Before Take Off

31. flashback

Sometimes you set a love free. But just because you let it go, it doesn't always mean that it leaves.

*

I glanced at our intertwined fingers, my petite hand getting lost in his wide palm. I had been keeping myself from questioning him, and all the curiosity that was mixed with frustration had been eating me alive since the beginning of the summer holiday.

I glanced up at Coen as we strolled along the currently abandoned park, our only light source being the half-moon hanging in the cloudless sky, but his bright blue eyes were fixated somewhere else ahead of us. I had visited this park at night-time countless times before but the atmosphere surrounding us was surprisingly eerie that day. It was unusually silent, and the only sound was created by my heels and his navy-blue loafers treading on the dry leaves as we made our way home.

"I kept my promise and kept my mouth shut for the entire summer Coen," I muttered, afraid of disturbing the sheer silence. "I patiently waited until the end of the homecoming dance. But I'm begging you, Coen talk to me."

His darkened, indignant eyes met mine and I drew in a sharp breath, trying to remain our eye contact. "What do you want me to tell you, Ayla? You want me to give you false hopes? You want me to paint a sunny, positive future before your eyes? You want me to promise you that I will not leave you? I can't do that Ayla. Right now, all I can do is to be a good best friend and advise you to forget about me and get on with your life, pursue your dreams, become the best author out there, leave Maastricht, get out of your comfort zone for once in your life!" Coen took a pause to breathe and look deeper into my eyes. He reached out and stroked my cheek gently before continuing in a softer tone. "Get out of here Ayla and discover who you truly are. It shall be easy for you since you've got a long life ahead of you."

I could feel a threatening lump forming at the back of my throat as I tried to push back my tears but failed as expected. I pushed him with all the strength that was left in me, but he didn't budge.

"I've looked up your condition, Hodgkin Lymphoma... People get chemo and radiotherapy Coen, and they get cured! It's not the end of the world!" I cried out, reaching for his hands, but he stepped away from me. I could feel my legs trembling as if I was going to collapse and crumple into a heap on the floor. "You'll get treatment and I'll take a gap year of college," I carried on with a quivering voice. "I'll be there for you I promise."

Coen smiled weakly down at me, but his smile didn't reach up to his eyes. Suddenly the dark circles under them were much more visible. He seemed tired, defeated. "I'm not going through chemo once again," He hissed through his teeth. "I've already given away my childhood to this fucking sickness. I won't surrender my adulthood as well."

"Your childhood?" I questioned tentatively, my eyes widening in disbelief. I reached down and took off my heels, throwing them into the dark carelessly. My mind needed time to process all the terrifying news but everything around me was moving at the speed of light, revolving, mocking me, laughing at me. "You've gone through all this before? How long have known about your condition Coen?"

"Since I was eight years old," Coen replied, unbothered. He brushed his fingers through his golden hair and smiled apologetically down at me. "It had got discovered in its early stages. I didn't have a say in the matter back then and I let it take away my childhood from me. I'm not regretting it though, since once I was done with treatment, I met you." His long, brown eyelashes were clumping up as his eyes dampened with unshed tears. But what shred my heart into pieces was the familiar, warm emotion that captured his mesmerizing eyes once he mentioned me. "The chirpy little girl with a pink backpack and wild, bouncy curls..."