Before Take Off

27. how to trust

My biggest fear in the whole world is winning you. Because if I win you, I will gradually learn trusting you. If I trust you, I might fall in love with you. If I fall in love with you, I might lose you. And if I lose you, I will lose myself too.

*

A faint beam of light was breaking through the car window which had completely fogged up. I blinked my eyes for a couple of times before opening them completely and realizing that my half naked body was displeasingly close to hypothermia. I looked around with bleary eyes and noticed that it was a bit past dawn, and it was the coldest hours of the day. Lewis was still asleep on the passenger seat, his ashy light brown hair disheveled and messily falling over his chiseled face. Faint light of the morning sun was brushing over his masculine facial features, lightening up his slight roman nose and half-dome cheekbones. I tilted my head slightly to take in his beauty before letting the reality sweep over me.

We've slept together.

Trying to be as quiet as I can be, I quickly rose up on my knees to search for my hoodie which last night I had hastily thrown off to somewhere in the backseat of the car in the heat of the moment. After throwing it on in a flash, I started off looking for my pants since I was this close to freezing to death. Apparently, we hadn't been on the best state of our minds when we had jumped onto each other the night before since it wasn't the best move to doze off in a car in the middle of nowhere.

I stepped out of the car to get some fresh air since it was running low on oxygen in the car. Leaning against the Volvo and drawing in the fresh morning air was the perfect hit to get my nearly frozen and hypoxic brain cells moving.

It wasn't surprising that I've managed to get laid since it was already expected to happen at some point in this journey. However, it was a rather startling reality that the person starring in my own little X-rated movie was Lewis freaking Hawthrone.

I wasn't feeling any regret considering he was oh so good, but I wasn't quite sure that last night hadn't fucked up our semi-friendship.

You acted without planning beforehand for the first time, I thought trying to reassure myself. And who are you kidding anyway, it was an abrupt decision merely out of lust. And it was worth it. But still, I couldn't keep myself but feel slightly guilty as if I had cheated on... Coen.

"Morning Ayla, you up?" I heard Lewis's hoarse morning voice.

I quickly pushed aside the disturbing thoughts about my past and locked them into the deal with later box. I knew that one of these days I was going to explode and shatter into pieces because of all these major issues I had been stuffing at the back of my mind.

I glanced over my shoulder to see him, fully dressed yet still seeming a bit groggy with his bleary hazel eyes. I couldn't help myself but feel a bit down to hear him calling me Ayla instead of his own creation of a nickname.

"Nope, still asleep," I beamed up at him, but he didn't return my smile to my surprise. My sleepy mind was lagging behind my eyes on comprehending what was going on since I still waited for him to act like his usual laid-back self.

But he didn't. Instead, he nodded halfheartedly before walking around the car and getting into the driver seat. "Hop in," He gestured for me to get in the car as well. I furrowed my eyebrows in disapproval but complied with his command.

When we were finally on our way I peeped at his stiff facial expression and rolled my eyes. "Are you bipolar?" I questioned but he remained his infuriating silence. "I'm not gonna joke about it if you're seriously ill so let me know if you're suffering from a serious medical condition or if you're just a brat."