she kept me after to tell me I needed serious help and was at a third grade level. I remember nodding along because I could already feel the knot in my throat. After I walked to the bathroom and cried. Cried because she was right. Cried because I really didn't see myself making it past that year.
This is something I've never told anybody but I was actually planning to kill myself. I fucking hate that I thought about that because that's not the answer but I was so tiered. I really thought nobody cared about me.
A couple days later I got super sick and ended up at the hospital. I was gone three days from school and I remember my friends weren't there on the day I came back to I went to my fave teachers class
Sofia why where you gone so long?"
I was sick, something was up with my stomach and I went to the hospital"
Are better now?"
Yes mr.jubitz thank you"
Okay just know anything you need, I'm here. Anything"
He is such a nice teacher and he would always let me get some granola bars from his desk, such a nice guy.
Okay sorry I got really sappy I don't usually do this but I've been struggling and decided to share some of my stuff and say
No matter what anybody says, you fucking matter. Your life matters. Don't let anybody talk you down I know it's hard but I'm here if anyone wants to talk. Reach out to me and my hand will be there. Thank you frens
Carry on you beautiful killjoys
