imprisonment

Chapter 22; D

Kissing her neck felt like heaven and hell at the same time.

It felt like heaven to touch his damned lips against her. But it was hell to know that he would never be enough for her or anyone he would dare lay his lips on.

Her smell was intoxicating, leaving him wanting more with every inhale. His hands had explored her body wanting to memorize every curve. She had blurred his judgment and his senses in the most beautiful way.

He never wanted to remove his lips off of her in the library, but he knew he had to. He had to let her know he was sorry for all of his sins. And that's what he had done. He apologized.

He knew it would never be enough. He knew he could never fully redeem himself for everything he had done, but it was a start. It was better than nothing.

His whole life all he ever wanted was to be free of who he was, and in the moment when his lips were touching her skin, he finally felt like all the weight on his shoulders was gone. And that was a scary thought.

He couldn't depend on her and he didn't want to. As soon he felt the freedom that touching her skin gave him, he knew he had to stop. There was a fine line between letting himself indulge in her and being completely gone. The moment he let himself fully give in there was no going back.

Their time spent in the library was risky. The more they gave in to each other the farther gone they would be. Their psyches were making them believe they wanted each other but in reality, they just didn't have anyone else. It was destructive to think otherwise. They only wanted each other because each other was all they had.

Draco had to remind himself that everything he did held a purpose: getting out of Azkaban. He couldn't let himself get caught up with her. He had to remove himself from it all. He couldn't feel the things he felt when touching her.

They were on two sides of the war. The only thing they had in common was being stuck in Azkaban. He frequently reminded himself of this. He was a Death Eater whether he wanted to be or not. He knew as soon as he escaped with the Order he would have to go into hiding or go back to Voldemort's side.

He didn't know which he would choose.

That is why he ended the vision. He couldn't let whatever feelings he had for her get in the way.

He could see the happiness drain from her face after he told her he wanted everything that happens in the library to stay there. He knew it hurt her, but it had to be that way.

They were two different planets in orbit, daring to touch each other with every go around the sun. It equally passionate and dangerous.

After he abruptly ended the vision, he felt himself weaken. He sat on the bed, panting. His head hurt and he could barely move. He never got used to the feeling of emptiness he felt after using legilimancy.

It was like he was hollow inside, dying from the inside out. He was already weak from not getting proper meals and exercise, so using magic in that state just made him worse.

He was in the middle of situating himself when he could hear her start to speak from the vent. He groaned, wishing she could leave him to recover.

"Malfoy..." Hermione said in a soft voice from the wall. He could hear a hint of sadness in her voice.

"What," he said in a snappy tone. He was exhausted and he just wanted to be left alone. It was her fault he felt this way. She was like an infection spreading through his insides.

"I was wondering--" Hermione started to say to him.

He took a deep breath. He didn't want to talk about what had just happened. He wanted to let it go and not have to think about her anymore.

"I told you what happens there stays there," he said in a stern voice. He knew it would upset her, but he really didn't care. He was trying his best to put some space between them. It made it easier to stop thinking of her. If he could confine those feelings to the library, they would be easier to occlude.

"Yes, erm, I know. I was just wondering if there are limits to the visions... if we could explore more of the castle?" Hermione said this nervously. He could almost see her twiddling her thumbs and looking away with a blush spread on her cheeks.

The question caught him off guard. He didn't know why she would want to do anything with him. He told himself that she probably just wanted to leave his hell hole. It had nothing to do with him.

"I've never thought that far into it. I would assume yea," he said. He figured he would be able to, he just had to use even more of his energy to make it possible.

"We should do that if you wanted to..." she said sheepishly.

"Yeah."

Draco knew he didn't have the strength to do it anytime soon. He didn't want Hermione to know that though. It would just be another one of his weaknesses exposed to her.

It would be worth it. Anything was better than being stuck in here having to stare at a wall for hours.

It was awkward when they were back in their cells. It was like they didn't know how to communicate. When they were here their pasts clung to them. It was so much simpler when they could let that part of themselves go.

The library gave them the power to do that. It let them just exist in the moment without anything weighing them down.

It was almost like Hermione read his mind. She cleared her throat and asked him, "Why is it so hard for us to talk here?"

Draco didn't have an appropriate answer.

He could tell her how he hated himself for wanting her. He could say how he was taught to see her as a mudblood with no value. Or he could tell her that he knew he would never be good enough for someone like her. He could tell her how the library was the only place he could fully be himself.

There were so many explanations for why he couldn't act that way to her here, yet his mouth went dry and he couldn't speak. He stared at the mark that had turned him rotten inside. He watched it twist in front of him. It symbolized all the reasons he couldn't talk to her here.

"Granger, you don't want me here. Don't let yourself think that you do," he whispered through the vents.

And as much as his heart hurt to say those words, they were true. She didn't want him. She just thought she did because he was the only thing she had is in this cruel fucked up world. As soon as they escaped she would never think of him again.

He didn't know why that thought hurt. He just knew it did. But that was the way it had to be.

A/N

This chapter was mainly Draco's inner thoughts. Not much happens in these chapters because they are still struggling to interact with each other. I promise it will get better. Think of this book in three sections: Azkaban, Escape, War. There is still a long uphill battle.

The next chapter will be on January 5th.