Never Surrender [ Snape x Lupin ]

Chapter Nineteen

There is this thing about being an intelligent adult, that never showed up in class without having the homework done as a student, that can be quite dangerous. When you make a human being sit down in a classroom for most of his life, regardless if it's a wizard or muggle, they will eventually hold on to something to define them, to differentiate them from other students. And if you are the quiet, polite, punctual, smart kid that never disappointed a single teacher, that will be your grades. And after listening for years that your grades qualify you to potentially be a decent member of society, you will also, eventually, attach your self-worth to the quality of your studies. And one day, that will translate into the quality of your work. If you have one.

And that was the dangerous trap Remus was caught up in, although he didn't understand precisely where all the frustration was coming from. It never escaped his notice that life would be unfair to him on many levels since he was a werewolf. And to someone who reluctantly got used to being sent away or resign not to raise any suspicions, he found himself to be uncharacteristically pessimistic about his life. It felt unfair, maybe because it was indeed unfair. But this was a different way of life being unreasonable to him. It was insulting. Because he knew he could do better, he knew he had the brains and abilities to be set in far better jobs than he ever even dared to apply for. The reference he had for himself was that he had always been one of the best students in class and also one of the most dedicated ones. But when unable to be measured by those standards, Lupin felt like there was absolutely nothing about him that counted for something.

Severus knew Remus was facing some hard times, so he respected his space on the first few days they shared his house. Make no mistake, Remus had become way too good at lying about being ok to everyone around him. He couldn't lie completely to Severus, but he knew his way into making it look far less concerning than it actually was. Overall, he became good at lying to himself, always claiming he wasn't "unwell enough" to bother someone else with it. Especially if he believed the solution lied only with himself.

It was hard to define how the first week in Cokeworth was. Calling it tough would imply conflict, but there wasn't any, being close to each other ran rather smoothly considering the history they had. Remus and Severus were, above many things, introverts. And it can only mean that to recharge their energy spent in the craziness of the last month, they would need lots of quiet time and silence. Which they never even had to talk about, it was an agreement they both understood on the first day without exchanging a single word.

Remus was surprised to see Severus actually relaxed. Snape would always wake up early at Hogwarts, no matter the day. But at his home and during vacation, seemed like his body needed to catch up on the sleep. In the first days, Remus even asked him if he was sick but Severus only answered it was quite normal for him to oversleep in the first days after the semester was over. His showers were longer and warmer, he didn't forget to eat and Remus finally had a real glimpse of his musical taste. They were both exhausted, but Severus was glad to have Remus' company, especially after realizing he was such a pleasant and understanding person with his need for quiet time.

When the first days of oversleeping were over and Severus recharged a reasonable part of his energy, he started to be more present with Remus. Not that he wasn't before, he made sure to make Lupin feel home and comfortable, but now he wanted to share more than comfortable silence with him. He had been missing Remus for so long it even hurt to remember.

That's when Snape started to notice Lupin was positively hiding his feelings from him. He never answered anything about how he felt, he'd always change the subject. Remus had always been a good listener, but it was noticeable to Snape that Lupin had been too careful and selective with his words.

Sometimes there seemed to be a grey haze around him, Severus noticed, something that projected a spectrum of melancholy over all Lupin's feelings. And It was only fair. He had been through a lot in the past few months and now he finally had a safe place to have the luxury of feeling unwell. As unwell as he had to feel. And Severus, understanding much of that vibe himself, let him mourn peacefully.